For being annoyed at this mother of perfect child?

[Photomummy16]

I know I am BU really, but just need to vent somewhere!!

My daughter is nearly 3, and has developmental delay - she's likely on the autistic spectrum but a bit young to make a clear diagnosis.
We were in a waiting room today and I got chatting to another Mum about our children, nurseries etc - it transpired that our daughters are exactly the same age, about two weeks apart.

When she found out that my daughter does not yet talk, she spent the next ten minutes telling me how her daughter was very advanced, has a large vocabulary, can't shut her up, etc etc. Then she moved on to potty training - "I guess it's harder for you with the lack of language, but my daughter has been out of nappies for months and months, day and night" and so it goes on.

I get this fairly often. Do people just not know what to say? I'm delighted she has such an amazing child, but when you're in the paediatrician waiting room, I just don't really want to hear how great your kid is 'compared' with mine (who is awesome by the way).

My daughter has ASD (is 6 now) and I often talk up her achievements as I'm so conscious of the things she can't do just yet. She was a late talker but is now a right chatterbox so I'll bang on about that or how good she is at reading because in my own mind, I'm trying to overcompensate for her social difficulties or toileting problems.

The other mother may not genuinely believe her child is perfect but could be trying to do something similar.

Of course, it doesn't mean she's not an insensitive idiot...

I had this happen to me just the once, and it turned out other mum's little boy had his own developmental issues, which mum was desperately anxious about. (Though it was two years ago and I still can't drive by a certain corner of SW London without hearing her voice saying, "Well you that children from that school go to Oxford, and children from that school go to Oxford Brookes.")

Yes, she was a rude bint. I don't know, but I'd wager it's probably driven by insecurity.

If it was at the paediatrician's office, were you at an outpatient clinic for children with the same sort of problems? Is it possible she was trying to show that it wasn't the end of the world?

I have had a well controlled chronic condition for a while and occasionally the support nurse asks me to talk to a young person just starting out with the condition - I'm meant to reassure them that my life is great and unaffected now. In a different context it would be bragging but in the hospital setting it is reassuring (I hope)!

Floralnomad - it's not her fault that hers can do all that stuff

Were you the incredibly insensitive mum in the waiting room?

I get this a lot and have the answer completely sussed OP. Whatever comparing crap comes outta their mouth you say;

"We are both very lucky mummies then aren't we?" whilst beaming at your child.

Shuts the topic down, puts judgy parent in place and most importantly leaves your dc in no doubt that you are proud to know them and they are entirely perfect as they are and very much loved.

It is too easy for people to other dcs who are not just like their own and forget that actually we love our children and they are awesome!

Unfortunately this sort of thing is common. I know someone who is constantly going on about how clever, sporty and popular her DD is. The child can do no wrong. I actually feel sorry for kids with parents like this as the pressure to keep up perfection must be enormous.

Why was this woman there waiting to see a paediatrician?

Surely, there must have been something going with her dd too. So not the 'perfect child with no problem at all' but another child with her own issues that just happen to different from your dd iyswim.

I suspect in this case that the mum is reassuring herself that her dd is great by looking at how advance she is etc...

I would be thinking "And yet here we are, in the same waiting room, looking for help for our child."

"She sounds distinctly normal. You should be very proud"

Some people are awful OP

i can empathise with your frustration - my eldest has a hearing loss, and didn't start talking until after she turned 3 years old. Even then it took a while before you could really understand most of what she was saying. I had a couple of friends who I've distanced myself from now as it was a very odd dynamic. One of them used to say of her child who was not very sociable at all 'oh, PFB said that she doesn't want to play with her as she can't talk'. I don't make any effort to see them anymore as they were very draining and only picked up on the negative in everything/everyone else's kids.

Very insensitive of her.

No child is perfect btw. None.

No matter who tells you there child is, they aren't. Because I have yet to meet that mythical perfect child or any perfect adult either.

If you ever come across anyone like this again just smile sweetly and say 'that's lovely and I'm sure my child will get to that stage too when she's ready'.

