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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shoud dp go abroad without me?

71 replies

Bhj · 20/06/2017 10:58

I have developed anxiety in the last few years and feel terrified to fly or travel by boat. I also hate the heat, I burn very easily and sweat in the heat so the idea of sitting on a beach all day does not feel me with joy. My dp is desperate to go to Fiji for his 40th in 4 years time. He says that as I don't want to go he should be able to go alone whereas I think he should spend the money on a holiday in this country that both me,him and the dcs will enjoy. Who is bu?

OP posts:
Thisismyoutingname · 20/06/2017 11:30

"Just learnt that Charlie has completed the flight on his fear of flying course. Conquering a fear of flying is hard enough, but when you have Aspergers stress is magnified and combating a phobia is like climbing mount everest in a diving suit. I'm so proud of him and grateul to his mum for arranging the day and taking him and being with him while he went through such a difficult test. Looking forward to them getting home so i can hug them till their eyes pop out"

this is what his dad wrote on the board

Original poster
Bhj · 20/06/2017 11:32

That's amazing you must be so proud. Thanks I hadn't heard of ythat before so will google it.

OP posts:
DoubleHelix79 · 20/06/2017 11:35

I had good success with hypnosis plus exposure (run by London Zoo) to treat a pretty strong spider phobia, and I'm by no means the hippyish alternative type. If the courses run by airlines mentioned above don't appeal, then that might be worth a consideration.

Original poster
Bhj · 20/06/2017 11:36

That's something else to bear in mind thanks.

OP posts:
Underparmummy · 20/06/2017 11:39

Yes, he should. Without sounding too harsh, it is unfair to expect him to give up a dream because of your fear.

Conquer it and go with him...

Original poster
Bhj · 20/06/2017 11:42

Being on here is giving me the push to conquer my fears. I am determined now to do something about it. Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
araiwa · 20/06/2017 11:45

Glad to hear you will Sort out your anxiety

I would ltb who told me i could never go abroad again

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 20/06/2017 11:45

I take diazepam when I fly. The GP gives me eight tablets once a year and I take one tablet before I fly. They are amazing and prevent you feeling scared or anxious.

PotteringAlong · 20/06/2017 11:47

Your husband is 36 and you never want him to leave mainland Britain again for the rest of his life? That's not fair.

Original poster
Bhj · 20/06/2017 11:48

That's something I could ask about too thanks youmay

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 20/06/2017 11:48

Sorry - wrote a post, it didn't post and have just got back to a wifi signal and it posted but the thread has moved on.

Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2017 11:49

I agree with everyone else - let him go.

My DH is planning a trip to Las Vegas for his 40th, it's been his life long dream but I won't be going as I have epilepsy and I don't think my brain would appreciate all the flashing lights of the gambling strip and the casinos etc Grin

I would never, ever stop him from going though just because my own issues prevent me from going.

Good luck with addressing your anxiety and fear - you're doing the right thing Flowers

SleightOfHand · 20/06/2017 11:51

On a side note for holidays to Europe, channel tunnel or is that even a worse idea.

Slimthistime · 20/06/2017 11:51

I think it's fine if he wants to go abroad alone sometimes

I used to think I had travel anxiety...well I sort of do....but I tried to address it and then realised with all the addressing I still fucking hate it. And part of the dread is simply that I knew I would hate so much of it.

so by all means, explore ways to address your phobia but - sorry - this might not be 100% solution.

I know of families where separate holidays happen, even just recently I know of someone who took her children on a safari holiday that her husband didn't want to go on. They do other stuff together. I think there's a perception that families have to be glued together whereas I think it's fair enough to spread out doing different things.

I still remember how much I HATED the boring hot holidays I got dragged on as kid.

GirlcalledJames · 20/06/2017 11:51

Good luck with the therapy, OP.
I also think it's reasonable for him to pick as his dream holiday something that you don't enjoy (the beach) as long as your hotel has air conditioning and he doesn't mind you spending time there.
And as long as you get to do something nice for your 40th!

sadsquid · 20/06/2017 11:53

While flying doesn't scare me, I do have other anxiety issues and I seriously hate the heat, so there are places in the world I'll probably not be up for traveling to. However, I wouldn't try and stop DH from going himself, provided he didn't start using all our holiday budget and time on solo trips. I'd expect the same freedom to go on solitary adventures occasionally and I'd expect most holidays to be things we could all enjoy. It's not reasonable to deny someone a dream trip for a landmark birthday just because you don't want to go, IMO. It's great that you're going to try and tackle the anxiety, best of luck with it.

BertieBotts · 20/06/2017 11:54

You have four years, that's plenty of time.

You can ask your GP but I would just google private therapists who offer phobia treatment TBH as it will be quicker and you can shop around. There are also courses you can do directly with the airlines which might be worth looking at.

It would be a wonderful present to give your DH to be able to come with him on his trip of a lifetime.

Original poster
Bhj · 20/06/2017 11:55

Yes I can see now I was being vu not wanting him to go. Dp suggested to me to post here to see how unreasonable I was being and he's right.

OP posts:
purplechoc · 20/06/2017 11:57

Also highly recommend the virgin fear of flying course. Last year I was getting very bad at flying, crying before I had even got on a 50 minute flight and worrying about it for days/weeks beforehand. I completed the course before it got any worse and it has completely changed how I feel about flying. This year I have managed two 11 hour flights with very low levels of anxiety, and more 1 hour flights with almost no anxiety/sometimes none.

You wouldn't believe how much difference one day can make. Make sure if you go for it that you book into a course with the flight experience too. After lots of information and exercises throughout the day, you go on a flight where an extra pilot talks you through every bit of what is happening. This really helped me to understand what all the noises etc where and now I can recognise what is happening when I'm on a plane. It's expensive, but it was so so worth it for me

Loopytiles · 20/06/2017 11:59

I have travel anxiety, but not to the same extent. Agree with PPs that it'd be U to expect your H and the family never to go abroad.

I would, however, think your H was BU if the holiday wouldn't be affordable for the whole family to go, or if just him going would cut into family money too much relative to your other expenses, eg a family holiday. Fiji for a family won't be cheap!

If you can improve the anxiety and afford it, I think all of you should go! I have often really enjoyed travel, even with the anxiety.

Loopytiles · 20/06/2017 11:59

My travel anxiety isn't just the transport, it's all kinds of crazy stuff! It's rubbish, but am working on it.

1bighappyfamily · 20/06/2017 12:00

OP, in my experience, one of the key ways of overcoming anxiety, is realising that it gives rise to totally unreasonable thoughts.

Well done and good luck in getting over it.

Original poster
Bhj · 20/06/2017 12:01

Thanks I'm going to look into the fear of flying course.

OP posts:
moggle · 20/06/2017 12:01

You can do it! Lots of time to try different tactics out and find the one that works for you. It may be a once in a life time trip for him (and I do think you should 'let' him go even if it was impossible for you) but he will enjoy it so much more if you are there with him and I'm sure it will be even more special to him knowing the effort you will have put into getting over your fear. Then you can look forward to more foreign holidays in the future and maybe a happy globe trotting retirement if that's your bag!

SpecialStains · 20/06/2017 12:02

YABU and selfish. Your anxieties shouldn't prevent your DP from something like this. It's your right not to go if you don't want to, but it's really controlling to stop him doing this as a one off for a milestone birthday!