Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to feel excluded or is this mummy "friend" actually a toxic weirdo?

62 replies

Cinnabunbun · 19/06/2017 18:27

I made some good local mummy friends during mat leave. There are 7 or 8 women from a mix of NCT and baby groups that I'm still in touch with regularly and have play dates with. There is one woman in the group who I find really annoying but our days off match and kids are at the same nursery so we cross paths lots. I'm struggling a lot with this particular mum as she is constantly arranging play dates, day trips and mums nights out and invites everyone in the group in various configurations except for me. I'm feeling really excluded and upset by her little digs and it's got the the point where even her voice really grates on me and I don't want to be around her.

So I should be fine about her excluding me from meet ups right? Only I'm not because she has suddenly started spending lots of time on trips and nights out with my closest friends in the group. It's not as if any of us have massive social lives due to having 3 year olds and all working part/full time but it bugs me when I'm at book group with them and they are all talking about stuff that I wasn't invited to or fixing times for things the next day when they know I'm off too but I've not been invited to.

It's really bad manners to do that right? I'm feeling really sad and insecure about it all as when I do try to set up one to one play dates with my friends I'm constantly met with "sorry, X already invited us to go somewhere else". I haven't got the front to say "ooh can I come?" As that feels kind of rude, also I really don't enjoy this one particular woman's company. But is that what other people would do? Should I just take the hint that they don't actually want me around anymore? I feel like I've come up against some weird kind of queen bee and I don't know how to handle her. AIBU? Any hints on books or strategies that might help get her to back off and stop trying to take over my friendships and exclude me from them?

OP posts:

stiffstink · 19/06/2017 19:29

Did she actually say "after party" like she's some RnB star at playgroup?!

MissionItsPossible · 19/06/2017 19:31

You haven't got the front to ask, they are not inviting you and you don't want to go because you don't want to be around this woman anyway. So get in there first next time, plan something in advance (preferably something ticket-based so A - they don't back out if they have paid money and B - so the new person can't just turn up randomly). If that is too difficult, just arrange a normal night out. If they are still not interested then I wouldn't bother trying or being friends with them, or just use them when it's convenient for you.

Original poster

Cinnabunbun · 19/06/2017 19:32

Stiffstink- yes! But she can somehow make things like that funny

Tinseltwins - much as I find what you are saying really ouchy, I really do appreciate you saying it as it's helping me to see it all a bit more clearly maybe

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/06/2017 19:32

It sounds as they they are bumping you off, I would not be expected to be invited to her things, as you don't like her, and she probably does not like you. But would be hurt that others do not want to meet up with you. It probably has run its course like a lot of these mummy groups. There is always disharmony within them. That is why I don't have these sorts of friendships.

Original poster

Cinnabunbun · 19/06/2017 19:33

Missionitspossible- ticket based, yes that's a great idea!

OP posts:

PrettyGoodLife · 19/06/2017 19:33

I am so glad my children are older. The whole NCT friendship was so odd, but based on children the same age not real shared interests. My real friends (not NCT ones) have since all guiltily owned up to how much happier we are since we lost contact with the NCT groups. Maybe this will save you a whole heap of time!

TinselTwins · 19/06/2017 19:34

At a playgroup today there were 4 of us from the mums group and she invited both the other mums and their kids back to hers for an "afterparty" right in front of me. She was literally talking over me as the 4 of us were sat in a line watching the kids in the room

Had you chatted directly to her at all earlier during group? or had you been trying to grab "turns" at the other women that have unfortunately ended up in the middle of this compeditive thing you've developed against this other mum?

MargeryB · 19/06/2017 19:34

Someone once told me that if you like someone it's almost certain they like you too. If you dislike someone it's almost certain that they feel the same about you. I reckon that's true. It seems certain she doesn't like you. And that's ok.

You can't blame her for being proactive about social events and being hospitable at her own home. You could try being nice to her, fake it till you make it for the sake of harmony and your own social life. Maybe she's got redeeming features if the others all like her? Invite her to yours after playgroup one day? The other choice is to arrange your own events. Alternatively you could ditch them all and find new friends, but that seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

sonjadog · 19/06/2017 19:34

It sounds like she doesn´t consider or want you a friend. Which is fine because you don´t like her either. So the problem is then that you miss out on meeting your other friends because of her, right? In that case, start asking people to do things a bit earlier than you are now, so that you are asking before she gets her invitation in. Some people are more active at arranging social events than others, and if you notice she isn´t inviting you regularly, presumably she has this function in your group. So if you want to do stuff with the other women in the group, you need to get your invite in before she gets arranging.

TinselTwins · 19/06/2017 19:35

Tinseltwins - much as I find what you are saying really ouchy, I really do appreciate you saying it as it's helping me to see it all a bit more clearly mayb

I'm not trying to be mean, it's just that my kids are older to "everyone invited" becomes much rarer and you'ld end up falling out with everyone if you took it all personally (partially because kids get more choosy about who they want playdates with, and also because playdates get more expensive so numbers get smaller)

FaithAgain · 19/06/2017 19:37

Have you considered asking one of your close friends about this? They must realise you're being excluded?! I think I'd say something like Have I done something to upset X? She keeps excluding me from social things. You can almost play it like you want to clear the air.

PoohBearsHole · 19/06/2017 19:39

if it helps, it's only a couple of years until school and that's a world of different and more interesting friends :)

TinselTwins · 19/06/2017 19:39

Also, as NCT type groups develop, you no longer have the social leveller of all being mums off on maternity leave, so friendships develop more between people who have other things in common.. and that's fine.

