I'm awful aren't I

[TheSkyisBlueToday]

NC'd for this one!

It's Father's Day today, and FIL has invited us all to his for a family BBQ.

I've told DP that I'm not going and explained why. I suffer from anxiety and a big family gathering + friends is my idea of hell. Not only that but I can't stand FIL once he's had a drink.

He gets very touchy-feely which makes me very uncomfortable and turns nasty on people thinking he's being funny.

I've told DP he should take DD with him and go see his family but he doesn't want to look after DD himself want to go without me. He says he's happy to stay home and do something just the three of us.

But I feel awful, it feels I'm stopping DP from seeing his DF on father day. Awful aren't I

I wouldn't drive 1.5 hours for that.
I do think your dh sounds like a drip ( sorry) either he doesn't want to go because he finds his father inappropriate which is fair enough but to use the excuse has given us very lazy.
Why can't he parent his own child?
That would be the real issue for me.

It sounds like you have good reasons not to go, so YANBU.

That said, it will be a shame for your OH if your social phobia prevents family gatherings ever taking place at all. Can you envisage types of gathering at which your FIL's behaviour would be less problematic - either because there would be no alcohol involved or because you could stay away from him (eg a sit-down meal where he was at the other end of a large table)? If so, perhaps you could work with your OH to try and make sure a reasonable number of such events are organised.

Well, it's Father's Day and that delightful man is not your father, plus you have more than ample reasons not to go anyway, so I cannot blame you for not wanting to make the trip.
You said to you DP to go and take your DD so you did all you could. He chose not to. Maybe he wanted an excuse not to go too? Just a thought.

I'm with Alpaca, you can't let anxiety rule your life, I understand that the FIL is annoying but he'll never change unless the issue is addressed.

My dh is a lot like you and this sort of event would be his idea of hell. He makes an effort with my family once or twice a year and the rest of the time I take the kids without him. That's what your dh could be doing, he could take your dd, see his dad, have a great day.

It's his choice not to do that, he's the one choosing not to see his dad on father's day.

Sounds like your DP can't be bothered to go see his father - that's on him, not you.

Oh and to answer your question I don't think you are awful at all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to chill out in your own home at the weekends. Your husband is a father too so if he's happy with just you and your daughter for the day then everyone's happy.

Erm WTF no you're not being awful. If DP doesn't want to go without you then that is his problem.

FFS what kind of whiny manbaby can't go out without his girlfriend to hold his hand? Especially as you suspect it's that he doesn't want to look after his child on his own.

He should man up.

No you are not being awful. Don't go if your FIL is an arse.

I think you should stay at home, on this occasion.
Your levels are already rising, by the time you get there, you'll wish you hadn't. Maybe arrange to visit, when you have less on your plate.
Have a lovely day with your DH, your FIL, will not be crying around the family barbecue.

You've got a lot on at the moment, give yourself a break. In your shoes I wouldn't go either.

Meh, it's a casual invite if he only texted yesterday. Being busy is a perfectly good excuse. Just enjoy the day you had planned already.

And the pp who suggests that FIL will change if challenged.....

When you say your FIL gets 'touchy feely' what do you mean exactly?

No you shouldn't go. I hate it when a partner or anyone says they won't go either as they don't want to go without you, but in your husbands case it doesn't sound like he's guilt tripping and seems like he's not bothered about going himself.

I have this with inlaws.. e.g. Went out for a meal on holiday that everyone had been looking forward to all day, toddler was having meltdowns just as we sat down (it was late) and I said "we'll head back but you guys enjoy yourselves! " and everyone proceeds to follow me despite my protests! Just stay and eat the food you were all excited about you crazy people! I want to be able to not go somewhere without affecting anybody else. Then it becomes a 'thing'.

A lot of people don't understand anxiety and how terrible it really can be, don't put yourself through going if you don't want to, your husband should understand and either take your daughter with him and manage or leave her with you. Just explain to him I'm sure he will understand.

If your FIL is a creep please don't let him a round your DD unsupervised. I'd go just to keep an eye on him.