To think I will never be able to socialise normally.

[Hopeless28]

...and should just not bother trying

Two weeks ago my boss called me into the office. He was annoyed because I had accidentally let slip he'd authorised an absense over the length he's meant to have. Basically a senior manager asked me where a work colleague was and I explained she was on an absense of a month. This senior manager than told my manager off.
I didn't realise this would get him into trouble and that I should have lied and said I didn't know where she was.

He sat me down and told me I was cringeworthy. Everyone just finds me embarrassing and doesn't like me in the office. That I overshare and think I'm funny when really everyone just finds me irritating. He asked me to only talk about work from now on and to say I don't know if asked something.

I don't know what was said but I know my boss told two people I've been bitching about them (which isn't true) because two of them starting shouting orders at me. Those two did apologise after three days and I think they've realised they were wrong.

My boss is also back to being nice to me but I have now handed my notice in. I consider that while I am hopelessly socially awkward this constituted bullying. I'm not going to take it further but I don't want to work here anymore. Luckily I have another job lined up of the same title and pay.

While I've only ever been popular at work until this job I feel so hopeless socially and my managers comments have really hit me hard. They've affected my confidence. I just feel like I cannot be 'normal' and not upset people. I really don't mean to. I am not a bad person or a deliberate trouble maker but I always seem to offend.

There's too many examples to name but I seem to offend people by accident or get people into trouble. Just three examples to illustrate my point. Two work colleagues had applied for the same position and I explained that I thought one work colleague had a really good chance as she has loads of experience. The other colleague was then offended as that implied she didn't! But that was not what I meant. All I meant was to be supportive of the other work colleague. I thought they both had an equal chance and equally good experience!

Another example was we were discussing Christmas and I explained that I didn't speak too much to my family as I was in care for most of my life so I've had every Christmas alone since aged 16 but I didn't mind it. The office went quiet. This was clearly oversharing but I hadn't realised until after I'd said it.

Last example. My work colleague needed to pick a delivery up in time for her holiday abroad so she went during the morning. When someone asked where she was I explained and this got her into trouble as she wasn't allowed leave at that time!

I seem to just make people cringe! It's awful!

Men generally like me as I'm physically attractive. Don't mean that to be a boast. Just explaining. But with women and gay men I seem to irritate completely! It's as if the only thing keeping me half capable of having friends is my appearance. Without a sexual attraction I'm awful.

I feel like socialising is impossible. I always seem to shock,upset or offend people. I feel like just never speaking again. I did get myself accessed for autism or aspergers but I have been accessed as definitely not having these and I completely agree. I think my communication issues stem from the fact I was home schooled In a religious cult and never socialised outside of my family. When I left the cult I was alone so spent the last 12 years basically alone. So I've never really socialised except at work.

I've got friends from my old work place that I'm now very close to and one I consider my best friend. He never found me embarrassing or inappropriate.
I've never had a problem at my old work place. They all loved me and were in tears when I left. Maybe I just don't fit in here. But my worry is I won't fit it anywhere else either. AIBU to think Im socially weird and inappropriate?

Your boss sounds really horrible and unprofessional!

Pethaps your social skills are a little off though. This tedtalks video (link below) made by a man with aspergers shows social skills can be learnt. I know you said autism was ruled out for you but I find it quite uplifting as my son has autism and some social norms do not come naturally to him.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=B-xgdqNtcDI

howto people with Aspergers can be self aware! And are often more self aware than NTs.

Common misperception though.

Op I feel very similar at work (although without the same upbringing or attractiveness).

If your awkwardness was really a problem, the boss should/would've taken you to one side and said something quietly. Instead he used it as a stick to beat you with after he was caught doing something he shouldn't.

Im glad you're moving on, hopefully your next boss will be better. And as you're unlikely to want to work there again, I would definitely speak to HR about his bullying behaviour. It won't help you but if they have it on record it might help the next person he verbally abuses.

Good luck.

Firstly, your boss had no right whatsoever to speak to you in that way, and he's damn lucky you haven't put a complaint in. Personally, I'd have gone to HR and let him have it with both barrels. File a grievance, let them know you feel you have been pushed out, why the hell should your boss get away with acting like a gigantic arsehole?