I have two older children, one has autism (just diagnosed) and I often talk to other mums in shops etc (normally coo-ing at their babies/toddlers) and without fail I hear a worry from them that their dc isn't sleeping properly, not walking yet, not talking yet, not cut a tooth and my answer is always the same - don't worry, they will do it when they can. And to enjoy them as they are for that sweet moment in time because they grow up so bloody quickly.

I hate competitive parenting.

YANBU - she sounds totally self-absorbed and massively insensitive.

I have a high achiever. I never, EVER, discuss her achievements with anybody other than family. I would hate to bore people and hate for her to be labelled.

Sorry, posted too fast. Meant to add that I think that people just don't understand if they haven't had difficulties in some areas. My first also was not interested in food at all and it was something else that person also picked up on a lot. My second eats everything in sight and with hindsight I can see that it would be very difficult to understand how a child could just be completely uninterested in food if I'd only experienced kids like my second!
Now, I have developed a thicker skin and range of interested humming noises for strangers who are into competive parenting!

It's not her fault her daughter can do that stuff. Sweet Jesus . Like op was jealous of a random child's "achievements" instead of pissed off at having it rammed down her throat unasked for

My tolerance for this is getting less as time goes on.

It is so hard having a child with SN. I don't feel like making allowances for people who are so lacking in self awareness that they do this, invariably immediately after you have mentioned something about your child's difficulties.

I just want to tell them to fuck off tbh. I haven't yet, but I fear I will one day.

No , both of my not perfect children have grown up , but where in the OP does it say the woman was 'ramming it down the OPs throat' , it sounded to me like they were having the normal type of conversation you have in waiting rooms where all you have in common is children / illness whatever . Presumably the OP had told the other woman about her child and it's problems and yes it might be a bit insensitive to say all the stuff hers can do but what is she supposed to do , obviously either say nothing or lie , she acknowledged that the fact the OPs dd is non verbal will have impeded progress with other things . I'm sorry that I'm not with the herd on this but it sounds to me like a bit of insensitivity on one side clashing with the OP being very sensitive about her dds issues and if that's the case I'd suggest not getting into conversations in waiting rooms .

Floralmornad, she could have said many things that did not involve pointing out how much more advanced her child is than the OP's child.

Believe me, I know what it is like to have an advanced child too. I have never had the urge to spell out their brilliance to someone who has a child who is struggling.

I have a daughter with ASD. She is top of her class and always has been - sails through school academically. She was talking in sentences at 18 months, reading at 2 and potty trained at 18 months too. Didn't stop her being diagnosed with ASD though did it?? Hugs OP xx

You need to let that shit wash over you. I'm sorry to say there may be years of this to come, sometimes people will do it without thinking, sometimes they'll just be over compensating or sometimes they'll just be idiots - but I can also guarantee is that you will celebrate your child's victories all the more.

And as an aside my DD has ASD, learning difficulties and speech and language delay but a couple of days ago I caught myself thinking "would you just be quiet for one moment" - she's nearly 8 and talks the hind legs off donkeys when she's in the right mood and a subject she enjoys. At 3/4/5/6 years old I would have been desperate to know that day would come.
Hang on in there.

Some people are dicks! Having a child with developmental delays is hard, especially when you see/hear about what kids their own are doing that they aren't. And having a child that hits their milestones early certainly isn't a reflection on parenting either. My eldest hit most her milestones early, slept all night from 8 weeks, could count to 10 and say the alphabet before she was 2, is in top reading & maths groups at school. My youngest is 21 months, she can't crawl, walk, feed herself, babble or talk (like literally has never even said mama, dada etc) has very little non verbal communication, is yet to sleep all night. Same parents, nothing done majorly different.

The woman sounds like a silly, insensitive cow!

I have a 'friend' who does this to me - i think she's unintentionally insensitive because everything is pretty perfect in her life and she's a bit smug! She knew i was really worried about my son when he was being diagnosed with autism but kept going on about how great it was that her child has so many friends and is doing so well at basically everything. It felt like a punch in the stomach each time and would make me feel like crying.