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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want friends, apart from dh

44 replies

limonade2 · 17/06/2017 07:44

I always used to have quite a lot of friends but over the years I don't know they've sort of eroded. I still have one good friend from school but that's it.

I have DH of course and he seems to think it odd that I want female company so much but I do. AIBU?

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 17/06/2017 07:45

Of course you're not BU. Why do you think you've lost the friends you had?

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 17/06/2017 07:49

YANBU. Why does he think it odd?

Intransige · 17/06/2017 07:49

It's not up to him.

It presumably hasn't escaped his notice that women having close female friends (and men having close male friends) isn't unusual, so why would he deliberately misunderstand your need for this?

Unless he is one of those "I don't need it so why would anyone else" people, in which case he's being a bit of a twat, since obviously the world isn't clones of him.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 17/06/2017 07:49

Yadnbu - why does he think it's weird? Does he have many friends of his own? I have a fair few, my dh has a lot less and none locally. I keep encouraging him to go out more with some of the husband's of my friends but he can't be bothered, I guess he doesn't feel the same need to vent that I do!
But yes definitely make new friends, do you have dc? Can be a way to make friends or start a hobby or evening class?

OliveSoap · 17/06/2017 07:50

Your DH sounds very odd. Doesn't he have any friends? And yes, why have your other friendships not lasted? Is your DH one of those people who thinks that women only need friends when they're single so they can go out socialising and meet men, therefore when a woman settles down with a partner, she sacrifices her friendships on the altar of domestic life and spends the rest of her life watching box sets with her Dah, until she's allowed 'mummy friends'? Hmm

Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 07:50

I moved a lot. I am now 35, so when I was at school/university social media wasn't a thing so I lost touch with a lot of those people.

Then when I first started work I made friends and I actually maintained that friendship for years but things started changing recently - as in the last 2 years or so?

Then when I got another job it was very sociable but then I got pregnant and things changed AGAIN!

Then I was a Sahm for ages and find that very isolating.

OP posts:
Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 07:52

DH has one very good friend from school - they are both now in their 40s; well into in the friends case.

He has a handful of friendly acquaintances but no close bosom buddies apart from aforementioned friend.

OP posts:
disastrouslee · 17/06/2017 07:55

Then only men I ever who think like your DH were:

  1. Abusive and controlling (about95% of the total number)
  1. Quite seriously depressed. My DH basically lost contact with all his friends when he became ill, his entire world became very small. We're now separated because of the many issues living with a depressed person brings.

Which one is your DH?

Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 08:00

Well, I don't think he's depressed. He is controlling which is one reason me female friendships mattered so much to me because it was kind of my route out of the life he had for me.

OP posts:
MyOtherNameIsTaken · 17/06/2017 08:05

Don't use the past tense of matter - it does matter and always will. It's your life, not his and you need female friends.

Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 08:11

I do but I sometimes wonder if friendships eroding is just something that happens naturally with age and people are expected to 'hang out' in couples more.

OP posts:
Ohb0llocks · 17/06/2017 08:16

Where abouts are you OP?

disastrouslee · 17/06/2017 08:26

It's not. I had / have mire friends now I'm married/separated than before. A friend of mine is in a similar relationship. They've been together well over 10 years now and the only totally wrong reason she's still with him is the kids. I would really hate to be her.

Do you have children?

disastrouslee · 17/06/2017 08:26

A similar relationship to the OP I meant.

Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 08:34

We have three children, yes. It can get quite isolating in a funny way.

OP posts:
disastrouslee · 17/06/2017 08:39

It's not odd to feel isolated in your position.

I don't know about your own position, but my friend's DP isn't a bad guy, but his controlling traits and his anger make his behaviour towards my friend unacceptable IMO. I would never encourage her to leave him but when I get the chance I do try ro make her see how wrong his behaviour is. I am hopeful that eventually she will find the courage to go.

Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 08:56

Thanks. Sometimes it gets me down other times I just think it's how it is.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/06/2017 09:49

Controlling behaviour isn't acceptable OP

I have a lovely boyfriend but I also have a close group of female friends. It's not healthy to have all your emotional needs with one person.

Is he controlling in other ways too?

mygorgeousmilo · 17/06/2017 10:08

If your DH is controlling, I would assume that's the reason you don't have many friends.

pinkyredrose · 17/06/2017 10:11

In what ways is he controlling?

Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 10:15

Maybe sometimes milo but it's more to do with moving as well. But one thing he does say and he's right is that people prioritise their own families so he puts me first and my friend puts her husband and baby first.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 17/06/2017 11:08

Putting someone first doesn't mean getting rid of everyone else!

TiredMumToTwo · 17/06/2017 11:15

Friendships eroding as you get older is a thing - I have significantly less friends now at the age of 38 than I had 15 years ago but the friends I do have are very special to me & we make the effort to preserve that friendship. I have a group of friends who've know each other since they were 4!

Original poster
limonade2 · 17/06/2017 12:34

No but it does mean if you're on your own it's hard

OP posts:
Parker231 · 17/06/2017 13:00

What hobbies do you have? Do you not have friends there that you meet up with for coffee, pub etc. I've a lot of friends from the gym and we often have a non gym night out for cocktails or a pizza.