Secondly, seems to me that if people are offended by you telling the truth, that's definitely their problem and not yours. You shouldn't be expected to lie for anybody. Your boss got arsey with you because HE was in the wrong, and got caught out. Wasn't your fault, he knowingly did something he wasn't supposed to do and then tried to blame you for it. Your work colleague got into trouble because SHE left the premises when she knew she wasn't allowed to.

Personally, I'd far rather have a work colleague who is straightforward and open like you, than one who lies and tries to get away with doing things that are wrong. Same goes for friends - open and honest is a bloody good thing to be, so please don't beat yourself up and think there is something wrong with you - you've got it the wrong way around, there's something wrong with them!

Nothing else to add, other than a big hug to you OP, and be confident in yourself you lovely lady!

I think there's had been issues before he spoke to me. Although he probably wouldn't have bothered saying anything to my face if he hadn't been annoyed.
I still think there was a problem.

I'd like to do a social skills course.

I don't think I need counselling. I'm generally a happy person. I just wish I didn't go around being a nuisance to people!

They're just three examples. There's loads. Every day I put my foot in it. Over share. Often people.

I do say things that could be deemed offensive. Nothing that could get me sacked or anything but things people take the wrong way.

I think you were just in the wrong job. That team doesn't seem to fit well with you. It's not you. As you said, you got on well with your last set of colleagues.

A lot of people have quirks, or overshare. It's not usually a problem.

Do you think about how others might feel before you say something? Can you put yourself in their shoes? Do you tend to blurt out without thinking?

I have the opposite problem in that I'm overly aware of other people's thoughts to the extent I become anxious.

I think you need to reframe your experience with this boss.

It's clear your boss was pissed off because you were honest (which is a quality by the way!) and as a result, your boss got in trouble. Your boss can't reasonably expect you to lie to cover his arse, especially if he hasn't even asked you to lie to cover his arse.

He's just getting at you because he's mad. His problem, not a reflection on your personality! But he obviously knows how to get at you because it seems to be working.

You sound lovely and up front, there's not enough people like that in the world. Don't change yourself! You will find there are people out there who value honesty, these are the people you need as your friends.

You seem to be repeating your bosses words in your own head. I would rewrite that script if I were you. Replay it as him being a dick because he's mad, and tell yourself he said you're annoying but that's just him being mean because he got into trouble. Tell yourself that because it's the truth! Whatever you do, don't repeat his words to yourself as though they're truth. They're not.

Colleagues and bosses should not expect others to lie for them.

You're all being very supportive.

I don't think my boss and colleagues are awful. If I did I wouldn't listen to anything they said.

It's because I know they're not that I know I have a problem. My boss has been lovely to me. Let me leave early when I was studying. Gave me excellent appraisals. Was very supportive when I struggled with work.

He was horrid with what he said to me but I can't honestly say he's a Nad person because I don't think he is.

Also my team is considered a happy place to work. It's a bit gossipy but generally people are happy here and most staff members have been here several years.

Ah well. The team were moved from a very posh office to an absolute shithole two months ago.

My new job is back in the posh office. Plus I have my boss's old office! 😂😁

So do you think that your (potential) oversharing problem extends to other people's information? It does sound as though you went into more detail than necessary in the cases you cited above - there was no need to say that the colleague was off for a month, just that they were on leave, and there was no need to go into details of where your other colleague was, just saying that they had had to pop out would have sufficed.

You work in this environment, so you must have an idea of what is and isn't allowed. By sharing this amount of detail, does it never occur to you that you are likely to be dropping your colleagues in it? Since is has happened twice, do you feel like you might be able to identify a similar situation in the future and avoid getting into the same predicament? People may find it hard to believe that you are not doing this deliberately if it happens more than once, so it may just be a case of identifying scenarios where your behaviour contributes to a problem and modifying it accordingly.

That said, it does sound as though you have overcome a lot which could have affected your ability to 'read' situations, so try not to be too hard on yourself - you are clearly doing well professionally, and I'm sure these few small incidents are easily rectified.

Well with the first part of your childhood in a cult and the second in care (multiple placements?) I'd say it's pretty likely you have some attachment difficulties. Attachment disorder can present in a very similar way to ASD. We also learn social skills from our family and peers, and your childhood probably didn't allow you to learn and develop your social skills in the same way. Most of us have supportive adults to help us as we develop these skills and most of us try them out on friends from a very young age. I'm sorry you missed out on this.
Having said that, it doesn't sound like this work was the right place for you. There also seems to be a bit of a culture of covering for each other and bending the rules.
Another thing to consider is that if you mention being in care and people go silent awkwardly, this is really their problem. It is your story and you can share as much or as little as you like. It is NOTHING to be ashamed of and you shouldn't feel you have to hide it to stop others feeling awkward.

