to think just saying no isn't as easy

[user1496785376]

as many people on mumsnet seem to think it is? The thread about saying no to looking after a friend's dog got me thinking. I've never found it easy to say no but after being told many times that I shouldn't be such a doormat I have tried saying no more often. But I then found that there are many people who have never been taught to take no for an answer. They badger you for explanations, they keep on asking and saying "why not? oh go on, do it for me". Even something simple like not wanting an alcoholic drink has people saying "why don't you want one? Why don't you drink? Go on, one won't hurt you"
So does anyone else find they can't "just say no" because others won't just accept being told no?

But I then found that there are many people who have never been taught to take no for an answer.

Sounds like you're giving apologetic waffley excusey "no"s

e.g. "I really wish I could, but DH is out that night and I've got to get the kids" … and people will believe you and think you DO want to go except for your excuse… so they'll problem solve your excuse for you and say "Why don't you drop your kids round here for a sleep over then you can come?"

See

If you are clear and say you don't want to, people accept your no.

Also, if you tag an excuse/apology onto your "no" you give people enough information to re-phrase the request in a way that you can't turn down:

"hey hun I'm on a double shift on weds and my dog walker is booked up, can you walk fluffy for me at lunch time"
"no sorry hun! I've got appointments that don't finish until 4"
"4 would be great! thanks hun!"

But if you just say "no I can't wed" or "I'm not a dog person, sorry" there is nothing to come back with IYKWIM

Lots of great tips and techniques here, OP - can I just add that once you've joined our ranks as someone who can (and does) say no your friends and family will know that on the occasions you say yes it's because you genuinely want to help them out/have a drink/whatever, not because you're a pushover.

It is SO difficult when the badgering starts, but it's important to realise that it's about them, not you. They're badly brought up and selfish, and they want you to cow to them so they can carry on with the cosy arrangement they had before where you were a pushover.

Practice makes perfect, but scripts help. The best tip I ever heard was not to give a reason. If you give a reason it sounds like an excuse and it gives the impolite grabber something to beat you with. You'd be amazed how often nice people don't even ASK, they just say 'oh that's a shame'.

I had to turn down a hen do once because it sounded absolutely appalling and I would have despised it and brought the whole group down because of it. I just apologised and said I simply couldn't make it, I'm so sorry, it's just not possible, and got no pushback at all. The bride never asked and none of the bridesmaids pushed. The groom did in a conversational way and I jsut said 'I know, I was sad to miss it' and it wasn't pushed at all.

Practice makes perfect. Try saying no to someone 5 times this week. It won't seem so hard once you've done it.

They're badly brought up and selfish

not necessarily, some are just very literal!

If you say "oh I'ld LOVE to but…." they think you DO want to, except for …. so they help you solve the reason… because they believe you and don't always spot that what you mean is "I DON'T want to, and here's an excuse because I won't say that outright"

If you say no once followed by 'I don't want to' to further questions, you won't be asked as often.

This is where that adage, "no is a complete sentence," comes in. You don't have to offer explanation, and in fact doing so will give the other person a way to chip away at your argument. If they press, just say, "the answer is no." You're not required to give a reason.

The superb Athene Donald has written a great blog post about saying no -- plus tips on how to do it. It's about academia, and specifically about being a mid-career academic, but that's not my field and I still found it totally fascinating and helpful to read: occamstypewriter.org/athenedonald/2015/12/06/just-say-no-but-how/

Enjoy!