To not want my 'friend's' Dd in class with mine?

[smartyclogs]

My Dd is 14 years old and due to start a new senior school in September. We're in Europe and this is her last year of middle school.
The new school has a policy of putting friends together in the same class but only if both sets of parents have requested it.

I'm kind of friendly with a mom whose Dd went to the same junior school as my Dd, they then went on to different middle schools.
They saw each other sparodically, once every three or four months, over the last three years but that was because I was meeting the mom, so the girls got together, never of their own accord.

So, they'll both be going to this new senior school and my 'friend' has asked me to put her Dds name on the enrollment form so the girls can be put in the same class. There is a special section on the form dedicated to this.

I don't really want to do this as the other girl can be a stroppy little madam, quite rude, not particularly friendly. She has the tendency to be quite moody and possessive. My Dd would prefer not to be in the same class to avoid any agro and be able to make new friends.

The school has explained that if the classes are formed and 'friends' are not together, to not worry, it will be a mistake, and they'll look again at the friend request on the enrollment forms and make the necerssary changes.
I was hoping that by not putting the other girls name on my form to avoid having them in class together, but this won't work as the school will clearly see that I didn't make the same request.

AIBU to not want to do this?
How can I get out of it?

Help.

I would just not do it and just ring school and say you would prefer them not together if possible

If your dd doesn't want to be in the class with her then you can't request it just to save face with the other mum. Try to explain to the mum with a positive spin, you don't have to spell out that neither you nor dd like her. Say something like you both think it would be a good chance to have a new start, blank slate etc.

This seems a very odd policy. Surely your situation must have happened before? I'd speak to the school about it. But ultimately you need to put your dds wishes first. You can spin it as wanting her to develop social skills and make new friends.

Tell her that your DD said she's happy to be randomly allocated her class and classmates - there's no reflection on her or daughter. Of course, sod's law dictates that even if you manage to extricate yourself from this situation the girls will be allocated the same class!

I'd rather DD was put in the position of having to make new friends, the girls will then have each other as friends to fall back on outside of the classroom.

Either
Tell the woman that you have caught her DD not being very kind to your DD so you don't really consider them friends.
Tell the woman that her DD and your DD don't get on when together for extended periods of time, and you'd prefer the teachers not have to deal with that.
Take Optimist's approach or say your DD would prefer to be in a class of children she doesn't know to have the opportunity to extend her friend group.

Write on your form that your DD is not to be assigned to a class with this girl and go into the school now to explain why before the class assignments are done.

I'd just tell your friend that you spoke to DD about it, and as much as she'd be happy to play with her DD during breaks (without sounding too sarcastic ), your DD would like to make some new friendships. Therefore starting the class alone, is what she wants, and it could happen by chance that they end up together anyhow! Plus it gives her DD a chance to make new friendships also. Be positive about it, and she will find it hard to be negative about it.

Definitely make it clear to the school that you actively don't want the girls to be together, otherwise they might look at the other friends form, and go with that, thinking you had forgotten to write it.

I can't imagine the other girl is happy with it either (or hasn't been consulted). I'd explain to the school and then if the school approached either girl, they will deny all knowledge of wanting to be in the same class.

Are there no other children going to this school from either of the 2 middle school?

If so, can you say that you've already submitted the form with your DDs choice of friend from her own middle school and presumed that she would be doing the same on her DD's form and then say "Aww shame..."

Thanks everyone.
It always seems so easy when it's other people's problems. I didn't think of myself as a wimp but I really feel awkward about this situation.
I just feel like the school shouldn't create this option. We're talking about teenagers FGS not junior school kids.
I believe it's beneficial for them to make new friends.

I am definately going to tell the school that I don't agree with this policy, as far as I'm concerned it creates more hassle than necerssary.

I agree!

Just don't mention either daughter if she asks why she's refused. Just say you find the policy ridiculous as the opinions & preferences of 14 year olds should not be pandered to. Lay the blame squarely with the policy. Mentioning either what your daughter thinks or what you think of her daughter: that way madness lies. Let her think you're a bit weird and tyrannical if needs be. I would have hated this at 14

Definitely don't say your daughter has already picked her own friends! Just shut down the discussion. Say something like "the Spartans had the right idea: kids should fend for themselves"

Yes, spin it the other way. Do it enthusiastically and the other mum will leave it alone even if she doesn't agree.

'Oh no I would rather not do that - I knew someone who had awful problems as the school tended to see the request pairs as best friends and everyone suffered - they really weren't given any opportunities to make new friends, when of course they already had the older friends anyway! I'd MUCH rather request they start off separately to be honest - that way both of them will be forced to make new friends and get more confidence - then they have each other but hopefully will also be better integrated into the bigger group.'

Mum might even agree with you.

If she puts down the request and you put down nothing its likely they will end up in the same class.

If you prefer them to be separated you need to communicate your preference to the school and ask them to be discrete if possible.

Waxonfeckoff- There are plenty going from the other girls school and a handful of boys from mine. Problem is the the other girl isn't friends with any of them, that's why she's so happy that my Dd is going.
My Dd's middle school was private and most of her friends are staying on in private senior schools.
If it were financially viable she'd be staying on too, but it's not.
She'll be going to a massive senior school.

Im not going to put the other girls name on the form, tell the school about my concerns, then when the classes come out and they're not together just say, 'oh well, never mind, they can see each other during break time, or whilst travelling to and from school, can't they?' Then put a positive spin on how it'll be ok.

What a pain in the arse anyway!
Really didn't think I'd be dealing with this for a senior school!!

Will take the fizzy line if/when needed.

Just don't do it

"oh, I thought it would be nice for DD to have a bit of a fresh start"

Our local secondary does this - you can nominate 3 people to be with. But we have an "avoid" box as well. They don't guarantee to adhere to it though, but mostly seem to. I feel a bit sorry for the few that must be in everyone "avoid" boxes though - hardly a clean slate for them at big school, is it?

You are not under any obligation to do what she wants.

"The school has explained that if the classes are formed and 'friends' are not together, to not worry, it will be a mistake, and they'll look again at the friend request on the enrollment forms and make the necerssary changes."

That sounds ridiculous.

When mine started primary at 6 we were told we could request, but there were no guarantees & no disussions-surely the best way?

I agree that you should be telling the school that you request that your daughter not be put with the other girl-although if you don't request her then she won't be will she?

I'd rather DD was put in the position of having to make new friends, the girls will then have each other as friends to fall back on outside of the classroom.
I'd use this ^^. Word for word.

Could you put on the form that you would prefer not to have them in the same class? Seems like an easy solution. You can put the reasons that have been suggested above.

Today 13:08 RandomMess

I'd rather DD was put in the position of having to make new friends, the girls will then have each other as friends to fall back on outside of the classroom.

Say exactly this - it's perfect

Agree with honesty "DD wants a fresh start and needs to learn to make new friends"

Would suffice.