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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her known as grandma?

34 replies

harlandfowkes · 16/06/2017 07:59

My step mum often refers to herself as a grandma or nanny to my 2 year old DD. She often says it jokingly and if we are out together she will sometimes refer to me as her daughter. She now does the same with DD and will say 'my granddaughter' to people we don't know.

Family members asked on several occasions in front of her what DD will call her and I've always just said her name.

We are not close. She thinks we're closer than we are but she's said some horrible things to me that I will never forgive her for. She's not been a 'mum' to me IMO in any other sense other than being married to my dad. So for this reason it really bugs me. But obviously none of this affects DD. So Aibu? Should I ask her to stop?

OP posts:
Fliptopdustbinlid · 16/06/2017 08:01

How long has step mum been in your lives, could you not refer to her as nanny(her first name) and the other Nanny's just 'Nanny'

I have a step-mum who has no kids of her own and she loves that our dc call her Nanny(first name)

picketfences · 16/06/2017 08:10

I think you just need to agree on a name for her. Say you want the kids to have different names for each relative, and let the real grandparents pick first, then tell her what names are available for her to choose from.

Even tho she isn't great to you,perhaps it's still better for your daughter to have an extra 'grandparent'.

justwhiisitwhosvotingtory · 16/06/2017 08:16

YANBU. I would insist upon her being called her name. My DCs have 3 'granny' figures in their lives. Their Actual grandmother, their (other) Grandad's partner and a great Aunt.

The partner has always just been her 'name' and all the DCs have never had any difficulties with that and it has not stopped them being at least as close to her as they are to their Grandad.

The Aunt though, wanted to be called granny at the beginning and has been known to refer to them as grand children. Although she now corrects herself pretty quickly. I have resisted this as however lovely she cannot replace their real granny who dies before they were born.

Insisting on her being her 'name' has also helped now the DCs are old enough to be asking questions about our family and being interested in different relationships - like who is a sister, mother cousin aunt etc.

crocodilesoup · 16/06/2017 08:19

How often are you out together? That sounds closer than you think! Since she appears to want to be part of your dd's life, is there any chance you could clear the air with her about the things she said?

x2boys · 16/06/2017 08:22

i suppose it depends how your daughter feels i had a [step]grandad who i adored he married my granddma when my mum was pregnant with me [my mums dad died when she was a child] so he in know way brought my mum up ,he wasent her dad but he was my grandad my kids had a step granddad wh they called grandad firstname

ems137 · 16/06/2017 08:28

My dad got remarried almost 2 years ago now when my toddler DD was only 10 days old, they'd been together a year or 2 before the wedding.

My older 2 refer to dads wife as her name, as do I but toddler calls her nana. She's been there since she was born and clearly loves her as her own. We have a good relationship though so maybe it's different?

Original poster
harlandfowkes · 16/06/2017 08:39

We've talked about our 'differences' and it's never got anywhere. She's not even sorry. She's now uncomfortably nice and seems to think all is forgiven and forgotten or she's just extremely fake. I'm civil for my dads sake.

I wouldn't stop her having a relationship with DD and if DD adored her and wanted to call her grandma I genuinely wouldn't do anything to prevent it. I'm just talking about now.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 16/06/2017 08:43

My DF tried to get DD1 to refer to his ghastly sister as 'granny xxx'. I put a swift stop to that, as she was not DD's granny, but her great aunt. I think that was the only time DD met her, as she would not travel anywhere and as DD is asthmatic and has huge amounts of allergies, her manky house (cat and dog hair coating the furniture, and I am not precious) and the chain smoking from all family members meant it no longer was an issue. I think you need to decide what your DD is going to call your stepmum and stick to it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/06/2017 08:43

What about 'Nanny + her first name?'

It's hard ,I am in a similar situation,she's been in my life 30 years but things are very ,very hard. I've stopped even being civil for my dad's sake now.

Groupie123 · 16/06/2017 08:47

How she treats you and your daughter will be very different.

My mum was always an abusive witch to me, evil, but adores the kids to the point of excess. So don't potentially ruin the relationship before it even gets a chance to develop - ignore the name thing for now, and let your child take the lead when it starts talking.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 16/06/2017 08:48

We've got this problem with my husband's step-dad. DH actively dislikes him but all his sisters children call him "grandad". DH doesn't want DD to call him "grandad" but we can't really control what they say when we're not there (and if we say anything it would cause a huge row). I think we'll just continue to refer to him by his name and let her decide when she's older.