FreeNiki · 19/06/2017 19:42

I see so many threads like this.

Why are so many women so bloody nasty to each other.

It just doesn't make sense.

TinselTwins · 19/06/2017 19:50

Why are so many women so bloody nasty to each other

Why is the MN rule that you can only socialise if you invite a whole group otherwise you're a bitch!

Not everybody is comfortable in group settings. I prefer groups of 2 or 3, otherwise I struggle to connect

Which is irrelevant anyway in this case because the OP does not like the other mum (and she probably gets that!) yet feels she should be invited round the womans house just because they have mutual friends!

The mutual friends will find time to spend with the OP if they like her, it's not the other womans fault if they don't.

LucieLucie · 19/06/2017 19:52

Your feelings towards each other are clearly mutual but it seems this queen bee is going out on a limb to be rude and deliberately make you feel bad.

Everyone knows it's bad manners to invite friends over and exclude one, especially if they're sitting there while the organisation is going on.

BUT...you have fake friends. The others are acting like sheep, not one of them thinks enough of you or your feelings to actually speak up and say 'Actually op what are you doing after this? Fancy joining us?' Nope.

The only reason I have known in real life for someone being excluded was because her 2 year old son was a prolific biter and the mother didn't get a handle on it. She'd sit with her cuppa and ignore him until low and behold some kid screams in pain with her Chucky doll like offspring attached to its face. Could there be a problem with your nursery age child?

If not, just say "Wow, how rude are you lot! Don't you know it's bad manners to treat someone like this" then flounce out the room

TinselTwins · 19/06/2017 19:56

Everyone knows it's bad manners to invite friends over and exclude one, especially if they're sitting there while the organisation is going on.

It was playgroup though. I've never known a whole playgroup to just displace to elsewhere at the end of group - people leave by themselves or in 2s or 3s, that's not unusual or rude.

The 3 might have lift-shared there, or not. Groups splinter off at the end of all playgroups I've ever been to, I've literally never seen a whole playgroup move on as one solid hive!

FreeNiki · 19/06/2017 19:57

Fine but she doesnt have a problem with the rest of the group. Why is the same.pwrson always excluded.

TinselTwins · 19/06/2017 20:02

Fine but she doesnt have a problem with the rest of the group She invited two people round at the end of a playgroup, not the whole room bar one

The OP says that this happens in various configurations, i.e. 1:1s, groups of 3/4 etc, the woman has made friends with the women that the OP considers her friends and the OP doesn't like this.

Sounds like the woman is making plans with women she meets who appear to like her, not every single aquaintance she has, that's all!

TinselTwins · 19/06/2017 20:03

Fine but she doesnt have a problem with the rest of the group. Why is the same.pwrson always excluded.

Maybe the OP is the only one who actively dislikes her?

The OP has said that she doesn't like the woman, I'm guessing the woman knows. Why would you approach someone who is giving you those vibes?

PeaFaceMcgee · 19/06/2017 20:06

Did you exclude her first OP?

purplecollar · 19/06/2017 20:12

I think it's rude. I had a woman do this to me when our dc were about 3. I knew every other person in the group, was friends with all of them, but she couldn't stand me. No particular reason. She got worse and worse then started openly verbally abusing me when they started at school.

I managed to keep in touch with one friend, who'd meet up with me separately. Another one started getting in touch when they were around 6/7 and mine had become bff with hers.

They're heading to secondary now. Nobody can stand this woman. I wonder why it took them so long to find out. I had one friend round complaining about her today. You see these people, if you get out of their radar, will fixate on someone else to hate/be nasty to.

So my advice would be form more individual friendships by inviting one over at a time of the nicer ones. Never mention the woman. It will get shaken up when your dc start to make proper friendships aged 5/6/7. But mostly, just keep your dignity and play the long game.

Malfoyy · 19/06/2017 20:30

On one hand I'm with you OP but on the other you've said you've never liked her so why should she like you and invite you to things she's organising?

Brighteyes27 · 19/06/2017 20:32

I feel really for you OP. This person has obviously decided to muscle in on your group and whether she is prettier is more sociable, better socially connected, has a bigger house or garden, is funny etc. the other mums like her. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Try not to take it too personally you can either;

get organized and invite everyone to x except this woman (which doesn't seem to be working at the minute).
organise something and graciously make a big effort to include this woman (be the bigger person, if she has slagged you off the others will see it as unfounded.
make a deliberate OTT effort with this woman in their company so she would look really bad not including/inviting you/slagging you off especially as you are so nice and friendly to her.
be brazen and invite yourself openly. Actually I am really parched and at a lose end do you mind if x and I tag along just this once as I could really do with a coffee natter or DC could really do with letting off some steam etc. She is obviously deliberately playing power games and has the upper hand, at the moment as you are playing into her hands. Read 'a little bit crazy'. A few women and girls are like this they obviously get a kick out of this whether they flatter others, get them to feel sorry for them but girls and women often fall for this.

BellyBean · 19/06/2017 20:32

If you would be willing to join crazy lady, I'd ask 'oh do you think x would mind if I came too?' To your friend. If the answer is ummm, not sure... I'd follow up with 'oh, when are you next free, it's a shame we can't / don't hang out as much as we used to..'

Flip

1 2 3