To admit I can't control my child

[radiosongs]

Aged 3

I have:

Tantrums, sometimes resulting in lashing out at me
Refusal to walk
Refusal to go in car seat
Refusal to say please/thank you.
Is potty trained but sometimes wets as an act of defiance

School is still a year off but I'm really starting to get concerned.

I'm in the same position. She just opens her mouth and screams and screams. Sometimes hits and bites. I don't know what to do either.

Ah well we have all been there - I have at least.
YANBU as long as you don't accept the behaviour as the norm ie no consequences except maybe telling him "we don't do that". If you are actively trying to teach him how to behave then that is just life with a toddler I'm afraid

And this is from a mum of 3yo twins who habe been fighting non stop in the heat today

Do you think? Friends DCs don't seem to behave like mine

I have found my people. Worst day yet today. Smeared snot and spit up walls and pissed in bed. On the day nursery told me what a good-natured child I have. It's just me that gets this.

take your pick.

Have you thought about making an appointment with the hv? It depends how good they are in general, but if they're ok you might find this useful signposting you to local support.

I don't have much more advice than that, but you're both doing amazing and you will get to a place where everything feels like it makes sense.

Don't fixate on controlling her. Control your reaction to her behavior. It sounds like you're engaged in some sort of power play with her but you can't match your wits to a child. They run on child logic, they are naturally unreasonable.

Stop reacting to what she doesn't do, just get up and walk away from her. Praise and reward when she does well. Gradually she will come around.

I can't always do that, though. It's fine if at home but if out and about I can't (obviously.)

Please don't worry - they are 3, this is pretty average behaviour.
They are learning how the world works and how they fit into it.
I know it seems relentless, but if you keep on showing endless love, be consistent with your rules and boundaries it will all come together eventually

My people!!!
My 3 year old son has the worst attitude ever! Constantly shouts no, doesn't listen, doesn't ever tidy up, hits, spits and bites, throws things at people
Doesn't ever want to walk anywhere
If you shut the door before him, he slaps you. If you go anywhere before him he slaps you. It's exhausting

I can't even at home if feeding/changing baby. He'd been put in his bed as he was attacking us and I needed to be able to keep everyone safe while I changed a nappy.

I wonder if I was the same, aged 3; I don't think so!

My son is in nursery and they cannot believe it when I tell them what he is like at home, to the point they wanted to come and witness it!
Removing him from you doesn't work as he will just charge back into you or find anything near him to pick up and throw. He has once knocked the Moses basket over with the baby (4 months) in it My only word to describe him would be wild

Recommend janet lansburys 'no bad kids'- changed our lives. Her 'unruffled' podcasts are free online and help no end.

I've raised dozens of toddlers, this is normal behavior. She's feeling out her boundaries to see what she can and can't get away with. It might be hard, but even when you're out and about you can get some control back. You can pick her up and leave a place if she's misbehaving, she might kick and scream and people might look at you but it will stop her misbehaving in the long run.

It's a hard slog, it's not meant to be easy. Ultimately you have to be more stubborn than she is and keep your temper at the same time. Once you've cracked that the rest will follow.

Practice the next time she kicks off. Don't react, take deep breaths to the count of ten and either put down a consequence or leave her to it.

How do you react when she misbehaves?

At 3 they haven't developed the language skills to explain their frustration. So they play frustration out physically and in tantrums. Change your behaviour to a role model of patience and understanding and the kids will follow.

OP - Don't worry too much about school, it's amazing how rarely behaviour like that occurs in reception class. The DC quickly get the message that it isn't a good idea to have tantrums in school. The other children tend to look on in surprise which is quite inhibiting for the screamer! 😉

Read 1, 2, 3 Magic - I only wish I'd read it when my DD was 3 or 4.

Instead I had to do it when she was older after a few years of tantrums.

Reward the good behaviour and act indifferent to the bad.

My child is the other way round which is far more embarrassing! Kind, caring and obedient at home and a stubborn, wilful little bugger at school. They've literally given up on him - he's 4

Can you change school jelly?

they sound awful

How do you act indifferent to being smacked and kicked and bitten? Or worse the baby being smacked and kicked and bitten?

I was told deal with the issue not the behaviour. It's not magic - they still kick and scream but you can stay sane.

So if the issue is getting out the car, continue to get them out the car regardless of the reaction.

4 hours screaming and throwing at bedtime was one of my worst days but I kept my cool (as in didn't loose it totally and hit him).

How you react to the baby is you physically move the baby, and stick them on a chair facing the wall, ignore the screaming hitting and kicking and carry on putting them on it until they've calmed down, it's all about consistency and keeping your cool, and this is coming from someone with an ADD DS and scars from him biting during his younger years