Dreading going back to work

[kaytee87]

Reposting from WOHP as it doesn't look very active. Just looking for some advise / experience from other working parents really....

I go back to work at the end of July, my wee one will have just turned 1. I go back full time and he will be in nursery and cared for by grandparents.

I feel like crying every time I think about leaving him. We have an amazing bond, I always know what he wants and he's such a happy wee thing. I feel like we're going to lose that closeness. He won't understand why he suddenly can't see mummy during the day 😭

I will only see him for an hour in the morning then about an hour & a half at night before bed. I don't know how either of us will cope tbh. He also doesn't Nap well anywhere other than his cot so he's going to be exhausted as he won't Nap properly at nursery.

My work paid me extra mat pay and I've used up all my accrued holidays so I can't switch to pt just now but am thinking I'm going to try in January.

How will I get through til the end of the year. People that have gone back full time how was your bond affected? Did you lose some closeness?

Advice*

I'm on mat leave with my second and can relate.

I went back full time after DC1. In truth I found it quite an adjustment. In fact I feel like I never truly went back. As in, I never was mentally able to fully give myself to my work like before. Quite possibly that's just me though.

That's probably not very helpful. But you're not alone!

To add, DC1 didn't seem to mind going to nursery and now loves it. So it seems to be mostly me who was affected. We still have a strong bond.

Yeah I don't think I can bring myself to care as much about work as before.

I think for some people that can be a positive thing, and quite liberating. Everyone says you get better at time management. Only if you were bad at it before...

I'm not sure I'm the best person to talk to really - I'm panicking about balancing things too! But I will say the bond with my DD is very good, despite nursery. And it's lovely to see her making friends.

It's sad but earning money is a good thing.

Are you a single parent?

Good childcare is key IMO.

It took DD and I about 6 weeks to get used to things when I went back to work full time after mat leave. She was 9m.
The bond was not affected, if anything it's very affirming when they are so delighted to see you at pick up. Remember, your DC is getting older and will get a lot out of the stimulation and social side at nursery.
You've had a lovely first year at home together, sadly these times pass all too quickly as they do insist on growing up!
And with the nap, nurseries have an amazing way of breaking through all your DC's habits and getting them to sleep, and also eat all sorts of things! (which they then won't eat at home!)

I went back at 6 months. It is hard but I think you learn to compartmentalise a bit. There are some pros: adult company; getting back your sense of identity; progressing your career; money. You also get better at multitasking and being organised, because you have to be! It has absolutely not affected my bond with DC. And when I think that I am missing out, I console myself that I am also missing out on a fair few nappies and temper tantrums

just try not to overthink it would be my advice. Play it by ear and see how you feel a month after going back.

I can't really help as I've just gone back to work for 2 days a week and even that hurts. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and will get through it.
I have reduced my hours after maternity leave and was paid extra maternity pay. Could you not do the same?

Blatantly place marking as I am also absolutely dreading this!!

It will be fine. Nursery taught my DS to nap, it's amazing what they will do when everyone around them is doing the same. Our bond is no different, he loves nursery and after the first few weeks I loved being back at work. Be prepared for the first few weeks to be hard. I cried every day driving home from work and thought I'd made an awful mistake going back...I hadn't.

I'm going to go against the grain and say it did affect my bond slightly. I went back ft after 9 months. Felt like I didn't know dd as well as when I was with her all the time. They are without you for a lot of their waking hours so you feel you miss a lot.

Dd loved nursery however.

I reduced my hours to 3.5 days when dd2 was born. I wish I'd done it sooner tbh. I enjoyed work much more pt.

loopy no, I'm married. Why do you ask?

xmas that's my main worry, I won't know him as well as I do. The relationship won't be so intimate. I feel like we're in our own wee bubble and it's lovely.

Why can't you go part time again? For me this was the solution.

Yes it's awful. Yes you'll probably cry every day in first week but no you don't completely loose your bond. Yes it is slightly different though. Part of being a good mummy is learning to let them go - just try and do it gently for you both. If you stayed at home and never put him in childcare it would be extremely traumatic to start school. Just do it slowly and build up to days apart. Have a routine to say bye and hello to help him understand he will see you again and leave him with a comfurtor or blanket that smells of you.

It's nice to hear the positive stories.

I think if I was going back pt I wouldn't be as worried.

inneed I'm not even sure if I could actually go part time. I'm the head of a small team so might not even be possible although I will be asking for next year when I go back.

I have used all my accrued holidays and have a two week holiday also booked so if I went pt this year that would take me over my allowance. Also there's something about paying back some of the enhanced maternity if you don't return on the same contract.

We don't really need the money but I don't want to be out of the work place completely as it would be so much harder to get a job in years to come.

It will be fine. I went back full time in January when DS was 10.5 months old. He is absolutely thriving, I don't feel our bond has been affected at all. I look forward to weekends so much and love every minute, whereas I found mat leave and looking after him 24/7 exhausting. Although I'm full time DH and I both take odd days off to spend with him fairly regularly so it doesn't feel too bad.

Don't worry about napping etc - they adjust. DS started at nursery with virtually zero nap routine, and had to be cuddled/rocked to sleep for every nap. His naps weren't great at first although they did cuddle him to sleep whenever he needed it bless them, but within 6 weeks or so they had him self settling in his cot. Then a couple of months in they said they'd like to transition him to one long nap after lunch on a mat on the floor with the older toddlers, hohoho I said, good luck with that ... later that day they sent me a photo of him fast asleep on his mat with the others where he slept happily for 2 hours. They must use witchcraft I tell you.

Could you go back part time and 'get by' until you pay some of the money back?

If you don't really need the money please do part time. It's very young for him to be away from you full time but that's just my view

hickory it wouldn't be possible to organise before going back. There's always the fact that they might just refuse pt altogether. It's a male dominated 24 hour industry and the woman that have taken maternity returned after 6 months. I'm on call 24/7 unless abroad on holiday so I would have to switch my phone off on days I wasn't working and i don't know if they'd be happy about that.

On the other hand their mat pay is great, my pay is relatively good, great bonus and my boss is on the other side of the world

I did a fairly senior job on a 4 day week - I often had to answer calls and emails on my day off but I took them gladly as I was very grateful my boss let me work 4 days. I also thought my job couldn't be done part time but some ceos are even on 4 days. Start enquring and doing the sums. Put together a case of how you could manage it and then present to your company/boss/hr. having that extra day really makes the difference. I didn't work a Wednesday so I was never away from my baby for more than 2 days at a time. The thought of not seeing her first steps would have really upset me.