To think I will never be able to socialise normally.

[Hopeless28]

...and should just not bother trying

Two weeks ago my boss called me into the office. He was annoyed because I had accidentally let slip he'd authorised an absense over the length he's meant to have. Basically a senior manager asked me where a work colleague was and I explained she was on an absense of a month. This senior manager than told my manager off.
I didn't realise this would get him into trouble and that I should have lied and said I didn't know where she was.

He sat me down and told me I was cringeworthy. Everyone just finds me embarrassing and doesn't like me in the office. That I overshare and think I'm funny when really everyone just finds me irritating. He asked me to only talk about work from now on and to say I don't know if asked something.

I don't know what was said but I know my boss told two people I've been bitching about them (which isn't true) because two of them starting shouting orders at me. Those two did apologise after three days and I think they've realised they were wrong.

My boss is also back to being nice to me but I have now handed my notice in. I consider that while I am hopelessly socially awkward this constituted bullying. I'm not going to take it further but I don't want to work here anymore. Luckily I have another job lined up of the same title and pay.

While I've only ever been popular at work until this job I feel so hopeless socially and my managers comments have really hit me hard. They've affected my confidence. I just feel like I cannot be 'normal' and not upset people. I really don't mean to. I am not a bad person or a deliberate trouble maker but I always seem to offend.

There's too many examples to name but I seem to offend people by accident or get people into trouble. Just three examples to illustrate my point. Two work colleagues had applied for the same position and I explained that I thought one work colleague had a really good chance as she has loads of experience. The other colleague was then offended as that implied she didn't! But that was not what I meant. All I meant was to be supportive of the other work colleague. I thought they both had an equal chance and equally good experience!

Another example was we were discussing Christmas and I explained that I didn't speak too much to my family as I was in care for most of my life so I've had every Christmas alone since aged 16 but I didn't mind it. The office went quiet. This was clearly oversharing but I hadn't realised until after I'd said it.

Last example. My work colleague needed to pick a delivery up in time for her holiday abroad so she went during the morning. When someone asked where she was I explained and this got her into trouble as she wasn't allowed leave at that time!

I seem to just make people cringe! It's awful!

Men generally like me as I'm physically attractive. Don't mean that to be a boast. Just explaining. But with women and gay men I seem to irritate completely! It's as if the only thing keeping me half capable of having friends is my appearance. Without a sexual attraction I'm awful.

I feel like socialising is impossible. I always seem to shock,upset or offend people. I feel like just never speaking again. I did get myself accessed for autism or aspergers but I have been accessed as definitely not having these and I completely agree. I think my communication issues stem from the fact I was home schooled In a religious cult and never socialised outside of my family. When I left the cult I was alone so spent the last 12 years basically alone. So I've never really socialised except at work.

I've got friends from my old work place that I'm now very close to and one I consider my best friend. He never found me embarrassing or inappropriate.
I've never had a problem at my old work place. They all loved me and were in tears when I left. Maybe I just don't fit in here. But my worry is I won't fit it anywhere else either. AIBU to think Im socially weird and inappropriate?

What your boss said was cruel but for sure something is going on and you by your own admission gave given only 3 examples out of many.

There is no way you wont have been affected by growing up in an abusive religious cult. Sounds like your boundaries are a bit skewed, oversharing, lots empathy, eager to please, socially unaware. You need an assesment by a proper health professional. Do you experience very intense emotions, struggle to keep friendships though at first people like you, have any impulsive behaviour, worry about being abandoned.

I'm not a MH professional but have a couple of close relatives who suffer from severe MH issues so in an effort to understand them have read extensively on MH issues.

My dh is a bit like you. He was brought up in a home where to tell a lie was a major error. Big drama would ensue. So he cant lie to save his life. Its brilliant to be so upright and honesty but he had to learn that not giving the full story is ok and possibly the best option. He worked in a medical field and was ruthless about sticking to protocol . Others got angry with him at times as they were trying to cover up slap dash stuff and he would call them on it. I thought he needed to find a happy medium. None of these were life threatening just protocol. Some of it petty and annoying. But colleagues got irritated if he wanted stuff to be upfront and clear.
Its like all our personalities . Our strongest points can also be our weakest.
There is no way you havent been affected by your upbringing so l think counselling would be good as looking at how we deal with stiuff is always good and interesting as well.

Your boss is a twat.

I have Aspergers. I have some similar problems to you, just for a different reason.

I suggest you look at social skills training like the ones offered to autistic people. Just because your reason for having a social skills deficit is different doesn't mean you need to learn something different. The same stuff that helps us would probably help you.

Howtopickausername, I have to completely disagree with you. My ds has Aspergers (diagnosed aged 4 as classic autism - but then diagnosis changed to Aspergers aged 10). I too have Aspergers. The spectrum is massively wide; I worked in a role in the NHS for 25+ years and am acutely aware of my social shortcomings and hiw I was perceived pre-diagnosis and post. My son is also very aware of the fact that he "doesnt fit in; gets on people's nerves; is "odd" in terms of body language/physical self in his attempts to socialist with peers.

