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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left out by friends.....

27 replies

Blueistheneworange · 14/06/2017 15:02

My friends have in the past met up without me - by that I don't mean I couldn't make it but that they made arrangements for day trips or evening get-to-gethers and I wasn't invited. Some I've found out about when one or other of them would accidentally let something slip or if I happened to be passing by one of their homes and noticed the others cars parked outside.
Now I've found out that they are going on an over seas trip to my home country and I'm not invited again. I'm so hurt.....it seeems they are happy to be friends with me when it suits them and then I get sidelined when it doesn't. WIBU to just not respond to texts or make any meet ups and lose touch beyond a polite hello as we pass each othe in the street?

OP posts:
Offherhead · 14/06/2017 15:08

YWNBU to cut them out like that. Save your time and energy for others.

Giddyaunt18 · 14/06/2017 15:32

How are they your friends OP? How did you meet them? Has anything changed? I wouldn't blame you if you cut them out but I'd be intrigued as to why they are doing this and would have to ask one of them. Is there one you could arrange to meet and in some way ask if there's something you should know?

waitforitfdear · 14/06/2017 15:34

There must be a back story and if you seriously have no idea then ask one of them what's occurring.

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 15:34

That sounds awful OP. No wonder you are hurt.

Any ideas as to why this might be happening? Or are they just nasty people?

Original poster
Blueistheneworange · 14/06/2017 18:53

I guess the back story is that our children started school together but along the way I lost a husband and gained a wife. Perhaps, despite what they've said, they are concerned it might be catching......

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 14/06/2017 18:57

Were they friends with each other before they met you?

I doubt very much that it's about you having a wife, unless you mistreated your dh in the process, and they're morally offended by that!

Giddyaunt18 · 14/06/2017 21:19

Perhaps you were right the efforts time and they are just narrow minded and your sexuality makes them uncomfortable? Are they all straight?

Jupitar · 14/06/2017 21:31

Do you instigate get togethers OP? Do they all come when you suggest stuff? Were you always going to get together before you got dropped or were you not always available?

A friend of mine has stopped being invited to stuff a group of Mums do but it's because she was always late, left early, not available. Then she was also rude to one of the other Mums who happens to be the one who instigated most get togethers so she's no longer appears on the invite list.

Original poster
Blueistheneworange · 15/06/2017 13:00

Sorry, didn't mean to disappear - work and school exams took over my evening.
We've been friends since our children started school together. They did know each other before but I was new to the area. That's over twelve years ago.

My exhb was (mostly) emotionally and financially abusive and I had divorced for several years before I met my wife so it's not as if I cheated or just broke up our marriage because I realised I was gay.

I have joined I with meet ups and outings over the years and done my share of arranging them too. Over the past few years I have started arranging less as I realised I was being left out of a number of events.

I have AS and am aware that some of my ways of doing things can be seen as less than conventional so I have tried so hard to be more 'normal' but it comes at a cost and I think I'll just bow out quietly and live my unconventional life with my wonderful lovely wife and family and not bother with friendships

OP posts:
rolopolovolo · 15/06/2017 13:09

I don't really get it. They knew each other before, you didn't introduce them and they are clearly better friends with each other than you.

They like you, they are happy to be friends with you but they don't want to go on holiday with you or they sometimes want to spend time together without you.

There's nothing offensive here.

rolopolovolo · 15/06/2017 13:13

And if you feel you can't be yourself with them then obviously you don't get on that well with them either. Let them go but without the martyrdom.

Original poster
Blueistheneworange · 15/06/2017 17:18

Wtf.... are you one of my 'friends'.....there's always hope I'll make new friends but I very much doubt there's any hope you'll become a nicer person. Who the fuck are you to come in and stick the knife in and give it a wriggle as you do. Piss off back under whatever shuttle little stone you crawled from.

OP posts:
nina2b · 15/06/2017 17:22

You did ask for people's opinions so there is no need to become unpleasant when opinions come your way. Hmm

AnnetteCurtains · 15/06/2017 17:31

I think you've answered your own question with your last post

NannyRed · 15/06/2017 17:41

Annette has just said exactly what I was thinking as I read down the post.

If you're prone to flying off the handle and swearing, they are not always traits that other people welcome. Maybe your temper and your language was 'bearable' but has got worse and that's why you're being left out. Have you always been so direct? It's possibly a side of you that your friends no longer like.

Rossigigi · 15/06/2017 17:56

Wow what a response are you always this mean?!!

mikeyssister · 15/06/2017 18:07

And now we understand why they're excluding you - and I'm also probably on AS

highinthesky · 15/06/2017 18:08

Maybe they just don't like your wife, OP?

If it's an all-female group, I can see how they might find it difficult to invite you minus the lady in your life.

highinthesky · 15/06/2017 18:10

Just read the full thread.....is this a wind up?

Sniv · 15/06/2017 18:26

Oh, dear, oh dear. This is going to go well...

I actually think Rolopolo's response is pretty fair, to be honest. A friendship group I'm in has broken up a bit because it just got too big. You can't invite everyone to everything, but it always feels like if you invite A, you'll have to invite B who'll probably bring her boyfriend, and the C will wonder why she's not invited. And before you know it your little informal BBQ has grown arms and legs and you're buying 48 sausages to feed people you barely know.

It's not fun finding out you're on the edge of a friendship group and not at the core, especially if you feel like these people are good friends. Not a reason to give up on friends forever, though - just maybe look to strengthen some other friendships.

Allthewaves · 15/06/2017 20:24

Make some lovely new friends who love you for being you

Sisinisawa · 15/06/2017 21:09

I'm autistic too and know how you feel. I can't be myself with anyone at all so I do get that. NT people just won't understand that I'm afraid so ignore the comments.

I'm always on the edge of groups too and don't think there's any way around it sadly. It does hurt though.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/06/2017 21:11

Wow l am absolutely shocked at your response there. So over the top. Actually what was being said was that those people have been friends priior to you so it would be regular they would see each other more often. It may help you to see thats ok.
But going to your country and not letting you know is mean.

Waltermittythesequel · 15/06/2017 21:15

Some posters are more blunt than others, OP but that was an extreme response!

As a PP said, it might be that they don't get on with your wife.

But either way, If you can't be yourself with them then they're not real friends!

Imaginosity · 15/06/2017 21:21

How do you think you come across socially, obviously with autism there may be issues? (My DS has autism and there's a lot of social skills he had to learn - like sometimes he might appear rude without meaning to or may focus only on what he's interested in etc. I have social anxiety myself so I'm always at the edge of friendship groups. I'm trying to learn to accept being happy in mainly my own company.

Do you have other friends to fall back on?