if I don't reply to this friend?
JumpingJellybeanz · 14/06/2017 12:04
First off, I have AS so am genuinely confused about how to handle this friendship and really need some sound, but kind, advice.
I met this friend at language class. She's a newcomer so was keen to make friends (we're all foreigners). My best mate and I took her under our wings and all three of us got on great. The only problem was she was always late and it drives me up the bloody wall.
For example, one time after class we were meeting up for lunch at a restaurant 5 minutes from school. Mate and I got there a minute or two apart. Friend arrived half an hour later because she stopped to get some shopping on the way.
One time I was meeting her alone. She left me waiting for 20 minutes, knowing I was stood outside and it was -15C.
It came to a head at Christmas. I invited her family round for a meal. She accepted then asked if her mum could come too. Which was fine. 2 hours before she sent me a message saying her mum wanted to go to mass first so they'd be here half an hour late. I knew full well this was never going to happen. They'd have to leave immediately after and drive like bats out of hell. Sure enough half an hour after she said she'd be here I got a message saying they were just leaving and would be here soon. I replied that it was too late.
After this she kept asking my mate if I'd like to meet up for lunch again like we used to. Mate kept saying, why don't you ask Jumping and see.
A few weeks ago I thought I'd break the ice and invited her DS to my DS's birthday party. They came and and it was so nice. She asked about meeting up for lunch, I said I'd love to. So we arranged to meet up tomorrow.
I've just received a message cancelling because her friend is in town tomorrow so she's got to go help her with stuff instead, and when am I free next week.
AIBU if I don't bother replying? I'm so torn. She's so nice when we're together and we get on really well. But at the same time I feel so disrespected. I also feel guilty because this is a rebooking because I cancelled due to norovirus the week before last.
NavyandWhite · 14/06/2017 12:09
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onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 14/06/2017 12:18
The being 30 mins late wouldn't bother me but the Christmas incident would. I would have annoyed about that - it was incredibly inconsiderate.
Only you can really decide whether her inpunctuality is a deal breaker for you or not. I have unpunctual friends but I love them and love their company so I'm willing to tolerate it ... but only up to a point. If it got ridiculous (like the Christmas incident) then I'd probably struggle.
Cancelling at the last minute often doesn't bother me as I'm usually grateful for a bit of space. But again only you can decide whether her friendship is worth it and outweighs her flakiness.
Sometimes readjusting and managing your expectations can help - so half expecting that she will be llate or cancel. Add time to her due arrival time or have tentative alternative plans should she cancel altogether (that obviously don't involve cancelling others).
My DP always overestimated how early she would get home from work so I always added 30 mins and I was invariably right. She stopped being late once I told her what how I managed it.
You could always talk to your friend - in a gentle way - and explain how it makes you feel.
JumpingJellybeanz · 14/06/2017 12:27
She knows how annoying it is. I've told her. My mate has told her. My mate no longer gets involved with meet ups because of it, and told her so. My mate is German and takes timekeeping very seriously. She also had no qualms about telling friend bluntly what the issue was.
Christmas was the deal breaker for me. I thought it was extremely rude, especially knowing that my family, plus other guests (including German mate) were waiting. But over time I relented because I'm too soft and feel like us foreigners need to stick together.
NavyandWhite · 14/06/2017 12:30
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MatildaTheCat · 14/06/2017 12:36
Only meet as a three and if she's late start without her every single time. Next week I would overlook since she's given a valid excuse and is looking to rearrange. But let her suggest a time and place and then stick to it.
If she's still annoying after that get German fired to explain again what the issue is and stop meeting ( or, as I suggested just go ahead without her).
wowfudge · 14/06/2017 13:06
She's rude. Just reply that you can't do next week and see what happens. Should you decide to invite her to anything ever again, tell her it is starting at least half an hour earlier than you have actually planned. Then there's a chance she'll be on time. She should take lessons from your German friend .
JumpingJellybeanz · 14/06/2017 14:42
Can I ask, would the reason for cancelling bother you? Her friend lives in a town about 45 minutes away and is looking to move to our town. She's been offered a flat and is coming to view it tomorrow and sign the contract if she likes it. My friend is going with her 'to help'. I don't believe help is actually needed. I think she's just excited her good friend is moving nearby and would rather go see the new flat than see me.
JennyWoodentop · 14/06/2017 14:47
would rather go see the new flat than see me
- she repeatedly prioritizes other people or activities over seeing you
- the lateness .......... I bet if she's going on holiday she gets to the airport in time for her flight, they won't wait 30 minutes plus for her
You just have to decide how much this matters to you & whether the friendship is valuable enough to you for you to put up with this, as she probably won't change.
peachgreen · 14/06/2017 15:18
OP, could this be a cultural thing? I moved from a very time-conscious culture to a much more Lassa-faire one and and I've had to get used to people not really giving accurate times for anything and being anything up to an hour late without it being a big deal!
It doesn't sound to me like she's not prioritising you, to be honest - it sounds like she's just a very late, disorganised person. If that's a dealbreaker for you that's absolutely fine, but I don't think it's mean-spirited or malicious like PPs have suggested.
Picklemuncher · 14/06/2017 16:02
We had friends like this, that would always show up late when invited for meals and when you got to their house for a get together they hadn't prepared and were popping out to the store as you arrived. At first we just thought they must be really disorganized, but then you clue in that they are not late for work, etc, so really it was just disrespect. This lady was managing to get her mother to Mass on time but didn't care about your dinner. It says it all really. Sorry.
JumpingJellybeanz · 14/06/2017 20:32
That's what I'm struggling with. At DS's party we had fun, we laughed, we put the world to rights, we laughed some more. It felt good and natural and worth the effort. Today it feels horrible and I want to cry. A lot of that is down to me though as I don't cope well with uncertainty.
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