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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a card would have been nice

35 replies

wildflowerfable · 15/06/2017 22:38

Dd has just turned one, and out of nine siblings between Dh and I, only three have gifted something for her birthday. One has learning disabilities and one is on holiday and forgot to send anything before dd's birthday, but that's still three that haven't. They knew it was her birthday as they were invited to her party (understandably too far to come), and I always remember their children's birthdays.

I'm not a materialistic person and don't expect gifts, but simply a card or even just an acknowledgement (such as a text or Facebook message) would have been lovely. I appreciate that dd doesn't know, but I feel as though since she's been born she's just been a bit ignored by them.

Writing this out now is making me realise maybe aibu, but I still can't help but feel a bit disappointed.

OP posts:

Original poster

wildflowerfable · 15/06/2017 22:41

Sorry, eight siblings!

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AperolOnIce · 15/06/2017 22:44

YAB a bit U. Your one year old will have no idea about any of this.

DirtyChaiLatte · 15/06/2017 22:46

If you always remember THEIR childrens' birthdays then YANBU.

You must be pretty hurt that you care about their children but they don't care the same way about yours. The sad thing is though that you can't make people genuinely care.

I'm not sure what you can do about it though. It would probably be petty to ignore theirs in return.

Original poster

wildflowerfable · 15/06/2017 22:47

I understand that and know I am, it's just disappointing as I always remeber their children's birthdays and show interest in their lives and what they are up to, but it's never really reciprocated.

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Original poster

wildflowerfable · 15/06/2017 22:48

I would never ignore their children's birthdays in return, as that would feel petty and unfair on them. I will let it go but just feeling a little disappointed.

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EnglandKeepMyBones · 15/06/2017 22:53

I think yab a bit u.

I regularly forget birthdays, including those of my nieces and nephews. Last year there was so much crap going on that I didn't even manage to get round to sending Christmas cards. But I still absolutely adore them.

My SIL is wonderful, and she does always remember my kids birthdays - but if she forgot it would be no big deal because a card and a present, when you have a million other things going on (which most people do) isn't a huge deal.

I do make an effort in other ways though to be fair. My oldest nephew loves receiving post, so we regularly write postcards or letters and send them. And I buy presents throughout the year, usually when I spot something that I think one of them would really like - it gets sent straight down for them to enjoy.

Original poster

wildflowerfable · 15/06/2017 22:58

Thank you, as I said before I know I am really but just a bit upset. They never ask about dd or have shown her too much interest, when I feel I always show an interest in their children. I can be a bit of a scatter brain and have accidentally posted things a little late a few times in the past, but I always messaged them to let them know and wish the child a happy birthday, ask what they did etc.

I guess it doesn't really matter as we've had as lovely time, I just wish they remembered that's all.

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DirtyChaiLatte · 15/06/2017 23:00

I think you have a right to be disappointed with them.

Besides your DD's immediate family, they are the next closest family she has and you want the biggest circle of love and support for her in her life. I'd be sad for her too that they don't seem interested in her.

Original poster

wildflowerfable · 15/06/2017 23:10

Thank you chai, that's exactly how I feel. But I know I need to focus on dd's grandparents and our siblings that did remember and show an interest in her, as that's what really matters.

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phylispontypandy · 15/06/2017 23:16

I think you have every reason to be disappointed, we have the same thing in this family and it gets my goat! Brother in law never ever sends cards or calls or texts. I always do to there 7 kids! Cards cost less than a pound. It's the thought xxxx

MikeUniformMike · 15/06/2017 23:19

YABU for using the word gifted.

Original poster

wildflowerfable · 15/06/2017 23:22

Haha sorry! I can't say I use that word in my daily life, but didn't want to say 'presents' as I don't necessarily expect a present for dd.

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DirtyChaiLatte · 15/06/2017 23:38

I understand where your disappointment is coming from. You make an effort and care about them but they don't reciprocate.

It's not about the presents or how much money they spend, it's about showing they care enough to remember and I'm sure even a simple text or phone call would be enough.

It's probably not even about the birthday, but their general lack of interest.

As you see, I've been there myself and I feel your pain.

You're right, and you should focus on the people who actually do care.

MikeUniformMike · 15/06/2017 23:44

A card from the cousins would have been nice. maybe drop a hint. At least your Dd is too young to know. A birthday is special for a child so a belated Happy Birthday to your DD.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/06/2017 23:55

From the other side...
I'm the person who doesn't acknowledge birthdays for friends, siblings, their dcs etc. They keep sending me and mine stuff and I wish they'd stop. I'm not interested, and if they stop, it'll be one less thing for me to feel guilty about or have to do. I love them all dearly.

Confusedandgettingold · 16/06/2017 00:43

I agree with you aretheyanyleftatall

userIamNOTaNUMBER · 16/06/2017 02:31

A lot of people don't do birthday cards anymore

araiwa · 16/06/2017 04:23

i hate sending cards- expensive waste of time

but i know my mum and dad like receiving them, so they always get one for xmas, fathers day, birthdays etc

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 16/06/2017 04:31

arethereany - but surely you could have a conversation and explain how they feel? Your family are probably spending money thinking it makes you happy and hurt that you don't reciprocate. Surely you could explain that receivìng things doesn't make you happy and save everybody some time, money and upset?

Chloe84 · 16/06/2017 04:50

I would never ignore their children's birthdays in return, as that would feel petty and unfair on them. I will let it go but just feeling a little disappointed.

I think it's unfair on you and your DD. Are you just going to keep sending cards and presents to people who barely acknowledge your DD?

LilyMcClellan · 16/06/2017 04:51

If I had 3+ siblings, I would be hard-pressed to remember their birthdays, let alone the birthdays of all their offspring too.

highinthesky · 16/06/2017 06:41

I think you need to get together with your siblings and agree on a card / gifting policy, ditto your OH.

It's just not practical to gift one and all, so draw the line and draw it early.

curlii103 · 16/06/2017 06:45

I'd be very upset that's her aunties I would never forget my nephews birthday

mammaofjoelandunbornboy · 16/06/2017 06:54

I think you are right to be upset, i would be, especially if you never forget. Like you say its not that you're materialistic, its the thought and effort one puts in that counts. Just to know someone is thinking of your child and wishing them a happy birthday is enough to make me smile. I think its selfish of them tbh. Id be fuming. I have 7 nieces and nephews and 1 (nearly 2) children of my own and i never forgot any of theirs, and they dont forget mine. Sorry but id be having a word 😕 xxx

Original poster

wildflowerfable · 16/06/2017 07:23

Thank you everyone.

It's not that they don't care about birthdays, as they are actually very ott with their own children's birthdays and buy gifts for parents and each others children. I just don't think dd is even on their radar to be honest.

I just need to think if I want to say/do anything. I don't want to make a big deal of it, but don't want dd to notice we always make them cards and send a gift but never get anything in return as she gets older.

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