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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question this?

29 replies

Boring12 · 16/06/2017 18:06

My partner has two sons from a previous marriage, I was just having a nosey at the CSA maintenance calculator and found that he is paying nearly double the expected amount.
Now I feel awful writing this as they are lovely kids, I feel like I'm going to get flamed for saying this. I completely support him supporting his children. But we have no savings, no back up, honestly don't think we will manage Christmas this year. We are always waiting for the next payday. Would I be unreasonable to see if it could be lowered?
For background info, we have been together for 7 years and have 1 dc ourselves. EXW dosent work and go on 2 holidays a year (we can't afford 1) partner works full time plus over time and I'm part time as my wage dosent cover childcare for our dc. Like I said I feel awful because this money goes to his children and I know that is so so important I really do, but I do worry if the car breaks down or something we will be screwed.
Am I awful?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/06/2017 18:09

Get yourself off to college/uni or on to some kind of course, to improve your earnings.

startwig1982 · 16/06/2017 18:09

You're not awful but maybe he chooses to pay that much as they're his kids?

Original poster
Boring12 · 16/06/2017 18:13

Yeah I understand, money just really gets me down. I'm really happy in my job, all my friends are there and I just love doing it. Not prepared to give that up. I haven't mentioned anything to my partner, I might just leave it. I just worry.

OP posts:
Chunkymonkey123 · 16/06/2017 19:26

I just used the calculator to work out how much I would be entitled to if I was in your EXWs situation and it is shockingly low! Children cost a huge amount of money to house, feed etc and your DP should pay half of this. How many holidays they go on is irrelevant (do they take the children?) unless you think someone else should be paying for his children to exist?

harderandharder2breathe · 16/06/2017 19:26

The CSA calculates the bare minimum, not what it actually costs to raise children. It's also nothing to do with what the ex earns but what your partner earns, with any DC he has with you taken into account.

YWBU to suggest lowering the amount unless there's a major change in circumstances like redundancy.

LedaP · 16/06/2017 20:10

So you arent willing to try and bring more money in but think he should be willing to suppirt his kids less?

Why were you having a nosey on the csa calculator?

Sunshinegirls · 16/06/2017 20:18

While I agree that he absolutely must support his other children, if he is giving them more than you can afford to live I think it's needs looked at, according to your post, it seem that they are having a better quality of life than his DC with you. This doesn't seem fair. You already work while the ex doesn't. I don't think that you need to earn more so that you can have the same quality of life than you are providing for the ex.
I don't think you are being unreasonable for feeling that it isn't fair but without knowing all the ins and outs it's hard to say really.

Birdsgottaf1y · 16/06/2017 20:19

These conversations and the maths should have been done before you had your child, tbh.

You need to discuss finances with your DP and go over your fears.

Things will change, your child will go to school etc.

It could work out more costly to drop the maintenance, but give money, or buy clothes for the other children, when they hit their teens.

If this issue ended your relationship how would you feel getting the minimum CSA?

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/06/2017 20:36

Does he pay through the CSA though or is it an amount he pays that was agreed and put into a consent order?

If so, then the only way to reduce it is to apply for a variation to the court order which I assume he doesn't want to because he is a nice bloke and accepts responsibility for his kids - a trait you should admire in him!

Original poster
Boring12 · 16/06/2017 21:35

I know you are all speaking sense, Sunshinegirls thank you for understanding how I feel. Thinking about it today I just thought it wasn't fair how she is doing so well and not working while I'm here missing out on essentials. The boys are teens. Some other things are getting me down and I just got carried away with my thoughts. I'm not going to act on what I posted. I care for the kids a lot and I pay for things they need too. I think things are just getting on top of me, I didn't think it through. Like I said I worry if there is a emergency. It's just a agreed amount of money between my partner and ex, nothing to do with the CSA/order

OP posts:
Original poster
Boring12 · 16/06/2017 21:40

While my job isn't well paid I worked hard for it and I'm very passionate about it. I don't think I should have to give that up. And it's about all I'm qualified to do at the moment. There are opportunities to move up but it takes a long time and completely changes my role.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 16/06/2017 21:46

I admire him for paying more than the minimum amount. Forget about her holidays or how well you think she is doing.

