Would you consider this spoilt?!

[KentMum2008]

Back story, DP and I have been together 2 years. I have 2 children aged 10 & 8 from a previous relationship. 6 months into our relationship, DP took on the family business and has spent the last 18 months turning it into a successful career. It was difficult at times, it meant a lot of long days, late nights, weeks working away securing contracts etc. But when the new financial year started, he had made significant profits, enough to be able to take on an employee. He now has the luxury of being able to choose his working days/hours which he fits around my work days so he can do school runs etc.
Last month I was offered the opportunity to do a temp job in a field I've always been interested in, but it's a tricky field to break into without experience. Initially I wasn't going to take it, the hours made it difficult for me to do school runs and as it's Monday to Friday, DP couldn't always be around to help out.
Then the day I had to formally accept, DP said he'd had a think and wanted me to take the job because I'd spent the last 18 months supporting him while he whipped the (failing) family business into shape. He drives me to work in the morn, then drops the kids off at school. If they have a job on, he then joins his employee for the bulk of the work, returning to pick kids up and pick me up from work later. He usually sorts dinner too and has occasionally hung out the washing by the time I'm back. We're both very happy with this agreement, it's only until August and it will massively boost my CV so that once the DCs are in secondary school, I will have better career prospects.

Here is my AIBU. No less than 5 of the women I know/work with/chat to in playground have made comments such as 'oh isn't he good?' 'He's spoiling you, ferrying you and the kids around' 'my husband would never put up with that' 'and they're not even his kids, he must be a saint' 'he does housework too, you must have him well trained'

He's not a fucking saint, he's just a decent person who appreciates that I supported him when his career was taking off, and now he's doing the same for me! AIB spoilt? Or are they stuck in the 70's?!

Sounds like you are a great team. Sounds like these women are similar to those who thought it anazing that my dh would do the nappy changes while we were all out for a meal.

Says a lot about their low expectations, shows how crap their dp's are.

They all act like they're happy to be the dutiful wives, taking care of their hard working husbands and catering to their every need, but I wonder if they really resent it. They make a lot of bitchy comments about the mums who work, even down to what we wear. I finished early last Friday so DP picked me up first and we did the school run together. One of them said 'ooh look at you all tarted up for work'. I was wearing skinny leg trousers, a blouse and flat shoes with a bit of make up . (For anyone who read my giant strawberry post, Linda the Lunch made the tarted up comment)
They're also the mums who refer to themselves and each other as 'so-and-so's mummy' Nights out with them always end in us talking about kids/school/husbands, to the point where I don't bother to go anymore! Now I'm 'allowed' to go (I was excluded before as a single mum!) I don't bloody want to. They're so boring! It's like being a wife and mum is their ONLY identity. Don't get me wrong, being a mum is a very important part of my life, but I do have an identity outside of that.

My kids are at 3 different schools, and I've met a grand total of zero women who are as judgemental and outspoken as you describe. I guess I've got very lucky.

Somerville I'd like to think you're not lucky and that it's just normal. It would appear I live in a 70's throwback town....

Can't you say he was a rescue husband and already trained when you got him?

Addley rescue husband
He was a bit of stray to be fair, poor love.

I definitely know where you're coming from - DH and I both work part time (him longer hours than me) so that between us we have a full time job. When I'm at work, DH is responsible for DD, and is more than capable of looking after her - the only thing he really struggles with is doing her hair. It may not surprise you that DH is also familiar with all forms of housework.

I am very familiar with the comments you've had - I have friends who wouldn't leave their DC with their DH for a day because he wouldn't cope/wouldn't know how to look after them. My DH first took DD out on her own when she was a week old. Neither of us had much clue at that point, but he's just as capable of learning as I am. Perhaps more surprisingly, both of us come from families with a father that worked full time and a mother at home (at least until the children were all at school).

