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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pay off one loan, then take out another?

36 replies

KrayKray00 · 14/06/2017 09:04

Please help as I am stuck about what to do.

Bit of a backstory and the post isn't about my relationship it is about the loan.

I have been with DP 8 years. We have children together. Our finances are separate, no joint accounts or anything. He pays me x amount of money a month for bills and I pay the rest (I usually pay more but that's not the issue). It works for us. But I no longer ask to borrow money off him as sometimes in the past he had made me feel a bit "you owe me..." or "you're in my black book now" he thinks it's funny where as I think it is a dick move. I have issues anyway when it comes to a man being in total control of finances. I never want to be in that position that if he ever left I am left with nothing, so this set up works for me. However. We live for now. I have no savings, well very little.

I took a loan out last year in DPs name. £4500 for 12 months with very low APR total amount paid back was £4644 The reason being I was a student and the only loans I could get had a RIDICULOUS amount of interest. I have never missed a payment and made sure the just under £400 monthly payment was in his account. I have two month left but now I am struggling by being £200 each month short because nursery fees have rocketed as my dc hours have had to go up.

Me and DP have been given some money (from his DP) and I had the impression we were going to split it that's what was said by them and him. And I said great I can pay my loan off now (just under £800 then I will have £700 for some other bills and to redecorate some rooms in the house. This would be fantastic and really useful.

However. My car is broke, the head gasket is going and it's just falling apart, it is a very very old car but has served me well. DP thinks I should buy a new car for £1000 and he keeps saying "we will take it out the money we were given" so then I can't pay off my loan which will leave me in the same position of being short for the next two months IYSWIM?

I was thinking of paying off this loan with £800 done and dusted. Then taking a loan for £1000 with the same people as Apr is only like 2.6-3.2% so repayments would be no more than £100 pcm for a new car. DP isn't really listening but I think I am making more sense by doing that than using the money we have? The repayments of £100 a month is much better than the amount I'm paying now of £390 a month.

What would you do? I'm so sorry it's so long I thought it would only be a short one but didn't want to drip feed. Also I would not ask his DP to loan the money as they have just given us this amount and asking my family is out of the question. Thank you if you've managed this long!

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 14/06/2017 09:11

So how much money does he have after he's given you pocket money? What does he do with it? If he can afford hobbies and luxuries he should pay off your loan and buy you a car. Are you working? This smacks of financial abuse to be honest. He should be doing his fair share to cover all costs, and that includes your need for a reliable car.

DesignedForLife · 14/06/2017 09:11

An no, I don't think you should be taking out loans if he's got money to spare.

Dragongirl10 · 14/06/2017 09:14

Hi Op,

You are absolutely right, you should clear the 800 loan, and take out the new one for the car, at the moment you are in danger of defaulting as you are short, so must insist to DP you do this your way, also your monthly repayments on the new loan are much lower.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/06/2017 09:16

OK, so your joint DCs nursery hours have gone up -- why is this leaving you short of cash? Surely nursery is a shared cost? If he pays HIS share of bills for HIS children, could you manage the last two loan payments, then buy the car outright as he suggests? Seems a shame to dip straight into another loan when you're so close to being debt free.

That's my answer to your question, however that doesn't mean I think the money works rightly or fairly in your house Sad

TrueSay · 14/06/2017 09:16

If he has money ( and I say that through gritted teeth) then it's family money!!! Why are you taking out loans if you have children together - why isn't he just paying.

Together with all money combined do you have enough to cover everything?? This is a ridiculous situation you are one family and one household. You're not relying on anyone - if you can have kids together then you both pay together for everything.

Even if you want to keep finances separate - I don't understand why you are taking out loans when within your family unit you have money?!

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/06/2017 09:18

The nursery fees are just as much his responsibility as yours. Please tell me he is bearing some of the increase too.

witsender · 14/06/2017 09:20

Is your child his as well?

Kokusai · 14/06/2017 09:23

It works for us.

No love, it works for him.

Unless I've missed the point and the child is not his, you are being taken for a right ride.

gamerchick · 14/06/2017 09:24

Is he sharing nursery costs?

Original poster
KrayKray00 · 14/06/2017 09:30

I don't work. I am a full time uni student with two Dcs under 5. The loan was for me, he never saw a penny so I don't know why I would expect him to pay it? The set up works so I don't see it as financial abuse. I don't know why but if he paid for everything I'd see that as control. Just my way of thinking I know it shouldn't be like that but I've been very hurt in my past and like I said never want to be in the position of not being able to leave because of money worries.
It would be nice of him to buy me the car, but what if he said "you wouldn't have that if it wasn't for me?" That's what I hate, I don't think he would ever say that but I prefer to feel independent.
His wage just about covers the bills. He took credit cards and loans out when he was younger (before we met) which he is still paying off. So he doesn't exactly bring x amount fully home for bills each month. I have been living off a student loan and grant.
I fully intent to start work this year in September when school starts but my car isn't going to hold out till then so I need one now and money is tight.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 14/06/2017 09:31

If they're his kids, which I assume they are as you've been together 8 years and DC are nursery age, then the costs of childcare are a shared cost that you both pay. There's no way it should be your sole responsibility.

