To admit I can't control my child

[radiosongs]

Aged 3

I have:

Tantrums, sometimes resulting in lashing out at me
Refusal to walk
Refusal to go in car seat
Refusal to say please/thank you.
Is potty trained but sometimes wets as an act of defiance

School is still a year off but I'm really starting to get concerned.

[Queenofthestress]

*ASD DS

[UnbornMortificado]

DD2 has got better after she turned 4. We ended up with a support worker for her behaviour after she started kicking inanimate objects.

We were told pick up, stick in bedroom and ignore.

Nursery couldn't believe her behaviour at home she was good as gold for them.

[mctat]

'Recommend janet lansburys 'no bad kids'- changed our lives. Her 'unruffled' podcasts are free online and help no end.'

I second this.

[wowbutter]

Toddlers are challenging, but at three and four they should have a consequence if they are biting and slapping.
When they do that, it's simple "we don't do that." Move them away and sit them alone. You need to be consistent and yes the screaming may get worse, but this is the age they need to start learning responsibility.

[Eggandchipsfortea93]

Kind, caring and obedient at home and a stubborn, wilful little bugger at school. They've literally given up on him - he's 4

May just be worth checking what specifically he does at school. I had similar, and it turned out that he was:

Not concentrating well, so only writing a few words in a session
Gazing out of the window
Copying gestures made by bigger children, who were mocking him through the window, for being kept in at playtimes, for the above.
It all improved with age, but their expectations of a 4 year old seemed quite high to me (they had some children with special needs who they seemed to treat much more reasonably, but the rules for my DS were pretty strict).

[ChaseMeCharlie]

I can't move the baby and deal with toddler though if feeding or dealing with a massive shit explosion. He'd trash his bedroom if I left him in there. I've read loads of stuff but it all works on the premise that you can drop everything and deal solely with the bad behaviour. It also assumes it's occasional whereas with me it's constant. I can follow the recommendations sometimes but not all of the time and then it escalates.

[Queenofthestress]

Have you tried taking everything out his room so he can't trash it then putting him in there? Or would a naughty spot work ehere its a rug on the floor? Are you ff or bf? (Only asking because ff is easier to put the baby down and deal with him) do you know what's triggering it?
Sorry for all the questions in one go lol @ChaseMeCharlie

[Yika]

I empathise, have a very 'spirited' child and I have found trying to 'win' in battles over discipline just does doesn't work for either her or me (or me - it exhausts me and puts us on a path to more conflict).

I recommend
Raising your spirited child

• this book acknowledges that standard behavioural prescriptions don't always work with this kind of child
  

and
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
A really good book to help you engage constructively and establish strong behavioural boundaries in a mutually respectful way

[ChaseMeCharlie]

Well he can get out of his room so would go somewhere else and today's low was the snot/spit/piss combo mentioned above. I am bf so v difficult to put baby down.

Triggers are a good question, it's basically a control thing but he takes exception to anything and everything. It's all tied up in jealousy of the baby I know, he goes for the little one absolutely constantly unless I can keep them apart. I do spend 1-1 time with him but it never seems enough. I don't really know how to handle it and I'm worried that he's going to be hardwired now to hate his sibling which will persist. It just manifests itself in being uncooperative at every turn and dressing, eating, teeth, bath, leaving the house, everything is a battle. When baby isn't there he's a delight and he's lovely with other people.

So I know he's jealous and the parenting book answer is spending 1-1 time but it doesn't seem to be enough.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

My DS is like this, everything's a battle and he is very stubborn. If he doesn't get his own way he'll hit, bite, scratch - I told him to stop hitting me earlier and his response was "But I like hitting"... so I can sympathise.

However, he is really well behaved at nursery, eats everything (eats next to nothing except fruit/snacks at home), is polite and has never hit anyone, so I wouldn't worry about school too much... if he's anything like mine he'll be an angel while he's there 😇.

[Queenofthestress]

Hmmm best thing I can suggest is maybe try getting his help with the baby ie 'can you get mummy the wipes?' 'Oh wow you're such a good big brother!' And a reward chart for every time he helps with the baby or a small sweet every time he does something good with her?
I must admit I tapped DS on the back of the hand after the third time of trying to kick DD during a meltdown and sent him to go sit on the chair and not move until I say so, he has orthotics with plates in and she was only 2 months old

[Thirtyrock39]

Three is a really tough age at times and even harder with jealousy of new sibling. I would when the 3yo hurts or tries to hurt the baby focus all attention on checking and comforting baby and ignore 3yo so they learn that they'll get less attention if they do that and heap praise whenever they are being nice to the baby or good in other ways. I must admit it's easier said than done I end up in constant negative spirals with my middle one but when I do the positive praise and ignore her when naughty it's loads better.

[mctat]

Would also recommend 'Siblings without rivalry' for this.

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

I hate the 3 year old stage.
HATE it.

I adore my boys but the 3 year old stage is absolutely hell. For all the reasons you described.

I had no control either.

I only began peeling myself from the ceiling when the age 5 came around, now my youngest is 6. He has his moments but it's SO much easier than it was.

It's normal OP. Just think, he'll start school soon.
I used to count down the hours.

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

Oh and I'm pregnant with number 3, so I have to endure it all over again.

[ChaseMeCharlie]

The 'helpful big brother' thing worked for a couple of weeks. A couple of months in and it has no effect whatsoever.

I need to get Siblings Without Rivalry. I need the time and brain power to take it in which in my sleep-deprived state I'm lacking. DH is brilliant at coming up with entertaining strategies to keep DS occupied and I'm struggling to remember my own name at times.

Sorry for hijacking OP but thank you for posting, I feel like I'm the only parent I know having to deal with this level of agression on a constant basis so knowing I'm not is extremely reassuring.

[Queenofthestress]

I've pmd you @ChaseMeCharlie

[Sunnie1984]

Yes it's normal... I say this wearily after yet another grumpy screamy hysterical day with my three year old.

My eldest is very placid (or was, she is now copying the three year old!), and so wasn't much of a tantrum thrower.

This one is very much spirited! He's very sensitive underneath all the angst!

I just keep enforcing boundaries as best I can, and try to stay calm. Calm is very difficult!

I'm hoping baby three also bypasses this stage, I thought the terrible twos were bad... I was wrong.

I just hope it's practice for the teenage years, when my eldest is surely going to make me pay for the easy toddler years.