Would you consider this spoilt?!

[KentMum2008]

Back story, DP and I have been together 2 years. I have 2 children aged 10 & 8 from a previous relationship. 6 months into our relationship, DP took on the family business and has spent the last 18 months turning it into a successful career. It was difficult at times, it meant a lot of long days, late nights, weeks working away securing contracts etc. But when the new financial year started, he had made significant profits, enough to be able to take on an employee. He now has the luxury of being able to choose his working days/hours which he fits around my work days so he can do school runs etc.
Last month I was offered the opportunity to do a temp job in a field I've always been interested in, but it's a tricky field to break into without experience. Initially I wasn't going to take it, the hours made it difficult for me to do school runs and as it's Monday to Friday, DP couldn't always be around to help out.
Then the day I had to formally accept, DP said he'd had a think and wanted me to take the job because I'd spent the last 18 months supporting him while he whipped the (failing) family business into shape. He drives me to work in the morn, then drops the kids off at school. If they have a job on, he then joins his employee for the bulk of the work, returning to pick kids up and pick me up from work later. He usually sorts dinner too and has occasionally hung out the washing by the time I'm back. We're both very happy with this agreement, it's only until August and it will massively boost my CV so that once the DCs are in secondary school, I will have better career prospects.

Here is my AIBU. No less than 5 of the women I know/work with/chat to in playground have made comments such as 'oh isn't he good?' 'He's spoiling you, ferrying you and the kids around' 'my husband would never put up with that' 'and they're not even his kids, he must be a saint' 'he does housework too, you must have him well trained'

He's not a fucking saint, he's just a decent person who appreciates that I supported him when his career was taking off, and now he's doing the same for me! AIB spoilt? Or are they stuck in the 70's?!

Pink I absolutely agree, there are some women who will just happily continue to stick to those deeply entrenched gender roles, and never consider asking their husbands to play a greater role. And if they are truly happy with that choice, then I'm fine with that, it suits some. It's when they're deeply unhappy, and often resentful of the role they play, but insist that's 'how it is' and they don't have a choice. Everyone has a choice! It may not be an easy choice, and your experience sums it up perfectly. But there is always a choice. Well done for standing your ground Pink

@mangomay, I am assuming you don't mean "happily" in the usual sense, you sound a little bit harsh. I posted an earlier comment supporting your position and saying I think the other school mums' comments were loaded and unreasonable. Nobody can take away from you the fact that you guys have worked hard for what you have. And yes, some women allow their partners to behave in a certain way, but I am not one of them. I am stuck with a depressed dreamer, who wants to do big things but somehow runs out of puff, so I do it or it won't be done. It's not that I have not raised the subject. He promises to change but nothing ever happens. Maybe, I am not assertive enough, but it's hard to argue with a depressive drunk.

@olivesoap thank you, you are very kind. I know it's all a bit grey everywhere I look. My DCs do bring me enormous joy and their achievements fill me with endless pride.

@pink the education is something DP really wants to do but he doesn't complete anything (e.g. he started teaching one of our children a language and has so far done 2 lessons in a month; he is supposed to be in charge of a music instrument with one of the DCs (I do the other), but he is never up for doing the practice it involves). He buys them tons of books and then they sit in the corner untouched. He promises to do projects with them and they rarely get done. I end up trying to fill all these gaps as best I can, because time doesn't stand still. When you'd had enough of your DP's behaviour, did you just have big conversations or did you threaten to leave? I have only done the former.

The way I see it: to make things better, I would have to change the person not his attitude. I wouldn't stay with a complete pig, but I am lost for what to do next. He wasn't like this when we met or had children. He sees the error of his ways and tries, but slips up almost immediately.

I have no idea why I am pouring my heart out here. I think it can be very easy to judge the woman, so please be gentle.

I'm not sure what you mean user about not meaning 'happily' in the usual sense.
Let me clarify, I know women who play the traditional housewife role and are, on the outside at least, happy with it. And if they are truly happy to continue doing so, then that is their choice and it's not for anyone to pass judgement. However, a great deal of women have lives like this and want it to change, but never make any attempt to. And that, in my opinion, is not ok.

I'm not aware that anything I've said is harsh, or out of turn. If you (and I don't mean you personally, I just mean people in general) aren't happy with elements of your life, change them. There is always a way, even if it will be difficult to begin with.

You have said that you're not one of those women who allows their partner to behave in a certain way, you're just stuck with a depressed dreamer. But in a way you are allowing him to behave that way. You're enabling him to continue doing very little by doing it all for him. I might sound preachy, but I have been here before. DC's dad was a useless, lazy, work-shy drug addict. He did nothing practical to support us, never helped with the children, not even when I had a newborn and a toddler. He was abusive and nasty, and financially controlling. And for years I told him he needed to change his ways or I would leave, he promised he would and then nothing happened. So I left. Well, I made him leave. Waited until he'd gone to meet his stupid bastard mates for a joint and changed the locks. The tenancy was solely in my name so it was fine, and he didn't have a leg to stand on. It was so hard to begin with, and I nearly let him back so many times, but I was strong and didn't cave. And now I have a life I've always wanted, a soon to be husband who adores me and the DCs, works hard so we can have and do the things we want to, and I have time to pursue things I've always wanted to do. I wasn't happy with my life the way it was, so I changed it.

Wow @mango, what a story. Good on you. I totally admire the way you did that. And you must be incredibly strong. I don't think things are that bad yet over here, they could certainly get worse. But I am rather hoping they might get better. We both own a large house in an expensive area, so it wouldn't be possible or fair to do something similar. We have entangled our lives over twenty years and now it's very very tricky to sort out (and I know I am not the first in that position!) Plus I feel like I have to support him through his depressive episodes (which I must say I absolutely have had enough of, but I know it's not the "right" thing to say). I'll certainly try to step up the pressure at least. It's really getting me down, which is not healthy for anyone, and especially not good for DCs.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. But you're right, it can't be good for anyone.

And user it is totally ok to say you've had enough of his depressive episodes when he refuses to seek help. If he was being treated and still struggling, then it's harder. But he's not, and you're suffering too.