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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I just suck it up and let her stay?

45 replies

Decaffstilltastesweird · 16/06/2017 11:47

Such a long story, but a close relative of mine, let's call her Amanda, has asked to come and stay for the weekend soon. She has a course she wants to attend for her hobby.

I don't want Amanda to stay. She has been behaving badly for years now; being unpleasant to other family members, flying off in rages, cutting out most of the family other than me and one aunt plus the aunt's dc, blocking their phone numbers etc. I've also heard she tried to physically attack another family member but I wasn't there so it's all very third hand info.

I find her being in my house awkward - it feels awkward and a bit stressful. Amanda has been so unkind at points to other members of my family, that I really would rather avoid her. But I also don't want to fall out with her entirely iyswim?

I've already said that we might not be able to accommodate her as we've been invited to another relative's bday. Amanda was invited too, but has declined saying (lying) she will be abroad. This makes things even more awkward as Amanda has said she can't make the other relative's party and now wants to stay with us. I don't want to hide that Amanda is staying with us from other relatives or make it look as if we are both making excuses for not coming iyswim; we now don't think we can make the other relative's party. We can't find anywhere nearby to stay, (all hotels are fully booked in the area - it's a 3 hour drive each way).

I am also pregnant, which Amanda doesn't know yet. We won't have had our first scan by the time she wants to stay, so we don't want to tell anyone. I'll have to find excuses for randomly gagging and going to bed at 9 each night, which I could do without.

What to do? Let her stay and suck it up, or say it isn't convenient? Advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
skyzumarubble · 16/06/2017 11:50

Tell Amanda you are going to the other rellie's party, she doesn't need to know you can't find somewhere to stay.

Is there no one who can put you up - would save a lot of hassle all around!

Migrant2 · 16/06/2017 11:50

Tell her it's not possible this time. Your house Is not her cheap hotel. She's not coming because she wants to see you, only because you happen to live in a convenient location for her hobby.

ImperialBlether · 16/06/2017 11:50

No. She lives by the sword and dies by the sword. Why would anyone want her to stay? Make your excuses but say she can't come.

brummiesue · 16/06/2017 11:50

Just say no! Tell her you have found a cancellation at a hotel and are attending the other relatives party.

Chloe84 · 16/06/2017 11:51

Definitely don't suck it up. This is not something you should have to suck up.

Just say that it's not convenient for her to stay over, and wish her luck on the course.

Allergictoironing · 16/06/2017 11:53

Just say it isn't convenient, you don't owe her any reason at all.

If you really feel you need to make an excuse, she knows you have been invited to the other relative's birthday, and presumably doesn't know you probably aren't going now, so shouldn't have any problem with it. If she does have a problem with it, then it sounds like you would be better off without her in your life unless she is absolutely loaded and has no other potential heirs

notknownatthisaddress · 16/06/2017 11:54

Say it's inconvenient. If she gets arsey about it and stops talking to you, it doesn't matter does it, coz you don't like her anyway.

StormTreader · 16/06/2017 12:03

Be careful saying you are going to the party - she may start demanding to stay in your "empty" house.

HildaOg · 16/06/2017 12:04

Just say no. The worst she can do is cut you out which given that fact you dislike and seem to fear her can only be a good thing.

BangkokBlues · 16/06/2017 12:05

No you can't stay Amanda, we are going to Rellies party. You said you would be away?! Aren't you coming to the Rellies party too then??!?!

SapphireStrange · 16/06/2017 12:07

Just say it's not convenient. You don't need to tie yourself in knots about the party; don't even mention it.

unfortunateevents · 16/06/2017 12:08

Why would you consider having her stay? What is the worst that can happen if you say no - she flies into a rage and cuts you off?! Well, it sounds like you'll be in good company with the rest of the family!

FizzyGreenWater · 16/06/2017 12:09

'No I'm sorry - we are definitely going to be away that weekend! We're hoping to be at Rellie's party, but there's also a small chance we might have a clash with DH surprise work party/other random event which Amanda won't be able to verify. So although it's looking doifficult for hotels etc for Rellie's party right now, even if we don't end up going we'll be away, sadly. Hope to see you some other time!'

Definitely a no for all the reasons you state. She sounds horrid, which is enough on its own - but could you imagine if she clicked that you were possibly pregnant? Sounds like she'd spread the news out of spite. Definitely make nice excuses.

Mummmy2017 · 16/06/2017 12:10

Just tell her no your sorry it;s not convient, and that is all you keep saying.

If she asks again, just say you spoke to your DH and both agreed it's just not convient.

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2017 12:10

I'd just say no, but make up a good excuse , something like uou have others staying.

You don't say she's ever been unpleasant to uou though? Either way, if you don't want her to stay just say you'd love to but cant this time, due to party then other guests.

thereallochnessmonster · 16/06/2017 12:11

Just say no, it's not convenient. Rinse and repeat.

Mulberry72 · 16/06/2017 12:13

Just say no to her, she sounds vile.

Let her find a hotel.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 16/06/2017 12:17

Oh she has been unpleasant to me, many times, but generally we work things out and become friends again. On one occasion she was pretty unpleasant to DH too which was nearly a deal breaker. He's over it now, but wary I think.

I won't lie about the other party as she will find out; this is one of the relatives she still speaks to.

I think I'll just say it probably won't work that weekend as we are doing work on the house. That is true, as we are doing some work to the house.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/06/2017 12:21

Just tell her no! 'Sorry, we can't accommodate you. We have a lot on that weekend.'

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/06/2017 12:24

Just say no! You don't have to make up an excuse you are already busy with plans after all

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/06/2017 12:26

Say no, she will find someone else to put her up.
She isn't worthy of your hospitality, be kind to yourself OP.
Congratulations ! 🍾💐

NellieFiveBellies · 16/06/2017 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 16/06/2017 12:30

Agree with just saying it isn't convenient. I don't subscribe to the "family members' houses are there to be used as free hotels" view of life. Different if you invite someone to stay or if it's a family member you get on with but it sounds as though you don't like her but unlike other family members have never told her that her behaviour is unacceptable and she treats people poorly.

2rebecca · 16/06/2017 12:31

Nelliefivebellies puts it well. Just tell her that.

dingodon · 16/06/2017 12:32

Suggest you ask yourself why you are giving so much headspace to someone who is frankly a bitch to you and everyone else and then grow a back bone. No excuses no explanations just "it's not convenient" should suffice.

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