OP even if you were the world's most annoying person - which I very much doubt - your boss would be 100% out of line saying those things to you. It is unprofessional and cruel. He sounds like he was just throwing his toys out the pram because he was caught breaking the rules. Not your fault and not your problem. You are well rid. Enjoy your new office & congrats on the job!

I don't think is have any attachment disorders.

I am very empathetic and able to relate and understand when people are upset. I can put myself in others shoes.

I don't identify with any of the symptoms of attachment disorder.

OP - I think you are giving too much credit to others' social skills here. Everyone has some quirks and says and does the wrong thing sometimes. None of what you have described has been done with malicious intent, unlike your boss's behaviour which is totally out of order. He is the one who should be feeling bad.

If there are things about yourself you want to work on, fine - that's true of most of us (I myself have worked long and hard on my empathy and small talk skills, which for a long time did not come naturally), but it does seem as though you are giving yourself an unnecessarily hard time.

Also, not everyone fits in everywhere. You said yourself you got on brilliantly in your last office. Maybe you didn't fit in so well here. It happens. Don't blame yourself. Move on.

I think what your boss did was shit.

But i do think the examples should you need to be more careful with what you say.

You got the boss and someone else into trouble by talking about things that werent anything to do with you. Ie the delivery or the month long absence.

The chat about the jobs, seems wuite obvious if you say 'oh you deserve it' the person you arent saying it to, will feel you are saying they dont.

The care home overshare depends on your work. No one would bat an eyelid at my work. We share and know alot about eachother.

None of these means it was ok to say what he said.

I sympathise op; I have had to learn social skills the hard way as my mother was a bit crap at them too (prob had issues of her own tbf). I have rules that I've internalized, and try to err on the side of caution when those rules don't seem to be sufficient. It's hard work. Gossipy bitchy workplaces are far far harder for me because there are appropriately 12 million unspoken rules that I haven't spotted. Funnily enough, I have noted that the more academic the environment, the easier people are to deal with. Possibly because we all have the same straight-forward approach to facts; who knows

Your boss was cruel to say those things - be glad you are leaving, and enjoy your new/old place!

youre too self aware to have aspergers.
Actually plenty of us with Asperger's are VERY self-aware, way more self-aware than most neurotypical people. That doesn't stop us putting our foot in it, it just means that afterwards we spend all our time beating ourselves up for getting it neurotypically wrong again.
And OP - your boss is a tosser. There's nothing wrong with honesty - your boss & colleague were doing things they shouldn't & got found out. It's not your job to cover for them. Maybe you overshare a bit, but I'm not even that convinced of that. You sound fine to me. It's the rest of the world that has the problem.

I don't think this situation is your fault. The Christmas example may have made your colleagues uncomfortable, but I don't see anything wrong with you mentioning it. Are you supposed to never say anything because it doesn't fit in with everyone else's happy narrative? With the other examples, you clearly didn't know you were dropping anyone in it. It would be natural to assume that someone who has popped out or is absent for a month has done so with permission. If people are doing things they aren't supposed to it might be helpful for them to let others know. Don't be so hard on yourself, the manager was wrong.

As you've been successful in you like if work, you're open and honest personality is a really good fit. To me you do seem to struggle with the social aspect of working along side colleagues. It appears you don't have the ability to think 'If I say x, potential consequeses are y and z' and filter your response accordingly.
That's what most people do, especially in the workplace, as you have to work along side people you wouldn't necessarily be friends with.
Your boss does sound a bit shit, but he'll feel you don't have his back as you got him into trouble. Most bosses expect loyalty.
Even though you did it by accident.

That was serious bullying by your boss.he just wanted to hurt you and he succeeded.

Please please go above his head and complain to his boss

Please don't validate her bosses bullying remarks lion.

It's your boss who has the problem op! He should have don't it right in the first place instead of trying to sidestep his a manager! You've done amazingly well to get this far and who cares if your "socially awkward". Who's to say what's correct in social situations anyway.

Sorry you work with such a load of idiots!