MrsJayy · 16/06/2017 08:50

Call her granny like others have said it is a politeness really but you have established the boundry (sp) you don't see her that much but this is really bugging you so take control of the situation. Fwiw i dont call my stepdad Dad for all sorts of reasons but the dds call him by something that suits him.

ProudBadMum · 16/06/2017 08:54

Your daughter will pick her own name for her. My son started calling my stepdad gan gan' randomly. Never user grandad ourself and I called him by his name.

My son just bonded with him and now he is called grandad but that's my sons choice

OwlsinTowls · 16/06/2017 09:01

OH has a step-father who came in late in life and who he doesn't like all that much. DD will still call him Grandad, because to her he will always have been there, as a grandfather figure who is married to her grandmother.

My own grandfather is not my biological grandfather, only by marriage... He was always there for me though, and no adult ever made a fuss about there being no blood relation and 'lies' or whatever.

Regardless of your own relationship with SM, you need to see it through your DDs eyes.

I hate my own mother and cut her out of my life for personal reasons, but if she wanted a relationship with my DD then I would let her... and I wouldn't object to her being called 'Nanny', because imo my own feelings/relationship with said person is irrelevant.

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2017 09:01

My stepmother was never a mother to me and I didn't particularly like her but she was very good to my father.

And she was a good granny to my DC so that's what they called her.

rightwhine · 16/06/2017 09:03

Yep you always refer to her by her name and let dd call her what she wants to.

SkyBluePinkToday · 16/06/2017 09:07

For our step-MIL we have always used her first name and made it clear (gently) to the kids that she is not their grandma. DH would be gutted if they started calling this woman we strongly dislike grandma, or any other name that implied she is a close and loved family member.

MoosicalDaisy · 16/06/2017 09:09

In our family we refer to friends/step parents etc as 'Aunty name' it works well for everyone but still recognises close links!

Scribblegirl · 16/06/2017 09:11

I had a step grandad. My dad wasn't particularly close with him - he'd married my dads mum when dad was in his 20s, and dad had moved miles away by then, so he was always just the bloke who was married to his mum iyswim.

But he was a fab grandad to me - as far as I was concerned that had always been the set up and so it just made sense for him to be Grandad.

Outing, but I called my dad's bio dad 'Captain Grandad' (he'd been a captain in the navy) which apparently he absolutely loved Smile so that quite neatly solved the issue!

MoosicalDaisy · 16/06/2017 09:13

Sorry don't understand those who have cut their own parents/particular people out of their lives for good reason then would be happy for their own children to have a relationship with the estranged person!

steppemum · 16/06/2017 09:17

we had similar.
dh's mum died and his dad remarried, but after we had married so she was never step mum etc to dh.

When kids came along we had to decide what to call her. I felt as if it was a minefield as I knew dh's sister would have a blue fit if we called her Oma.
Dh is dutch and out of respect it is common for kids to call older people Oma Lisa, where their actual Oma would be called just Oma.

So we used Oma Firstname. Everyone was happy. In fatc she was really touched to be called Oma anything.
That though is the difference, we chose it and she didn't ask for it.

The nearest I can think of in English is to use Auntie, which is often used for family friends.
I would decide on a name, something perhaps a little closer than just Firstname, which acknowledges her place as your dad's wife, but not Grandma, maybe a nickname, or use Nanny where you would use Grandma for your mum, something like that

disneykid · 16/06/2017 09:19

I've had the same as this! Although I made it clear she would still just be 'name' .. funnily enough they split up just before baby arrived.

Tell her now that you don't like it and then let your daughter decide when she's old enough.

FoonaBaboona · 16/06/2017 09:25

I am a step grandparent.
I didn't want to be called Nanny as my own children aren't old enough to have had their own yet but my step grandchild is now talking and he calls me Nanny of his own accord and I must admit I love it now.

His parents had always referred to me as Nanny (my name), so it stems from there but to him I'm his nanny as much as his biological ones.

OwlsinTowls · 16/06/2017 09:29

Moosical

Because they are two completely separate relationships. Just because there's some bad blood between me and my own mother doesn't mean she wouldn't be a good grandmother. Why would I want my DD to have no Nanny just because of our history? It's nothing to do with DD and I don't want to taint family relationships for her. She can make up her own mind.

WomblingThree · 16/06/2017 09:42

My dad's step-"mother" wasn't his favourite person but she was a perfectly acceptable grandmother. I'm glad he and his siblings put aside their mutual issues and gave her a chance. His real mother was dead, so there was no conflict in that respect. She'd never had biological children, but she adored her step-grandchildren.

She was referred to by her first name by the adults but my cousins and I all called her grandma.