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Original poster

Mother not pulling her weight

27 replies

Tomandjerry123 · 17/06/2017 22:07

My son is allowed to see his birth mother for 6 hours every other weekend, sometimes she picks him up and sometimes she doesn't. ( 90% of the time she doesn't) Today he was meant to see her and we arranged for her to collect him at 10am and promised she would turn up, This morning we got up and ready and he was stood at the door with his shoes on ready to go but come 10am no sign, I phoned her and sent her texts but no response .. come 1pm still no contact so i took it upon myself to take him to her instead ... I was fuming because I knew little man was looking forward to seeing her and after a few very old bangs on the door she answered and told me that she had just woke up! She took him in and said she will get ready for the day and then take him out ( due to timing he needed to be back to me by 4pm ) I then collected him at 4pm to find him sat on the iPad and she was still in her dressing gown! I asked what was going on as she said she would take him out and she told me she couldn't because she was feeling rough from going out last night.

I feel hurt, betrayed, Angry and just fed up for my son.

Luckily Little man hasn't seemed bothered as he is still very young and I limit screen time at home but I feel like he is missing out on so much.

I have spoken to her about it many times and she says that I am moaning about everything because she " sometimes" ( hardly ever) pays her money towards him and that I am just trying to find faults to stop her seeing him altogether. ( the money she is meant to give me every week isn't even enough to buy a weekly supply of nappies) and I KNOW she earns money on the side so the courts don't even get to see it.

What can I do or should I do from here? I don't want him to miss out on his time with his mum but at times it feels like she isn't even trying and has better things to be doing.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/06/2017 22:14

Stop trying to take responsibility for this irresponsible, selfish prick.

I'm sorry but the last thing I would have done would have been to have taken your child to see a parent, who obviously doesn't want to see them.

The next time she doesn't turn up and doesn't answer texts/calls, take your child out to the park or somewhere.

Also, I wouldn't even tell him to expect her...that way he can't be disappointed.

StealthPolarBear · 17/06/2017 22:17

She's not a positive influence on him.
I suspect if you let it tail off she wouldn't notice and he'd be happier.

Justanothernameonthepage · 17/06/2017 22:17

I'm so sorry that this is happening like this
A close friend has a very similar situation. She now doesn't tell her DD if contact is planned and if he hasn't turned up after 30 mins, they go out.
Her ex occasionally threatens court but has never gone through with it. She helps her DD draw pictures every week for her ex in an effort to help her daughter feel connected (her DD is 5).
Do you go through CMS for the money?

Justanothernameonthepage · 17/06/2017 22:21

Oh and what is the relationship like with you ex's family? It may be that establishing a relationship with your ex's parents is more beneficial for your DC (only if you can trust them)

Familyof3or4 · 17/06/2017 22:22

Poor you and him. Don't drop him round t her in the future

MrsDustyBusty · 17/06/2017 22:23

Oh, don't go to any effort for her. She's not able to love her child the way a child needs. Let her give as much as she can for his sake, but don't let his hopes get raised - she's not a capable parent and it doesn't sound like she has the will or ability to become one.

Lottie991 · 17/06/2017 22:23

Honestly I think its bad for kids to have a parent in their lives who doesn't really care. My son had this problem at a young age, I let contact fizzle out and my son was so much happier.
Unfortunately some parents just don't care. Leave her to it.

Booboobooboo84 · 17/06/2017 22:25

As someone who has a shite mother there are some things your doing wrong

-stop telling him there is a plan stops the disappointment
-stop making the plans if she wants to see him she can sort it
-stop thinking this is up to you it isn't. It's her choice

I had a great dad and a mother like this and I made the decision to stop bothering with my mother at 7 and it was the best decision. In my mid 30s now and she's tried to get in touch a few times but she's a stranger

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2017 22:27

I know you meant well and I mean this gently, but you shouldn't have taken him round. In future don't tell him when she is due, and if she doesn't turn up, just leave it. 😔

user1495025590 · 17/06/2017 22:27

He probably enjoyed just hanging out with her and playing on the IPad

barrygetamoveonplease · 17/06/2017 22:28

Are you keeping up the routine of getting him ready for a mother who rarely turns up so that he learns his birth mother doesn't love him? He already knows.
Start making weekends about something different.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/06/2017 22:45

Just let it taper off until she is no longer a part of his life. And I speak as an adopted child. YOU are his mother now.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 17/06/2017 22:54

Stop enabling this shit. She has shown that she doesn't really care. Your son will end up damaged as he will realise this as he gets older. My 'mother' didn't give a shit about me, it's a very hard thing to grow up knowing. I honestly don't know why you are trying to hard to facilitate this contact.