It's also the 'you're lucky to both have part time jobs'. Actually, DH has turned down more than one job because they only wanted someone full time. He's fortunate to be good at what he does with skills that are in demand, so he's never struggled for work, but it's definitely a question of priorities.

I know what you mean Sheepy, DP could choose to work more hours which would mean me working less. He earns significantly more than me (his day rate is what I earn in 2 weeks) but he took on an employee because he'd rather spend more time at home which in turn benefits me. The employee he took on was a local guy with 2 kids who'd just been made redundant, they got chatting in the post office and swapped numbers! DP took a gamble and the guy has turned out to be a hard worker, dedicated employee and a genuinely nice guy. DP benefits from having to work less, I benefit from being able to work in a more promising field, and his employee and family have benefitted from regular well paid work. All the wins

I get the same. All. The. Time. It really really pisses me off. A saint for doing exactly what I do and pulling his weight in the relationship? For being a normal decent human? Idiots. If it makes you feel better, just feel sorry for them that they really think a good man is such a novelty and not a normal thing.

"AIB spoilt? Or are they stuck in the 70's?!"

YANBU and you are not spoilt. He chose to be with you and that meant the kids too, whom he appears to be treating as his own, which is great, but does not make you spoilt.

Presumably by sharing a car or sharing rides you both save money on car use and it is more environmentally friendly, none of which makes you spoiled!"

"No less than 5 of the women I know/work with/chat to in playground have made comments such as 'oh isn't he good?'"
Yes, he is good, but I have supported him while he worked on the family business (your family business which you are trusting him with ? Maybe he is a little bit spoiled too!

"'He's spoiling you" just say " I think that is pronounced 'supporting me' not 'spoiling me'.

"Ferrying you and the kids around' Just say "Giving us a lift if not being a chauffeur, most people share cars at some point.

And "my husband would never put up with that' 'and they're not even his kids, he must be a saint' 'he does housework too, you must have him well trained'" Do the head tilt "I'm sorry you husband doesn't support you."

Don't let them get away with this, have hey got sons, daughters? We need to make sure the next generation knows that working together is 'normal' not special treatment for men to be able to cook dinner or hang out washing!

Yes,

OP, why would you even give what those women said a second thought let alone start a thread about it?

Its all a nonentity.

It's bizarre that people still hold these views. I'm very much in a 50/50 relationship. We are equal and have both financially supported each other. We share everything. As a SAHM I do most of the 'women's jobs' but I only stay at home as it was more convenient for me to take a career break, otherwise he would have become a SAHD. People seem surprised when I mention how much of an input my husband has. He has been told that he is under the thumb for carrying out parental duties.

It sounds to me like you have a very equal relationship with your husband. I hope that that becomes normal in our society and not something that men are expected to be praised for. Those women would likely shit themselves if they knew that this week my husband is going out to work every day while I stay home and then he comes home and cooks.

MrsPeelyWaly Why does anyone start a thread about anything? To get others' opinions?

i think hes a saint but only in a I'm complimenting you way.and only because some of us have been left with asswhole who do bugger all.so id say these woman (like me) are just jealous.
I think its wonderful that you have this unit and set up.sounds like a true lovely loving relationship and you should be proud of it and not listen to others.its something we should all have...in an ideal world.enjoy it it sounds amazing.

Do you honestly REALLY care about them calling you 'spoilt'?
They are probably jesting. Ignore and enjoy your fabulous OH.

kateandme You're not stuck though. Things can improve - either by working on your relationship, or leaving for a more fulfilling one, or to be alone.

Equal and mutually supportive relationship.

It's funny though how gender roles can be so entrenched.... I have my own prents say isn't it 'lovely' that DH is 'so supportive' and 'helps out' so much.

Well, he is the father. We are married. He does work from home so can do school runs 50% of the time. I AM the breadwinner. And we certainly do not split chores 50/50, more like 75/25 weighted to my negative, but I am supposed to be on my hands and knees grateful for my 'luck' that he more or less pulls his weight?

