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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do

55 replies

HardplaceandRock · 18/06/2017 18:06

BACKGROUND: 7 couples all friends, meet at NTC classes during our first pregnancies, live in a small town to groups of the kids have ended up at same schools, all gone on to have more children and all friends.....think family BBQs, couples nights out, even been camping and to centre parcs together...eldest children are now all school yr 10 and siblings range from yr 7 to yr 2

ISSUE: husband of couple a is having affair with wife of couple b.........wives of couples c & d (I am wife's) discovered it basically caught them meeting up at a hotel and have cast iron proof....wife a has confirmed, when confronted that it is going on and no intention to stop......now no idea what to do.....husband c & d have no idea nor do either of couple e.

Telling the partners of those having the affair, is going to blow their families apart and their will be reprocussions throughout the adult friendship group as well as the children's group.

Also if we tell us it gonna come back and bite us where we end up the bad guys......feel sick thinking about it and don't know what to do....help how do I handle this

OP posts:

restingbf · 18/06/2017 18:40

Def give an ultimatum, they should be the ones to tell their partners, but if they don't have the guts...be a good friend and tell them yourself. I'd be absolutely gutted if I found out later on that my mate knew what was going on and did nothing!

Original poster

HardplaceandRock · 18/06/2017 18:48

Ok think I am going to have to put on my big girl pants and give them an ultimatum and if they don't deal with it then I will tell the wife who is being cheated on......

Oh and believe me I am not enjoying the drama, I am making my self ill worrying about the kids involved in the 2 families and how their lives are gonna change due to this......and also the emotional effect on the wronged partners.....I take zero enjoyment from any of this.

OP posts:

MiniCooperLover · 18/06/2017 19:22

Because it's the right thing to do, regardless of whether it breaks friendship groups etc. They are in the wrong, OP and other friends are aware and can't just sit back.

LagunaBubbles · 18/06/2017 19:26

I get youre concerned but I wouldn't be making myself ill over it!

Allthebestnamesareused · 18/06/2017 19:56

You do the classic, " You have until Wednesday to tell your partners, if you don't, we will be telling them on Thursday.

Definitely this. Perhaps get the other wife (d) that knows to back you up and meet the friend having the affair (b) for a coffee or drink and give her the ultimatum and suggest she lets husband (a) know that this is what will happen.

It should not be your burden.

GhostPower · 18/06/2017 22:04

Honesty is the best policy as they say even if it is hard. Yes you may get some of them not liking you for it but hopefully they'll be mature enough to realise it's not your fault. As they also say, don't shoot the messenger. I agree, if it were me I'd want to know. And plus they may respect you more than if it comes out and they found out you knew and said zilch.

PerpendicularVincent · 18/06/2017 22:15

Let's face it, it's going to be awful, but your friends who are being cheated on deserve to know.

Then they can decide what they want to do, and how they want to live their lives. Stay or go, in possession of all relevant knowledge, no longer being betrayed.

Your friendship group is unlikely to be the same, but that's the fault of the people cheating. You don't sound like you love the drama, you sound concerned about your friends.

DianneDionne · 18/06/2017 22:16

OP I'd be telling wife a, your friend, what has been discovered. I'd tell her the facts and then she can decide what to do with them. I'd tell her that I'd be there for her and that I could forget about all of it if she wanted me to. It's only fair that your friend has the information- the damage has been done already.

I can't believe how many posters as telling you to leave it, stay out of it etc! You know - as crap as that is, you can't betray your friend by carrying on regardless, that makes you as bad as her husband. Telling her is the right thing to do, as awful as having to tell her might be.

Misspilly88 · 18/06/2017 22:18

I would want to know. And I'd be horrified to know that my nct group knew and hadn't told me.

Secretsweets · 18/06/2017 23:22

7 couples - so are the other 2 couples completely oblivious ?

I would make sure the cheating pairs other halfs found out, but it directly from you. Like an anonymous letter in the post or something

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 18/06/2017 23:27

Please not anonymous. My best friend has just had an anonymous letter. It has blown her world apart. No real answers just a lot of rumours and suspicions. Relationship all over without any real evidence. Have the balls to tell what you do know. .

ArchieStar · 18/06/2017 23:58

Tell them. To their face. You would want to know in that situation.

buttercup54321 · 19/06/2017 00:12

Wives C and D are loving the drama and need to mind their own business.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 19/06/2017 00:14

Or the other thing you could do (without blackmailing the cheaters) would be to abruptly stop socialising with the group yourself.

Say no to every invite and meet up.

When asked why, tell the wronged spouses to ask their partners. Tell them THEY know why you've stopped joining in.

It gives them the opportunity to do the right thing and it shows you won't go along with their lies and deceptions.

buttonhead101 · 19/06/2017 00:20

Tell them or do as Keepserving suggests. I would want to know however hurtful. I would also not want to continue our friendship if you knew my husband was having an affair and didn't tell me.

Original poster

HardplaceandRock · 19/06/2017 07:22

Ok coffee with cheating wife after morning school run to inform her that I am telling wronged wife today!

OP posts:

honeyroar · 19/06/2017 14:03

Good luck.

CosmicStrider · 19/06/2017 14:21

As the person who was being cheated on in this situation - I now don't talk to everyone that knew and didn't tell me. Rightly or wrongly I saw their silence as condoning the deceit and, as they had mentioned our friendship and how great it was, knowing my DH was doing that, I saw them as dishonest.

I say tell. If it doesn't go well with the one wife who is cheating today, then don't delay.

CosmicStrider · 19/06/2017 14:21

I say tell. If it doesn't go well with the one wife who is cheating today, then don't delay.

MickeyRooney · 19/06/2017 14:30

Jesus, i'd hate it if everyone knew my DH was having an affair and didn't tell me.
I'd feel like a right stupid cunt and i'd be very angry for being kept in the dark, while everyone gossiped about it when my back was turned.

RiversrunWoodville · 19/06/2017 15:10

Good luck fwiw I would want to know

kingfishergreen · 19/06/2017 15:17

You can only do unto others as you'd like done unto you. In this case, I'd want to know, so I'd tell.

GhostPower · 20/06/2017 16:23

How did it go OP? X

Original poster

HardplaceandRock · 20/06/2017 18:22

Hi! Right wronged wife was told (by me) as I said I would and presented with evidence, she then spoke to wronged husband and they confronted thier partners together.....who tried to wriggle out of it...then caved in and admitted it.

Cheating husband has been thrown out...no idea where he is staying.

Husband that was cheated on is staying with us until he finds somewhere permanent.....

Both marriages over...no going back, kids not aware yet just that they have fallen out.

Oh and I got a load of abbusive texts from cheating wife so have blocked her.

Was awful telling friend but she was greatful I did and knows I am here for her when she is ready to talk.

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 20/06/2017 18:33

Well done op. May your thread hang around long enough to assist others to put on big girl pants and do the right thing if ever in doubt. .....

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