to ask if I'm being cruel to my children?

[Busybecca]

We have two daughters, aged 4 and 3. DH and I have fallen out tonight after he told me he thought I was cruel to the girls. DH and I differ in that I want to encourage the girls to be independent and he likes to baby them.

He works four days per week 9-5 so he isn't trying to make up for his absence or anything, but it's becoming unbearable when the four of us are together and I think our different approaches are totally unfair on and confusing to the children.

DH will hand feed them. Lift them on and off the toilet and wipe their bums. Put their shoes and clothes on and take them off for them. Put their rubbish in the bin for them. He pretty much does what they say, when they say it or else they're crying and whinging.

DD1 today went on the trampoline at the bottom of the garden then called to be lifted down. I called "use the ladder" but DH went running down the garden to lift her down Later he was upstairs and she came inside and called up to him to come and take her shoes off for her and he did! At tea time I called up to DD2 that tea was ready and she called DH to carry her downstairs, which he did. I asked her to wash her hands and she called him to turn the tap on for her, then to get the soap out for her, then to pass her the towel.

When it's just me and the girls they are fully capable of doing all of the above for themselves and they are happy to do so. When he is here they're whiny, bossy and demanding and I don't enjoy family time at all because of that. They don't listen to DH if he asks them to do anything, they just order him around.

Tonight DD1 said she needed a tissue. She was standing outside the bathroom door, I was washing up and DH was upstairs. I replied 'there's tissue in the bathroom.' She started calling to DH to get her a tissue and Lo and behold he came running downstairs to do so. Then he went in the shower and she sneezed again and was calling at him to fetch her a tissue. I told her she was more than capable of getting it herself and that he couldn't hear her because he was in the shower. She started screaming and crying for him to do it now and after a couple of minutes he got out of the shower to see what the matter was - hence me being called cruel for not getting her a tissue.

It's getting to the stage where they're a total pain in the arse on his first day back to work and I have to 'reset' them to realise they're capable of everything above. The following day they're back to normal and much happier but still DH will go back to being at their beck and call in the evening which just leads to tantrum after tantrum.

AIBU to think we can't go on like this or am I indeed cruel?

[Rhubarbginisnotasin]

Nosquirells, thats the best post on this thread.

[cunningstunnt]

I'm not sure if this helps or not or if I'm just complicating things for you.

I didn't have a relationship with my dad til I was 27. He has a lot of faults, including shopping in marks and Spencer whilst borrowing money from me but that's by the by doing the macho thing of paying for everything.

I met my step sister for the first time. She was 19 and I couldn't believe how he pandered to her! She asked for coffee, he'd get it, she asked for snacks, he'd get up and get it.

At one point he 'told' her to put socks on so she 'told' him to get them for her?? I couldn't believe it when he ran upstairs to get her socks and when he returned she put her feet out for him to put them on??

I think the look on my face stopped im tbh. The problem is she can't do anything for herself and when she goes to uni who the hell is she gonna have do her bidding?

[user1493216442]

Your kids are playing DH like s fiddle.

[Busybecca]

Thanks, No squirrels. I do actually do the situation specific thing and help them when I can, just generally I don't want them to wait around for me to do everything for them when they can see or I've told them I'm busy if it's something they can do themselves. I particularly don't want them to think the rudeness and tantrums will get me to do things but I'm always happy to help if they ask me politely and I wouldn't be against DH doing so if they asked him politely, but they never ever do.

[lifetothefull]

I think it's normal for parents to be slightly different in approach and kids can cope with that. Your kids have clearly learnt that there are different rules for mum and dad, which is actually ok for most kids. He is making a rod for his own back however imo. You could suggest he chooses some more obvious ones first rather than stopping doing anything for them. Eg - don't pass them things that are right there, but if they want a carry upstairs off dad, why not?

[mathanxiety]

You have managed to teach them to talk politely to you so it should be straightforward to teach them that the same goes for everyone else too..

[NoSquirrels]

So the issue is really between you and DH, and how you communicate then? You need to find out why he thinks you are "cruel", and you need to address why you think he's pandering and a bit spineless. Neither of this positions will allow you to compromise with the other person, they show a bit of contempt, tbh, which is hard to recover from.

You both sound pushed into opposite corners that you're defending to the death. Nothing at all wrong with anything you've said - I am on your side with all of it, the DDs should treat everyone with respect and be polite, tantrums shouldn't be rewarded, DC can be a bit more independent etc. But I'm also on the side of the other parent doing things differently if that suits them better and doesn't create an ongoing problem.

So as math says, the respect and not allowing them to dictate is the key issue. If you focus your discussions with DH on that - that you want them to treat him and everyone they meet with respect and a polite attitude, and how can you both make that happen, rather than approaching it from the "DH when you do this they do that and you are wrong" point of view, you might be able to move forward.

No one, but no one, likes to be told they're doing it wrong. Particularly not parenting. So if you can move the focus off DH's behaviour around the DDs and back onto how you've noticed the DDs aren't as polite to him as they should be, then perhaps that will help?

I sympathise, I truly do - but you have to find a way to talk it through that brings you closer to each other's position as neither of you are going to confirm completely to the other's way of doing things.

[mathanxiety]

I absolutely agree there is contempt in this relationship, and also that contempt once present is a hard one to put back in its box.