FFS.

I am jealous! . It's nobody's business how you organise your family life .

MrsPeely I can't say that I particularly care about their opinions, I'm just curious to know if they are opinions held by a lot of people, or if, like I've suspected for a while, the town I live in has a disproportionately high number of 'dutiful wife' types. So I posted, as everyone else does on AIBU, for opinions!
Interestingly, my mum and sisters have never said commented anything of the sort, because I came from a family where household duties/Childcare were shared fairly equally between my parents. Ditto DPs family.

I think "dutiful wives" maybe going a bit far, OP. We all have different reasons for doing what we do. And men come in all shapes and sizes. I have a FT time job, do ALL the childcare, do ALL the housework and do ALL the saving for my kids' education. DP does a good bit of DIY when he has time, but that's it. He doesn't work as he has another source of income. We contribute equally to the monthly finances, but that's where the equality ends. I do it for the kids only and the rare glimpses of relationship happiness. I don't have the guts to change the situation, but I don't think it makes me a dutiful wife (I would certainly hate to be called that).

I have to disagree user. I don't think dutiful wife is too strong a term for a woman who spends nearly all her time catering to her husband and children, who always forgoes her wants and needs so that she can continue to do EVERYTHING for them. I love DP and my children dearly, and will do anything for them, but not at the expense of my own happiness. You have to find a balance. The kids usually have a whinge on the rare occasion I say I'm going out with my friends, and it would be all too easy for me to say ok I'm not going. But I'd be miserable, and a miserable mum is no good for anyone. I chose to have children, and I chose to be with DP, but those choices don't define me as a person.

What you have described there is an example of one of the most unequal types of relationships. You are doing everything, you've said DP does DIY when 'he has time' and doesn't work. What does he spend the rest of his time doing? You may not have the guts to change your situation, but if you're not happy with it, how long do you think you can carry on? You are precisely what I would describe as a dutiful wife, doing all the work through no choice of your own, Andy just accepting that that's how it is. It doesn't have to be that way. What would happen if you didn't wash up one evening? Or didn't cook dinner? What happens when you're unwell? Would DP step up?

And* not Andy lol. Also, if you only get 'rare glimpses' of relationship happiness, what on Earth are you doing in the relationship at all?

Well, it's complicated, @mangomay. DP has depression (he refuses to get help) and a demanding mother. He spends a lot of his time arranging her affairs, studying and sleeping. He would step up, if needed, but as he is not used to it, it tends to be very stressful. He spends periods when he is manically doing up our house (we bought a wreck) for 12-14 hours a day, then he drinks himself to sleep. (He does the latter every day.) So we have many issues, and he does need my support. Believe me, I question my being here every day and wonder what it would be like if I wasn't. I do still love him, which complicates things, of course.

I am different to you in that kids always come first (before friends, before family, before everything). I wouldn't spoil them by saying I won't go out if you don't want me to (they need to respect others' needs), but I do overwhelmingly arrange my life around what I think will be a nice/enriching experience for them. The reason is probably the fact that I left home (in another country) at 15, and do no speak to my mother. I so want the opposite for them that I probably go overboard. In my case, more of a dutiful mum though, rather than a dutiful wife. I do see your point though.

That sounds very difficult, user. And also, I have to say, as if it can't go on indefinitely...?

The thing is, I have a similar set up but it didn't come naturally to DH.
Actually he reverted into 1950 type of role pretty quickly an sim afraid I did let him.
That is until I snapped and decided that enough was enough.
And even then it wasn't an easy ride but several years on, it has become the norm for us and DH would happily agree that yes it's totally normal.

And that's what annoys me. Because yes some men will really never ever lift a finger because they've never been taught how to do that or that it could be also a 'man's work' too.
But there is also a proportion of women who will not either let their DH take a bigger role in the dcs education OR will not push their DH to do it (because they seeit as 'their' job??)

I really think that it works both ways.