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Original poster

To be angry with my friend's teen son for repeatedly fat-shaming her in public

33 replies

user1494871340 · 15/06/2017 12:00

A good friend of my family is currently going through a divorce from her (financially, physically and sexually) abusive husband and facing stigma for leaving her marriage in India so I suggested she come visit me for a short break to get away from the horror at home.

She has 2 sons, who are 6 and 13 years old. She mentioned that they are scarred by the father and she's working on their anger issues so that they don't grow up to inherit these traits too.

They've not been angry or aggressive in front of me but I noticed her teen son has a bad habit of constantly fat-shaming her and putting her appearance down . This is especially odious because she's lost a lot of weight due to the trauma she's faced in the past few years and is the thinnest I've ever seen her (UK size 10 or so).

Her son particularly irritated me yesterday when we went out for dinner and he pointed to a very slender woman in a crop top who was carrying a baby and said "look mum, her baby is so much younger than your baby (his little brother) and she is so toned but you're still so cute and chubby." This was around the 10th time he has brought her weight up in the few days he has been here and he's also remeninded her to conceal her under eye circles on another occasion before we left home. And my friend keeps humouring him and making fun of herself when he does.

I don't want to blame him as he probably internalised this behaviour from his dad from a very young age (and he has been through a lot himself too) but is there a positive, non accusatory way that I can point this out to my friend and tell her how to correct this unsavoury habit of his?

OP posts:
araiwa · 15/06/2017 12:05

I think you should keep your mouth shut and your nose out

Foslady · 15/06/2017 12:07

I actually think that he is old enough to be challenged on it. You don't need to show anger to him, just ask him why he believes in what he is saying and gently explaining why it is wrong.
By saying nothing you are helping to entrench his views in his mind and that this is acceptable.

Not easy but I think it does need saying

luckylucky24 · 15/06/2017 12:09

I'm sure your friend knows this and it is under the umbrella of traits she is working on. I doubt she would want to tackle him when visiting you.

Original poster
user1494871340 · 15/06/2017 12:13

Yes, I definitely don't intend to accuse him or put him down as he is young, impressionable and has been living with an abusive father. But today, I was making a dip go with pita and he took some of the baby carrots and cucumbers from me and gave them to her and said "why don't you eat this instead mum" in a super-jokey way and he called her a chubby rabbit but she ended up eating just the veg and it made me uneasy as she really doesn't need someone policing what she says now. But again, I'm very conflicted because of how delicate this situation is.

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 15/06/2017 12:15

Ask your friend how she wants you to support her,. If she refuses, then she isnt dealing with it and you have to decide where to go from there.

Original poster
user1494871340 · 15/06/2017 12:20

DJBaggySmalls- how would you suggest I bring it up with her? Just "I've noticed X constantly jokes about your appearance; does it bother you?" Or something a little less direct?

OP posts:
Mamadothehump · 15/06/2017 12:20

Your poor friend but it's lovely she has you. When her DS is out of earshot, could you say something along the lines of "Look love, why do you let him talk to you like that? It's not right that he feels he can talk that way to you, or anyone else for that matter."
See what she says from there?

Tazerface · 15/06/2017 12:21

I think he's old enough for you tell him commenting on someone's appearance is rude. And that his mother doesn't need her food intake policing.

Only you know how she would react.

AnUtterIdiot · 15/06/2017 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FinallyHere · 15/06/2017 12:26

I would be inclined to ask her, in a private moment when you cannot be overheard by anyone, how she feels about the remarks her son is making. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know about how best to go from there.

greedygorb · 15/06/2017 12:42

I would absolutely say something to him when he says things like this. He's being rude and it should be pointed out to him as casually as you can. If he continues then be a bit more direct.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/06/2017 12:43

Almost certainly learnt behaviour from his father, under the circumstances.
I'd start by challenging him in the moment - asking him why he's saying that, his mum looks great, what makes him think she should look different?
Ask him what his objective is in saying those things to his mum - calmly, not rudely - is he hoping that she'll change the way she looks, and if so, why?
He's old enough to be able to answer these questions - they're probably just unthinking repetitions of stuff his father has said - so it would be good to make him think about why he's doing it.

