AIBU to feel excluded or is this mummy "friend" actually a toxic weirdo?

[Cinnabunbun]

I made some good local mummy friends during mat leave. There are 7 or 8 women from a mix of NCT and baby groups that I'm still in touch with regularly and have play dates with. There is one woman in the group who I find really annoying but our days off match and kids are at the same nursery so we cross paths lots. I'm struggling a lot with this particular mum as she is constantly arranging play dates, day trips and mums nights out and invites everyone in the group in various configurations except for me. I'm feeling really excluded and upset by her little digs and it's got the the point where even her voice really grates on me and I don't want to be around her.

So I should be fine about her excluding me from meet ups right? Only I'm not because she has suddenly started spending lots of time on trips and nights out with my closest friends in the group. It's not as if any of us have massive social lives due to having 3 year olds and all working part/full time but it bugs me when I'm at book group with them and they are all talking about stuff that I wasn't invited to or fixing times for things the next day when they know I'm off too but I've not been invited to.

It's really bad manners to do that right? I'm feeling really sad and insecure about it all as when I do try to set up one to one play dates with my friends I'm constantly met with "sorry, X already invited us to go somewhere else". I haven't got the front to say "ooh can I come?" As that feels kind of rude, also I really don't enjoy this one particular woman's company. But is that what other people would do? Should I just take the hint that they don't actually want me around anymore? I feel like I've come up against some weird kind of queen bee and I don't know how to handle her. AIBU? Any hints on books or strategies that might help get her to back off and stop trying to take over my friendships and exclude me from them?

I feel really for you OP. This person has obviously decided to muscle in on your group

She hasn't thought, sounds like she's been around as long as the OP has, she's just developed more friendships with the other women than the OP has

I'm a weirdo because I quite enjoy these sort of uncomfortable situations. I sort of thrive on being the underdog and I would actively seek out other friendships and ignore the people who were ignoring me.

As it happens I generally sit right in the middle of my friendship groups and I like it that way. I have women I like better than other women and some who I'm not hugely keen off but still friendly with. It suits me but I have no expectations of being in a 'special relationship' with any of them.

If it were me I would just move away from these NCT ladies and start socialising with other mums. I can guarantee you that if you start to forge friendships elsewhere and they see you having a giggle and making plans with others you will suddenly look very enticing again.

I think you need to either push for more play dates with your friends or be super nice to this woman to be included. I think it's probably harder if you work as you want people around when you've got a day off. I found making friends tough when mine were smaller as they're both autistic.

Maybe you need to look outside the group. Your other friends don't sound great if they're not bothering with you but I think you really need to make a huge effort with them and sorting play dates and if that doesn't work you know they're not really friends.

For the benefit of TinselTwins and anyone else who's selectively read op's posts
^
Op said At a playgroup today there were 4 of us from the mums group and she invited both the other mums and their kids back to hers for an "afterparty" right in front of me. She was literally talking over me as the 4 of us were sat in a line watching the kids in the room. I was sat in between the 2 women she invited and she said both of their names but not mine.^

So hardly an invite to two amongst a whole room of people! There was 4 people, twat face Queen B, OP and the two sheep

if there were just four of them at the playgroup it was a pretty small playgroup

The "four of us" refers to the fact that they were previously aquainted elsewhere. Not that there were just four of them there.

Still rude though

sorry you are going though this OP - it sounds awful.

If you liked the others enough, i would get in there first and organise something with them - if they are your real friends and value your friendship, they will not hesitate. If not - i would find new friends. Life is far too short to be mixing with people like these. Also invite them in front of her so she knows she's not queen bee. I hate women who pit women against each other.

Still rude though The OP dislikes this acquaintance yet the aquaintance is not allowed to invite people who happen to be mutual friends of the OP to her home without also inviting a woman who actively dislikes her?

The woman and the OP aren't friends, they're just baby group aquaintances, the woman has actually made friends with some women who the OP has ear-marked for herself as friends but who the OP has failed to connect with outside of groups

Um. Call me an idiot but I thought the purpose of playgroups etc was so your KIDS could play and socialize.

'Hot to trot' I worked part time & when mine were little I went to a couple of playgroups with friends from our first time mum group and depending on the timing of the playgroup the age of the children after some we all went for lunch after, took a picnic to the park or went for coffee and a cake (to a place with some books and a small play table). We all enjoyed each others company, sharing tips not conpetively and the kids enjoyed seeeing other kids. It was actually rather pleasant sometimes others dipped in or out of it no one was excluded. We also met at each others houses on a Friday when one of the groups folded. Often mine as I had two children extremely close together. These friends the mums were a lifeline to me as I had children later in life, DH was out 12-13 hours a day with travel and work and family weren't interested. Tinsel try not to be so aggressive with OP.

Tinsel
*"I'm struggling a lot with this particular mum as she is constantly arranging play dates, day trips and mums nights out and invites everyone in the group in various configurations except for me. I'm feeling really excluded and upset by her little digs"
*
You seriously think this behaviour is okay??

If it was your child coming home telling you this was going on at school how would you feel?

I don't think it's a case of just not liking each other, it's clearly a case of Queen Bee being a rude bitch.

If it was your child coming home telling you this was going on at school how would you feel?

It happened last year with one of my DDs. She was best friends with 2 girls that another girl was best friends with. DD and other girl werent friends. I did NOT insist that other girl be friends with my DD and invite my DD round her house! Because it's okay to not be friends with people especially people who call you "annoying" , neither did their teacher, and neither did the other girls mum.

We did however get them so as they werent using the 2 mutual friend girls as a tug of war/power battle.

it took time but now they don't bother each other any more and the mutual friends hang out with both of them separately both in and outside of school

So there you go! when it did happen with my primary school aged child, I told her that it's okay for her friends to sometimes do things without her and encouraged her to widen her net and let her friends have other friends sometimes.