I get that you don't want "family money" and that's fine. But childcare is a joint expense just like mortgage/rent and utility bills.

Why are you short of money while he has spare cash? You say you pay more bills, are you the higher earner? If not then it's appalling that you pay more if he's the higher earner

Agree with PP that this arrangement doesn't work for you, it works for him

harderandharder2breathe · 14/06/2017 09:31

You're a student and he works but you pay more of the bills? WTF?

nannybeach · 14/06/2017 09:32

How can you can out a loan in DPs name did you forge his signature

expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 09:33

So he's paying his fair percentage of the nursery fees for his child?

EpoxyResin · 14/06/2017 09:35

Everything else aside you should 100% pay off the affordable loan and take out one with lower monthly repayments for the car. No question.

EpoxyResin · 14/06/2017 09:35

*the UNaffordbale loan!!

Original poster
KrayKray00 · 14/06/2017 09:44

The fees have risen because I have to do voluntery / work experience as part of my course requirement but my course has now ended so therefor my loan and grant and help with childcare has too. DP isn't a high earner at all he works Mon-Sat for £17k a year! And his monthly wage is roughly £1100 pcm before tax. Half of this is given to me for bills which is just under the amount of our rent. I top up the rest. The rest of his money goes on 1 large monthly shop (£180ish), his car bills, phone bill and to and broadband. He is left with very little a month. My money goes on nursery fees, my car, my phone, gym membership, water, gas and electric and other small bills so I see the bills split rather than the money? I am left with slightly more PCM there for I can afford the £100 repayments on the new loan.

Is that really financial abuse? I have never ever thought of it in that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
KrayKray00 · 14/06/2017 09:45

Yes the DC are his. And no of course I didn't forge his signature. He done it for me over the internet and phone, he took the loan out for me and I paid/paying it off.

OP posts:
Havingahorridtime · 14/06/2017 09:53

It doesn't sound like financial anise to me at all. You both have very little money left over each month and you can afford a gym membership from yours. It's just a financial arrangement that works for you and some posters don't understand it.

In your shoes, I would pay off the current loan and take a smaller
More affordable loan to get the car. I would forget about decorating the house etc for now and put that back until you have the cash to pay for it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/06/2017 09:53

How can you take out a loan in DPs name did you forge his signature? No signature required for some loans as done online.

It absolutely is part of his responsibility as a father to see that you ferry your children around in a safe and reliable car. It absolutely is his responsibility to pay the nursery fees if he can afford to do so and you can't. And the loan to be paid off is in his name, therefore that is his responsibility too.

If he has the money, I would have thought the most sensible thing would be to borrow it from him or for him to give it to you. Otherwise, yes, I would borrow the money. However, I see no point in borrowing money and paying interest to the bank when between you you have the cash.

In future, you will be in a position to give as well as take and this is what a partnership is all about. For example, you have "given" him two children, he could "give" you a car to drive them round in. When you work, you will "give" him something else etc. Anything else seems pretty miserable to me when you are specifically choosing to put yourself in a disadvantageous position. Right now, you sound as if your cutting your nose off to spite your face because of a poor past relationship. You're supposed to learn from it, not punish yourself becuase of it.

7461Mary18 · 14/06/2017 09:55

The biggest issue here is your temporary cash crisis until you work in September or have lower childcare costs in September and the broken car. Can you not just find much cheaper car repair places or tolerate the car fault until then?

Could you get an all day Sunday job and your partner look after his children all day on Sundays?

Kokusai · 14/06/2017 09:56

I am left with slightly more PCM

Right well it wasn't clear from the first post that that was the case. You made it sound like he was keeping you short.

Original poster
KrayKray00 · 14/06/2017 09:57

Thank you Havingahorridtime I think you understand my point. times are just a little tougher over the summer period. That's why I am looking for start work in September when one of DCs will be at school rather than pay full childcare over the summer for both. I hoping life will be a lot better then, financially.

OP posts:
Havingahorridtime · 14/06/2017 09:58

Are people missing the bit where OP says that she has more money left over each month than her DP?

He isn't paying the increased nursery costs and loan repayments because he doesn't have the money to do so. OP can afford to do it (or could until the nursery costs increased). The sensible thing to do is therefore take a smaller more manageable loan and probably cancel the gym membership too as that will make things easier.

Original poster
KrayKray00 · 14/06/2017 10:04

Sorry Kokusai the more I explained the much longer it got. The post was only meant to be about paying off one loan and taking out another.

I will have a look into a Sunday Job. As much as I enjoys Sundays as a family day because that's the only day we all get together as a family I will look into it.

Thank you all for your help and comments. Just fallen on hard times and hoping things will be on the up soon.

OP posts:
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