At the moment, I wouldn't necessarily talk to her about it - she's already scared that they're going to turn out like their father, it might really throw her off to realise how much the older one has already picked up :(
Give him a chance to change his ways first; and if he doesn't, then maybe start giving her the hint that he shouldn't be talking to her like that as it's disrespectful. Chances are that it's incredibly mild in comparison to what she might have been used to, so she might not even have noticed it!

LorelaiLeighGilmore · 15/06/2017 12:46

I'd honestly not hesitate to correct him on it. It's obviously a learned behaviour from his thoroughly unpleasant sounding father, and I believe that although no one should parent your child for you, it's our duty to correct rudeness - especially fairly nasty rudeness - in anyone.

Just my thoughts!

jamrock · 15/06/2017 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Intransige · 15/06/2017 12:55

At 13 he is no longer a baby, and he's learning about how adults behave in society. His mum is therefore not the only person who needs to manage his behaviour - he will get peer pressure from everyone he meets to adhere to social norms.

So I think it would be ok to say something. Not as part of the mother-child dynamic, which I agree isn't your business. More in a "do you know that it's never ok to comment like that on someone's weight" manner.

ThymeLord · 15/06/2017 12:57

I fully agree with ThumbWitches approach. That's certainly what I would do if it was me and my friend.

crocodilesoup · 15/06/2017 12:57

Some of the way he is talking is the way some women talk amongst/to themselves. Could he also be picking it up from her? If she is working on his behaviour why is she laughing when he says these things?

Peregrane · 15/06/2017 13:18

Another vote for ThumbWitches' approach.

specialsubject · 15/06/2017 13:20

That sounds like daddy speaking. The kid knows no better, but you say your friend is working on getting rid of years of indoctrination to hate.

Perhaps ask her how she would like you to react to help her undo the training to hate?

Original poster
user1494871340 · 15/06/2017 14:16

Thank you all for your helpful replies!

ThumbWitchesAbroad - I think you've hit the nail on the head. She's so used to horrific abuse and she is trying to rid the boys of overt aggression so this has probably not even registered as inappropriate on her radar.

Questioning why he says this, why he wants his mum to change her looks sounds like a good idea.

Does any one else have other suggestions for questions I can ask him next time he brings this up?

OP posts:
Groupie123 · 15/06/2017 14:53

If they're Indian then it won't be unusual to challenge the child in public or even tell them off if they say or do something wrong. It would certainly be expected in India. I have told off Indian friends' kids for more minor stuff than.

I would personally tell him that she's his mother. And so many kids don't have one, that he should feel grateful and lucky he's got one that loves her & that making fun of her weight is wrong.

Groupie123 · 15/06/2017 14:54

Also fat-shaming is an Indian cultural thing. Fat women are treated horribly - and yes depending on where you are, anyone over a size 8 can be considered a Large.

Original poster
user1494871340 · 15/06/2017 15:16

Groupie: Yes they (and I) are Indian. I agree that its cultural thing and that's part of the reason why she doesn't object. Usually I wouldn't hesitate to tell him off but a) the current situation is fragile and b) I don't want to just shut him up but I want to make him think about why it is wrong and why he shouldn't continue to do this with her when I am not around. So I am wondering how to have a constructive conversation about this with him.

OP posts:
user1497403588 · 15/06/2017 16:39

You should definitely bring it up casually with him, it'll embarass him and make him feel ashamed for being so rude to his mother..

something like 'Why do you suggest your mums overweight? She looks perfectly fine to me, hah' and give him a weird look and a laugh. Chances are he'll feel like a low idiot and spend the night feeling guilty

Electrolens · 15/06/2017 22:11

Another vote for a (very gentle) reprimand and no comment on weight no matter your friends size - just the friend factor: 'It's lovely for family and friends to eat together so I'd like you and your mum to both enjoy this food I've made' and 'It's important we all eat well so I've made us a nice tea. It's lovely to see you and your mum enjoying it'

If he says something v particular 'I made all of this meal for you and your mum to enjoy so I'd like us all to enjoy it now'

No criticism of him but constant gentle reminders and well done for being a good mate