Some people with autism are in a world of their own and not aware of their differences but many many Aspies are self-aware and mask, showing a brave attempt at "fitting in".

OP, your boss is a bully. He wants to have you cowed into silence? You're only allowed to talk about "work stuff"? This is unbelievable behaviour from a manager and totally unacceptable. It is a form of discrimination. Even though you dont want to, I would at the very least have his behaviour toward you logged with HR.

Op I think I would prefer your company to that of your colleagues. Can't stand gossipy two faced people. And I think it's lovely that despite your boss being an absolute arse, you are still trying to find good in him or her?
Someone else has already said, or alluded too
. That the culture of an organisation is usually filters from the top, so if you have a bullying , lying ( they took longer holidays than permitted) gossipy manager then then the rest of the workforce wannabes follows suit. I wouldn't dream of saying to a manager that a colleague was actively disliked, sorry but your manager and colleagues don't sound very nice at all.

www.autism.org.uk/socialskills

Some advice here.

You could also keep a list of things you have said that people have told you wasn't appropriate, like the example with the 2 people going for the same job. It might help you not make the same mistake again.

I too am very self aware I think.

Maybe this could help you www.circlesnetwork.org.uk/index.asp?slevel=0z114z115&parent_id=115

I could have written parts of your post.

Agree with a pp that some environments are better than others. I've found environments with better educated more professional staff easier to work in.

I try to censor what I say these days and stay aloof. When I've opened my heart to people they tend to back off/make fun of me behind my back.

You sound lovely and your boss sounds hideous. I'm glad to hear you are leaving. Good luck in the new job.

I know you defend your boss, seeing him as a nice person usually, but even the nicest of us can have a moment where we let ourselves down and show the other (dark) side!

As for your colleagues being nice, if they're gossipy they probably aren't that nice really are they? Only to your face, which isn't genuinely nice.

I have a relative with similar sounding communication difficulties.
They struggle to alter their tone depending on who they are speaking with and can sometimes unintentionally come accross as too direct and rude.
They are excellent at 98pc of their job - their employer recognised this invested in some sessions with a communication coach which has been very helpful. This is the way your issue should have been dealt with if in fact there really was a problem. I don't think the classes were crazily expensive so perhaps doing it privately might be an option if your new employer won't pay.
They also had childhood difficulties that probably impacted on their communication skills - although nothing as dramatic as you.
In previous jobs they also had similar nasty comments made to them by employers, dressed up as constructive criticism. They found these remarks really upsetting as their behaviour was unintentional and they could not articulate how incredibly hard they struggled every day to get things right. However it sounds like your boss is a bully who needs to work on their own communication skills- even if there was a real problem the way they worded their concerns is completely inappropriate.
Finally I actually think being attractive in this situation makes things harder. I think according to the unwritten rules of society if you look good people assume you have no problems. When your social skills are a bit off my relative found people could be very harsh - possibly because their assumptions have been challenged.Perhaps they find it harder to believe there is something wrong and think you are just not trying or are being purposely rude.

Thanks everyone.

Just to say, I have plenty of friends. I don't struggle to make or keep friendships.

Some people love my personality.

Your boss sounds absolutely horrible and no way would I have let him speak to me like that.

With that said, I would be annoyed if a colleague kept 'tattling' on me. I know this is probably not what you intend to do but a non-committal "I don't know" suffices to when someone asks about someone else's whereabouts, especially if you know they are doing personal things in work hours.

I also think insome ways I am socially capable. I'd never accidentally ask someone if they were pregnant without knowing if they are for example.

I'm also very good at knowing what to say to people in distress. People open up to me. I know a lot more about people's problems in this office than anyone else.

I'm very genuine. Nothing fake about me and I never try to be something I'm not. I don't feel he need.

I wonder if there was an element in your upbringing of "if youre not telling the whole complete truth then youre lying".

The examples about the person on absence etc all seem to have come about because you gave more information than was asked for, information that really only achieved getting the person required into trouble and might look like thats what you intended, that you were almost maliciously gossiping.

Youve already said your boss let you leave early when you were studying, I assume this may not have been fully authorised and official? It may look to the rest of the office that youre happy enough to take concessions made to you, but then "casually report" to the bosses when a similar concession is made to someone who wants to pick up a delivery for her holiday.

Someone who is against you is not giving accurate feedback.

I have worked in sales, customer. Service, communications and marketing and a consistently described as articulate and intelligent, more articulate than average, and yet I have also had two or three badbosses who attacked me exactly by 'objectively and helpfully criticism mycommunicationabilities one was my sales manager when. I was the top salesperson in his team, but he wanted to fire me. He definitely didn't like my saying' communication is a two way process, so if you aren't understanding me, it's both of us isn't it,?
You just can be a good salesperson and a poor communicator, it just doesn't work like that!
Treat these comments as what you instinctively see them as.. A criticism by bullies, of you, because it's ephemeral, and difficult for you to boast about yourself.

I find that managers whoslagoff people for precisely what you are good at are the same people who want beautiful people to feel ugly and high performers to be undermined.

Well rid in my view. Don't take on their cliché of you, or even try to understand it. If they aren't good people, their 'advice' isbollocks,