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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable or Dh about money?

33 replies

Freddofrog1983 · 20/06/2017 11:11

My husband checked the online banking today to find out we are on the overdraft by nearly £200. When he checked he saw £149 had gone out via paypal for an ebay purchase he said he didn't order although it was a car part he had looked at a while ago. He had also ordered 2 watches which he said he would probably cancel.

Anyway he asked to request a return to ebay which i have done but still waiting to hear from the seller. I also cancelled the watches which he has now gone mad about. He swore at me on the phone and called me controlling. He hung up on me twice so i have ignored his calls as he is trying to call me back.

He has just left me a nasty voicemail saying if I don't answer thee phone he is transferring £300 from the savings and re ordering the watch and cancelling an order i had made which is a rucksack for our son's birthday soon. Its not like I ordered something for myself, it's for our son and i ordered it when we had money in the bank and it's only £9.00.

What I want to say is why not order the watch when it's payday instead of using savings or overdraft.

Am I unreasonable for cancelling the items even though he briefly mentioned it himself when he told me to contact the ebay seller? I hate debt, I find it really stressful and i also hate just dipping into savings as at some time they will run out.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/06/2017 11:13

2 watches? One for each wrist?

No, you're not unreasonable. And he's a dick if he cancels the order for your son's birthday. (A rucksack for his birthday?)

FetchezLaVache · 20/06/2017 11:14

I'm with you completely - you buy things like watches when there is spare money to do so. Why does he need two watches anyway?

Cancelling your son's birthday present is, moreover, a real fucking dick move.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/06/2017 11:17

I think he ordered 2 watches to choose and send one back. The rucksack is of someone he is obsessed about and I haven't seen them before(he will have other things) It's just the poor attitude when something doesn't go his way and I don't like the way he is using our son to get at me.

All I was trying to do was get us back in credit.

OP posts:
JeffVadersMum · 20/06/2017 11:25

does he have 'form' for this behaviour?

Hont1986 · 20/06/2017 11:33

Yes, YABU to cancel someone else's orders, you should have talked to him about it first.

I wonder what the advice would be if you had posted about him cancelling your orders without telling you because he didn't think you could afford it. Hmm

category12 · 20/06/2017 11:33

Man's an arse.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/06/2017 11:34

He has form for using the kids to get at me but i ignore it. I don't think he would cancel the order for our son but saying it is just as bad as doing it I think.

He has been texting me saying sorry and he wants to sort it out. I didn't see the messages straight away so I started to reply and before i could send it he has sent me another text saying he is not coming home lunchtime. He was popping in to do something for me as he is driving past our house.

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 20/06/2017 11:35

Why are you wasting your life with a loser like him? Don't say he's a great dad because he's not. He's happy to see your son go without in order to get at you.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/06/2017 11:37

Hont. but it wan't a case that I didn't think we could afford it, we were nearly up to our limit on the overdraft caused by his mistake anyway. I only cancelled it because he mentioned it and i had the computer on as I was checking ebay for him. I didn't just do it off my own back.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 20/06/2017 11:38

He's an arse, what does he bring to your life?

ArchieStar · 20/06/2017 11:40

I would've checked with him as financial decisions should be handled jointly in my eyes, but I don't think you were wrong in doing so as he's mentioned it if that makes sense. Using the kids against you is 10000% NOT ok!!

Hont1986 · 20/06/2017 11:41

You said you were discussing the £149 car part, not the watches. Presumably he never said to cancel those since he was taken by surprise by it.

MrsELM21 · 20/06/2017 11:42

God he sounds horrible

Kezi4 · 20/06/2017 11:43

Angry revenge cancelling of your son's backpack is BU, but I think cancelling his watches without discussion was BU too - they came to less than £50, he was going to send one back, and you were already in the overdraft (unless it was unplanned and you were getting additional charges per day?).

LagunaBubbles · 20/06/2017 11:43

He sounds awful but Im afraid I agree with Hont, if my DH cancelled something I had ordered without speaking to me first I would be furious!

troodiedoo · 20/06/2017 11:43

He doesn't impress me much. Purely for buying two watches never mind the rest. But main issue seems to be poor
communication.

AyeAmarok · 20/06/2017 11:45

He sounds like an idiot.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/06/2017 11:46

Hont, When he phoned me about the transaction on the internet banking he asked me to log on to paypal which I did. He then mentioned about having to cancel the watches which he had just ordered. No, he didn't tell me to cancel them but as i was on the computer i thought it would be easier to sort it out as I just wanted us to get back in credit.

Obviously he intended to uses savings to replenish account.

OP posts:
araiwa · 20/06/2017 11:46

You sound very controlling. Im not surprised he was pissed off

ofudginghell · 20/06/2017 11:48

Do what we do.
We have a joint household account for all bills including petrol car tax insurances and food utilities etc. We both pay an equal amount into it each month.
We then have our own seperate accounts where whatever's left after household transfer is our own. We roughly earn the same most months.
Anything needed for dc or house we go halves in.
Last month he paid for breakfast out when he got paid and this month I did.
The dc get £50 each on birthdays and about £50 in lunch out and extra presents from other siblings. We pay half each for that.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/06/2017 11:49

Kezi, We were already in the overdraft, the £149 put us in the overdradt and the watches combined came to nearly £90, We have a £300 overdraft.

OP posts:
BorisTrumpsHair · 20/06/2017 12:11

MN'ers are very keen on joint bank accounts, but there are many people, including this tossers, who should not be having joint bank accounts with their P's.

I never had a joint bank account with XP - in theory I would have loved to do this, but as he was financially irresponsible there was no way I was going to give him any access to my earnings, until he showed himself to be more responsible. he never did.

expatinscotland · 20/06/2017 12:15

Two watches? A car part? Who doesn't check the accounts first? He sounds fucking irresponsible.

category12 · 20/06/2017 12:15

I think Boris is right here. If this is the sort of thing that happens between you a lot, then you need to separate finances a bit. Or have one account for bills/household stuff and another for frivolous spending.

Ceto · 20/06/2017 12:22

For goodness sake, just ring him back and talk to him. Explain that the thing with the watches was a misunderstanding and that you will reorder if he really wants to, but you are just wondering whether it might be better to wait till your pay comes in. And later, when all this has calmed down, have a discussion with him about why he feels the need to use the kids to get back at you when he's in a temper and how that has to stop; and about closer control of your finances generally.