Jaxhog · 17/06/2017 23:01

Please keep going. She doesn't deserve it, but your little boy does. It isn't about you and her, but him.

Booboobooboo84 · 17/06/2017 23:38

What utter nonsense jaxhog the wee boy gains nothing from seeing her at all. He can sit on a tablet at home he doesn't need to go to some uncaring hung over cows house to do it. If we can accept that children can grow up fine without a father figure then it's time to accept they can do without a mother figure too

RoseTico · 17/06/2017 23:44

Please keep going. She doesn't deserve it, but your little boy does. It isn't about you and her, but him.

Yes it is about him. And he deserves consistency, positive role models, adults in his life who give a shit about him. It's not a plus to keep a deadbeat in your life or your child's life.

Adviceplease360 · 17/06/2017 23:54

Stop taking him, stop planning your weekend around her and stop having any expectations. Your son deserves positive role models who are consistent not a feckless daft cow

mineallmine · 17/06/2017 23:59

Why do you call her your child's birth mother? That sounds like a child who also has an adoptive mother. Does he have another mother that you need to distinguish from? And how old is he? Does he really need to know that his mother letting him down? Couldn't you protect him from her by not getting him 'ready'? And definitely don't bring him over there, that makes no sense. Don't set him up to be disappointed.

CrazedZombie · 18/06/2017 00:09

Don't tell your son she's coming next time. Better that he doesn't know that he's been stood up.

Also best that you don't take him round. What if she'd said no to looking after him? He would've seen and heard all this first hand. 😢

SuperLoveFuzz · 18/06/2017 00:20

Are you his adoptive mother or his dad? The reference to birth mother but also the expectation of maintenance is confusing.

2rebecca · 18/06/2017 00:22

Agree that having him standing at the door with his shoes on ready for a mother who you know has a 90% chance of nut turning up sounds cruel and as though you want him to feel upset and let down.
Stop telling him she may come. Putting shoes on takes 5 minutes. Do other ordinary stuff. if his mum comes she comes and "oh your mum has come let's get your shoes and coat" if she doesn't then don't tell him she was ever likely to come and do other stuff.
If you are his parent start parenting in a caring way not a competitive way.

Bananasinpyjamas4 · 18/06/2017 00:29

I agree with other posters. In a way you are 'enabling' - sorry about overusing the word - the mother's poor behaviour.

Let her fail and don't try and plug the gaps for her. The sooner their relationship is real, whatever that may mean, the sooner your son can start to adjust, accept and come to terms with his 'real' relationship with his mother. If she doesn't care that much then your son needs your stability even more. A weekly visit is quite a lot when that parent doesn't care.

Put all your energies into you and your son, as you are doing. He is lucky to have you.

Buildmeupbuttercup89 · 18/06/2017 00:42

You left your ds there while she'd just woke up in the afternoon Confused

barrygetamoveonplease · 18/06/2017 12:27

Please keep going. She doesn't deserve it, but your little boy does. It isn't about you and her, but him

It is about him. Not about the birth mother who doesn't give one, or the adoptive mother who is so hot to prove she's a 'good' mum and the other one isn't that she'd hurt her little boy every week for the sake of it. She's not quite into the mum thing yet, but hopefully she'll get there.

Don't have him hurt. Do whatever it takes to make him feel safe, loved, wanted and happy.

JustHappy3 · 18/06/2017 12:37

Is this a reverse. Are you actually the mum and you're describing the dad. Trying to see if we react differently if the genders are changed?

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