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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm awful aren't I

41 replies

TheSkyisBlueToday · 18/06/2017 07:54

NC'd for this one!

It's Father's Day today, and FIL has invited us all to his for a family BBQ.

I've told DP that I'm not going and explained why. I suffer from anxiety and a big family gathering + friends is my idea of hell. Not only that but I can't stand FIL once he's had a drink.

He gets very touchy-feely which makes me very uncomfortable and turns nasty on people thinking he's being funny.

I've told DP he should take DD with him and go see his family but he doesn't want to look after DD himself want to go without me. He says he's happy to stay home and do something just the three of us.

But I feel awful, it feels I'm stopping DP from seeing his DF on father day. Awful aren't I Sad

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 18/06/2017 07:58

I'm pretty big on making an effort for family, but - no. In this case, you are not awful.

FIL's behaviour sounds gross. You don't have to go. If your partner doesn't want to take your daughter on his own, that is his choice. You're not stopping him.

Flowers
Shoxfordian · 18/06/2017 07:59

I don't think you're awful but you are being a bit selfish. I think you should go for a couple of hours; be civil and maybe have a drink yourself.

It's a lovely sunny day too so a BBQ sounds good

You can always avoid your FIL if there's a lot of people and talk to the ones you like best

I wouldn't be very happy about this if I were your husband

cheesydoesit · 18/06/2017 08:03

Well her husband has the choice to go without her but doesn't want to solo parent his child. Of course she's not BU. FIL sounds like a creep, why should she have to put up with that in the name of 'faaaamily'?

Original poster
TheSkyisBlueToday · 18/06/2017 08:06

FIL lives about 1.5 hours away, so not really worth a quick trip. It would be an all day thing.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/06/2017 08:08

To be honest I'd go.

NavyandWhite · 18/06/2017 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

storminabuttercup · 18/06/2017 08:11

I wouldn't go, he sounds like a dirty old man. I don't like DPs father as he's basically a controlling sexist arsehole, I haven't seen him for around 4 years, DP sees him once a week but only because he is now unable to do things for himself and DP does his shopping.

TheoriginalLEM · 18/06/2017 08:11

Don't go - i cannot abide this sort of thing and it would cripple me anxiety wise.

Your dh has offered an alternative so go with that.

harderandharder2breathe · 18/06/2017 08:13

Your husband is making the choice not to take responsibility for his own child go without you

I completely understand why you don't want to go, I wouldn't either. You're not trying to stop or guilt your DP into not going

Shoxfordian · 18/06/2017 08:24

Presumably you knew about it before today?

Original poster
TheSkyisBlueToday · 18/06/2017 08:28

We received a text yesterday inviting us. We had the conversation yesterday but today I feel guilty.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 18/06/2017 08:29

I'd go. It's Father's Day but I think your DH should talk to his DF about his behaviour towards you at some point. Not today.

ShinyGirl · 18/06/2017 08:32

How are you stopping him? Unless you've got him tied to the bed he can go. He's doing the same as you by choosing not to, but it's his choice.

Would have been better to tell him no yesterday though (FIL)

alpacasandwich · 18/06/2017 08:34

I've told DP that I'm not going and explained why. I suffer from anxiety and a big family gathering + friends is my idea of hell.

Does this happen every time there's a family gathering?

Anxiety is obviously terrible. Are you in treatment for it?

A lot of people use avoidance as a strategy to manage anxiety but that's not actually encouraged because all it does is restrict your activities.

Millionsmom · 18/06/2017 08:34

No you're not awful at all.

If this were me, I'd go to the BBQ though.

AyeAmarok · 18/06/2017 08:35

I'd go, but leave as soon as FIL started behaving like an arse.

Sparkletastic · 18/06/2017 08:39

I wouldn't go. If your DP was that bothered about seeing his dad on Father's Day he would have arranged something himself.

Original poster
TheSkyisBlueToday · 18/06/2017 08:42

We let FIL know yesterday, just reflecting back this morning as DP sleeps.

I do usually go to gatherings but I've got a lot on lately which has raised my anxiety and stress levels (finishing uni work, new job in July, moving house and a holiday) all in the space of a month. Hence why I don't want to go.

OP posts:
alpacasandwich · 18/06/2017 08:43

Well if it's a one-off it seems like it's not a huge deal. Enjoy your day OP!

pilates · 18/06/2017 08:45

I would go and keep away from him as much as possible and if he starts misbehaving make my excuses to leave.

CaptainWarbeck · 18/06/2017 08:51

I wouldn't stress about it. If FIL's behaviour is unpleasant that sounds like a fair enough reason for you not to want to go. And you're not stopping your DH.

Do something nice the 3 of you and celebrate him.

BeyondThePage · 18/06/2017 08:51

DH can choose to go or not go.

HE has chosen not to go. He has the convenient excuse that you don't want to go, but he still could IF HE WANTED TO.

So stop feeling guilty for other people's choices.

beepbeepimasheep · 18/06/2017 08:53

Your DP is an adult and he doesn't need you to go along and hold his hand, he's capable of going somewhere without you.

YANBU and you are not awful either. Let them go without you and you go and do something that you enjoy.

EllaHen · 18/06/2017 08:57

Don't go. I wouldn't in these circumstances.

It was late notice anyway so likely you would have had your own plans already.

Inertia · 18/06/2017 09:05

It's your husband's responsibility to make arrangements with his father.