JuicyStrawberry · 16/06/2017 21:54

OP what essentials are you going without? Heating, food in the cupboards, electricity, toiletries? Does your child have everything he/she needs?

Heratnumber7 · 16/06/2017 21:55

You made a decision that you could afford your dc based on your joint available income.
That income hasn't changed so you finding out sneakily that DO gives more to his ex than you thought doesn't change the fact that you have already calculated that you have enough money.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/06/2017 21:59

Teens cost a fucking fortune.

That said, I'd advise you to have a discussion with your partner about your financial concerns vis a vis what would happen in an emergency i.e. car needing repair etc. Not as a 'I think you are paying too much for your dc' sort of way.

Finances need to be discussed openly within a healthy relationship.

LedaP · 16/06/2017 22:01

Op i am not saying you have to change your job.

But you cant moan about how tight money is then refuse to change anything or even look at it. Changes need to made. But starting with the financial support he gives his kids is not the right thing to do.

Original poster
Boring12 · 16/06/2017 22:09

Yes I need to talk to my parter more, I don't know why I struggle with that. My child has everything she needs, i make sure of that just have to borrow money every now and again. It's just small things like at the minute I don't have a bra that fits me. It's really embarrassing and uncomfortable. I have no summer clothes so I'm wearing my partners tshirts. I have just ran out of shampoo. It's things I can live without, I'm not trying to say poor me, I'm in such a bad situation. I know there are many people worse off, I respect that I have things that many don't. It's just a lot of small things that add up, i try to avoid borrowing money as much as possible because I've been in that trap before

OP posts:
Original poster
Boring12 · 16/06/2017 22:12

I'm a bit of a mess right now Sad I know I was daft before. I'm upping my hours as much as I can soon so it will be a bit better. Things are really getting on top of me and I haven't spoken to anyone. I just feel really shit

OP posts:
DoJo · 16/06/2017 22:12

I'm really happy in my job, all my friends are there and I just love doing it. Not prepared to give that up.

If that is more of a priority than supporting his children (and yours, potentially, by the sound of things), then that's your choice and you would be hugely unreasonable to expect them to make sacrifices that you are not prepared to.

Either you have enough to live on and your current situation is tenable, or you don't and the adults involved need to find a solution - reducing the money spent on children who have no power in this situation should be a last resort, not a first step towards creating a safety buffer.

Original poster
Boring12 · 16/06/2017 22:13

I'm sorry. I will leave it at that now. Thanks everyone, I mean that you all made me see sense

OP posts:
DoJo · 16/06/2017 22:16

Sorry - I cross posted with you and I hope that my words don't seem overly harsh. It sounds like you are struggling, so speaking to your husband should be the first port of call, but make it about how you can manage your household finances more effectively, don't suggest reducing support for his children as that is likely to lead to a more combative conversation than you want - you need to be pulling together, not battling over the things that are, realistically, non-negotiable.

SanFranBear · 16/06/2017 22:19

OP - some Flowers for you. You obviously can see its not a great idea but it does sound like you're struggling. Without reducing the payments, perhaps you need to have a frank chat with your DP to see if there is anything else you can do to get more on top of things.

Sunshinegirls · 16/06/2017 22:24

I think boring is gettin a hard time here. The other kids mum is not working, and the boys are teens so I don't see why she can't unless they have health issues which means she can't work.
Other mum is getting two holidays a year, boring can't afford shampoo. I think OP is not being unreasonable to question the financial arrangement.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/06/2017 22:27

I think you need a full and frank discussion about finances if you can't even afford shampoo. Do you live together? Its just that he must surely see it too. How old are the teens? If older teens will the maintenance be stopping soon?

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/06/2017 22:44

You shouldn't be without shampoo and a bra. No one should really be well and able and not working while taking two holidays a year and not having caring responsibility, unless there is plenty if money to go around. and I don't think well and able teenagers count. You have to sort this out somehow.

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