Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


WIBU to say no to STBXHs request?

33 replies

TheVirgin · 16/06/2017 14:53

STBXH and I separated about 2 months ago. He has since changed jobs and moved a 3 hour drive away so he sees the kids EOW and we plan to split their holidays 50/50. He emailed me today to say that it is normal that we share the responsibility of the driving and that he expects that we should either take it in turns or meet at a halfway point somewhere. WIBU to say no? I don't see how this is fair to me. I'd like to spend my Friday night doing something other than driving or just laze around on a Sunday sometimes. I would probably offer to do some of the driving if he lived closer and he had them during the week sometimes but it doesn't seem fair to me. I think he expects the same deal we had when we were married because I was the SAHM and he worked abroad mostly so he assumes I have nothing else to do but revolve my life around the children. I expect to start working in the coming months as well so it doesn't sit right with me. Kids are 5 and 8 if that matters. AIBU? I haven't responded to his email yet.

OP posts:

AvoidingCallenetics · 16/06/2017 14:56

He is being a cheeky fucker. Of course you should say no - he moved, so his problem. Not your circus as they say.
The plus side of getting divorced is not havnig to put up with the same shit you dealt with when married!


ParmaViolets17 · 16/06/2017 14:56

"Ha - that's funny, exH! You chose to move away, your responsibility to work out how you're going to see the kids."



ImperialBlether · 16/06/2017 14:57

There's a problem, though, in how they'd get to his house. He's unreasonable, but would you want him driving your children in hours 4-6 of a six hour drive?


ImperialBlether · 16/06/2017 14:59

And you will be looking after the children for 12 days per fortnight and he wants you to drive them to him?!


LaurieFairyCake · 16/06/2017 14:59

"Unfortunately that doesn't work for me" and then not discuss it further. Do not give him a reason, you don't have to justify yourself


MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 16/06/2017 15:00

Surely if you make the decision to move 3 hours away from your kids you've accepted that a lot of travelling comes with that decision?

I'd accept that some occasional helping out with the drive/distance in a crisis or as an occasional favour might come up, but putting yourself out with two 3 hour drives every other weekend to save him time and trouble is something a partner does. That kind of expectation isn't realistic now you're an ex.

I'm afraid he'd get a gentle 'jog on mate' from me. It's not your job to facilitate him any more.


AvoidingCallenetics · 16/06/2017 15:02

I suspect he will give up seeing them soon enough.
Imho decent dads don't choose to move 3 hours away from their kids unless they absolutely have no choice.
The kids aren't going to want to do a 3 hour trip each way either.
He will have to break up the journey for them.
Don't make this your problem - start as you mean to go on or you'll be running after him forever.
Can't believe he moved and didn't even talk about logistics with you first!


FizzyGreenWater · 16/06/2017 15:07

'No, of course not, and it isn't normal that the responsibility and the cost of travel would be met by anyone other than the person who chose to move. I am surprised that you did not factor this aspect in when you chose to move so far away from the childrens' home town?'


mmgirish · 16/06/2017 15:10

Based on what you've said, this is very unreasonable of him to ask that. Why did he move 3 hours away? Is there a back story we don't know about the move?


rollonthesummer · 16/06/2017 15:11

Why did he move 3 hours away?


giantpurplepeopleeater · 16/06/2017 15:19

FizzyGreenWater's response is spot on!

This is something he should have thought about when he moved. And if he expected you to pick up half of the driving duties, he should have discussed it and agreed it with you before he moved!

He doesn't get to make his own decisions and then expect you to deal with the consequences of them!!

Also, I think Avoiding is right, I don't think it will be long before he gives up seeing them.


Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 16/06/2017 15:20

I moved 45 mins away and ex has been twice. .
Once when I said ds was grounded for being on detention and he insisted he was allowing him to go to a party. I refused to take him so ex picked him up.
And once because he wanted to spy on my new house!!
Ask him if he is putting the fuel money into your bank before the journey?
Bet he won't ask again.


JustWingingItAgain · 16/06/2017 15:22

The court said that bc I moved, I had to do most of the driving to the ex. ...

I'm sure they'd say HE needs to do most of the driving bc HE moved!


Mummyoflittledragon · 16/06/2017 15:23

If you were ever to meet halfway, my understanding from other threads is that he would have to pay for your costs. And no, I wouldn't do it.


peeriebear · 16/06/2017 15:25

My XDH moved almost 2hrs away. He has never once suggested I take the DCs to him. If he did I would laugh. But he wouldn't ask because he is not a dickhead.


Syc4moreTrees · 16/06/2017 15:26

What imperialblether said, maybe you can meet halfway? EXH is annoying but the kids are what matter


expatinscotland · 16/06/2017 15:28

YANBU. Fizzy's reply is perfect.


FastAbsorbingCake · 16/06/2017 15:31

What @FizzyGreenWater said was perfect


NC4now · 16/06/2017 15:50

My ex moved to a different city. Fair enough, his choice. But he still does all the pick ups and drop offs as that's what comes with his choice.


WateryTart · 16/06/2017 15:54

He moved, he does the driving. Full stop.


TheVirgin · 16/06/2017 15:55

Thanks for your replies. This was the only place he was offered a job (so he claims). His line of work involves a lot of travel and always has. He was unemployed for a few months before he got this job but before this he hasn't had a UK based job in years. It is in a very well paid industry too. I understand him wanting to see the kids and missing them but we are surviving on benefits for the time being and probably for the immediate future. He also didn't ask and never discussed it with me beforehand. It's the expectation that I would do it that got my back up but didn't want to respond yet in case my judgment was being clouded by my feelings.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 16/06/2017 15:59

He clearly has the money to pay to stay near the DC for the weekend if he doesn't want to do the driving. I'd be very clear that you have neither the free time nor the finances to contribute and the expectation as the parent who moved away is for him to sort his contact out with the DC and your responsibility is only to make them available at the agreed times.


RedastheRose · 16/06/2017 16:01

UANBU regardless of whether this was the only job he could get or not he's in a well paid industry and you're surviving on benefits ATM. He collects and returns, its only one eow so he can manage. Simply say that doesn't work for me and leave it at that, it's up to him to organise himself now no longer your job to make his life easier.


MsVestibule · 16/06/2017 16:06

Are there likely to be issues with him paying maintenance if you refuse? Is he the type to say 'well, I just won't see them then'.

He is definitely BU. Does he have any family close by that he could stay with? It doesn't seem fair on the DCs that they should spend six hours in a car EOW, regardless of who is driving.


AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2017 16:15

So it sounds as if he isn't paying maintenance? Bugger him then.

I do think you need to consider whether or not he'll be arsey enough to try to take you to court. There was a recent poster who was court ordered to drive the DCs even though it was the ex who moved. I have a feeling (although she didn't say) that she had no legal representation.

I think he's bang out of order, but I think it's a good idea to consider all the possibilities before issuing a blanket 'fuck you' (put in nicer terms, of course).

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?