Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Auntie favouring one child

47 replies

Wendalicious · 18/06/2017 13:02

Hoping you can give me some perspective- my daughter had a birthday this weekend and my sister in law has just called me asking when she can bring gifts over? I said I felt uncomfortable as it was my sons birthday last month and this was totally ignored!

It's not about the money at all it's about treating them the same (one year apart) and now she things I am mad and we have fallen out! I always try to treat the kids the same so this goes against every feeling I have about that! She says that he won't have remembered but I don't think that's the point- discuss xx

OP posts:

PoppyTree · 18/06/2017 13:04

YANBU, that would piss me off too. Has she said why she missed out your son's birthday?

I have seen this shit happen in families, and it leaves the 'forgotten' child very insecure and rather upset as to what they have done wrong.

Call her and ask her why she left out your son.

NellieFiveBellies · 18/06/2017 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 18/06/2017 13:06

SIL - your partners sister - let him deal with his family dynamics; or your brothers wife? In which case you speak directly with your brother.

How old are these children?

Original poster

Wendalicious · 18/06/2017 13:07

Thanks for your reply- I question my sanity as I am always made to feel like I'm making a drama! She asked me when his birthday was and didn't remember it when I told her even though was invited and declined party invite (fair enough kids party's can be no fun!) so seemed to have just passed her by!

OP posts:

wowfudge · 18/06/2017 13:08

Are you sure she doesn't have gifts for both of them?

Original poster

Wendalicious · 18/06/2017 13:09

They are 4&5! Daughter slightly
"easier" than son but you have to learn the differences! Brothers wife but we are v close and friends so I'm closer to her, weekends away etc x

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 18/06/2017 13:09

Perhaps say - come over at X time because that will you give you time to pop and get DS's present to bring at the same time.

Original poster

Wendalicious · 18/06/2017 13:13

It all just seems to contrived to ask her to buy him one- don't want to appear "grabby" but I have an inbuilt radar of child equality (I hope!) x

OP posts:

Suntrapped · 18/06/2017 13:32

Sounds like she feels closer to your DD for whatever reason. Or finds it easier to buy a gift for a girl. Life is never fair and I think they need to learn that. As parents you treat them equally but can't expect everyone to do the same.

I wouldn't ask her to buy DS a gift too. She might not want to. Why should she buy a gift if she doesn't have the same bond with him?

Just ask her to give DD the gift in private.

Urubu · 18/06/2017 13:40

A parent loves all their DC the sale, but it is not always the same for others who can feel a closer bond with one DC.
Just tell her to offer the gift privately and/or give your other DC something else yourself

RebelRogue · 18/06/2017 13:46

What did she say when u told her about missing your son's bday?

tickyandtackyandjackythebacky · 18/06/2017 13:50

That's really frustrating op. We have the same with the in laws. Booked a holiday around dds birthday the last couple of years stating they didn't want to miss it and went on holiday over ds birthday last year and will be away this year too. I think getting the gift privately like pp mentioned might work and maybe give it to her when ds isn't about? It's rubbish though I sympathise.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 18/06/2017 13:56

No no no do not get the gift privately, she either treats them the same or she doesn't see them. Giving the gift privately is sneaky and more importantly it is making your dd too, why get her involved in treating your ds like he is less important?

Witchend · 18/06/2017 13:57

Does she always forget him or was it a one off?

MatildaTheCat · 18/06/2017 13:59

I agree it's not nice but now you've said something I doubt it will happen again. You are friends with SIL so it's silly to fall out over it.

She may just feel a closer bond with dd but as an aunt she must treat them in a similar fashion.

She's been told so let's see what happens.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 18/06/2017 14:06

YANBU, if she didn't do it on purpose then she should have been apologetic and wanting to fix it, but that wasn't the case. Is she trying to play a golden child/scapegoat type of dynamic?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/06/2017 14:14

There's no excuse or reasoning what so ever for buying one child with out the other.

Please do not accept the gifts for your dd. It will not be fair on your dd, and He'll never forget it.
Favorites are one thing. Letting it show and making Sirloin Steak out of one and meat out of another is another thing entirely.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/06/2017 14:16

It will not be fair on your ds

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 18/06/2017 14:23

Would she get the hint if you handed her a wrapped gift when she arrived and asked her to give it to ds as his feelings would be hurt if dd got a gift and he got sweet f all

DAMNgina · 18/06/2017 14:24

I was the invisible/forgotten child, my sister the golden child to the extended family.

I remembered, still do, and was hurt and confused, and it did effect my self-esteem and self-worth greatly.

TBH it did my sister no good in the long-term either.

A red flag to me is the fact you're being minimised and having your sanity questioned - this is a tactic for manipulative people.

You are a very good Mum to not sacrifice your family's emotional health in order to keep 'nice' with SIL or 'avoiding confrontation'.

A very good Mum and a healthy person.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2017 14:27

Your right, you cannot do that to children, has she got a form for this, or is this the first time. If its the first time, I would let it go, but if it happens again, I would not accept gifts unless there is one for ds too. Children remember that, and it can affect them into adulthood, and the feeling of rejection, and worth less than the siblings. Even if she felt more comfortable about buying for a girl, she could ask you what ds is into. Its not acceptable for one sibling to be favoured over another.

CrawlingNotRunning · 18/06/2017 14:28

It isn't ok and you are doing the right thing by standing up for your son. I see this over and over again in my family. It is so hurtful to the left out kid even if they pretend not to notice. I had it happen to me and it really is hard to not let it influence even your adult life.

Keep standing up for both your kids to be treated fairly. It sucks.

DAMNgina · 18/06/2017 14:28

Just to add, I remember reading an article where the journalist said - my three children know I have a favourite - and they all think it's them.

It's a taboo to talk about it, but I think it must be common to have a favourite - but admitting it to yourself and being aware of your actions and compensating for them, is the way to go.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2017 14:28

Good on you for telling her, you have your son's back, and she knows your onto her, hopefully it won't happen again.

burnoutbabe · 18/06/2017 14:31

where is your brother in all this? he is their actual uncle but its not mentioned that he hasn't bothered with any present?

Flip

1 2