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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I say something or just grit my teeth?

30 replies

Pollydonia · 14/06/2017 08:07

A dh one .
Dh has a tendency to be selfish. Say 20% of the time, the other 80% he is fine.
ATM he has hurt his back - won't see a doctor but it's getting better slowly. He also works pt ( semi retired) for 15-25 hours per week. Some shifts start at 5am.
I am mildly disabled mobility and chronic pain and work ft in an office role.
So, having a chat with the pil's yesterday and mil asks if I've come straight from work ( I had, was in office clothes- out of work I live in jeans), dh pipes up "Work, that's not work, she just sits on her arse all day!" For clarity I also earn 3* what he does and have been the main breadwinner for over 10 years.
Yesterday he was up at 4, worked 5-10:30, came home, had a couple of hours sleep, got his lunch, walked the dog, shower then I picked him up to go to pil. And a couple of hours watching TV/ on tinternet .
I was up at 6, walked dog , put laundry on vacuumed, got ready for work, worked 9-5 shopping on lunch, drive to pil, prepared dinner for them/ dh ( they are 85 and very frail, we do this a couple of times a week) . I couldn't eat with them due to my medication, then home for half 8 ish, made bed, washed up then read for an hour. Dh watched the football.
I do not just sit on my arse all day!
So, do I say something ( which will get back to mil and she will blame herself for asking me the question) or do I grit my teeth and get on with it?

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 14/06/2017 08:11

How old is your husband?
Does he have a pension that tops up his wages?
If your husband is well enough to work he is well enough to help out! You are having the piss taken out of you!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/06/2017 08:12

Unless he was making a joke that you would find funny, then yes you should tackle it. I probably would have said something at the time, like "well thankfully it's the money I earn for sitting on my arse that pays the majority of our bills and mortgage". I'd raise it with him and say you were upset. He's lucky you didn't try to humiliate him.

SunsOutPlumsOut · 14/06/2017 08:13

Enough of the martyr shit just stop doing it! Nothing changes unless something changes

RedBullBlood · 14/06/2017 08:15

Tbh, the only way I could stay silent on this would be because I had somehow superglued my jaws shut. I'd be setting him straight.

acornsandnuts · 14/06/2017 08:16

I'm surprised you're asking. In fact I would have shut him down there and then whether it made anyone uncomfortable or not.

He is being very unreasonable.

And why are you going the majority of the housework and cooking if he works part time?

You need to have a sit down and do some time management with him.

Original poster
Pollydonia · 14/06/2017 08:36

Yesterday was a bit of a one off, we usually do share the shitwork but he " can't " ATM because of his bad back ( but yes, he could go to work Hmm) .
As for the cooking, we do one night each for pil.
But yes , I'm going to speak to him , I might even come home on lunch ( he can make me something) .
Didn't say anything at the time because mil is emotionally quite frail and I wouldn't upset her , Im very fond of her.

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 14/06/2017 08:37

What he does/doesn't do seems irrelevant to me. You hold down a full time job, and he is choosing to disrespect you by describing that as "not work".
Just tell him that pisses you off. Also that choosing to say it not to you, but to someone else in front of you, is doubly running you down. Tell him how you feel when he does that.mTell him you want this to stop. Don't get into defending yourself, or weighing up who does what. This is not a competition. It's about him being rude.

Original poster
Pollydonia · 14/06/2017 08:39

Dancing that's spot on, exactly how I feel about it. I will be using that when I speak to him.

OP posts:
thereallochnessmonster · 14/06/2017 08:45

You have a well-paid FT job and you are in pain, yet you manage to go to work, plus do housework and look after your PILs.

Your h sounds like a selfish knob. Maybe the pain is making him grumpy (in which case he needs to see a GP) or he's just a twat. Either way, I'd be setting him straight. And I would have done in front of his mum (but not in a way that would make her feel bad).

Thundercunt.

You sound lovely, btw.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 08:45

What Dancing said. Stop skivvying, too.

morningconstitutional2017 · 14/06/2017 08:50

Make a list of everything you've done, ticked off. Place it in a prominent place where he'll see it.
Maybe add underneath 'what did you do today?' Perhaps you've just had a particularly bad day but I'd feel like giving him more than a bit of earache about it.

Make sure he gets the message, he'll soon shut up if he gets some grief about it.

Original poster
Pollydonia · 14/06/2017 08:51

The pain is making him grumpy, but he is choosing not to see a doctor. He is honestly not usually a twat, but does have a selfish side. Anyhow, I WILL be speaking to him. Just off to work now.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 08:54

'The pain is making him grumpy, but he is choosing not to see a doctor. He is honestly not usually a twat, but does have a selfish side. Anyhow, I WILL be speaking to him. Just off to work now.'

He's a grown up, he's responsible for his own health. Tell him where to stick his shitty comments.

NavyandWhite · 14/06/2017 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellomoon · 14/06/2017 09:08

So, do I say something ( which will get back to mil and she will blame herself for asking me the question) or do I grit my teeth and get on with it?

The fact you even have to ask is depressing. Why wouldn't you calmly call him out on his comment, given that it is insulting and inaccurate?

Jux · 14/06/2017 09:26

Tell him to get pain relief from the doc, or if it's not bad enough for that, then he needs to pull his weight. No, don't, that'll just lead to a row.

Bishybarnybee · 14/06/2017 09:43

You have to tackle the "Joke".

I earn less than DH and he once made a joke about me being a "kept woman".

Both he and our (then teenage) kids remember the response to this day.

I was furious and listed all the ways I was disappointed in him for putting me down in front of the children and not respecting my contribution to the family. It is legendary because at one point I threw the cake I was eating into the river we were picnicking beside at the time. And I am not a woman to lightly toss away cake.

I rarely blow my top but I wasn't having that.

DeadGood · 14/06/2017 09:50

"So, do I say something ( which will get back to mil and she will blame herself for asking me the question) or do I grit my teeth and get on with it?"

Sorry - what? How would it "get back to MIL"? Your husband would go to his mother to tell her the details of this discussion? Really? And then she would feel bad about asking a perfectly innocuous question?

OP you do sound lovely but this is all a bit exhausting. And no you do not have to put up with comments like that from your husband, I feel embarrassed on his behalf actually, what an idiotic thing to say.

PetalHead · 14/06/2017 09:59

I'm outraged at the suggestion that it can't be work because you're sitting on your bum! I'd definitely have to say something. It sounds as if he's threatened by you and doesn't really like you earning more. And why are you doing so much of the domestic work if he's part-time?

Grrrr. I wonder if he'd consider it "not work" for a man to have an office job?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/06/2017 09:59

I would leave all the household bills on the table with a note saying "This is what my non-work pays for. Would you like me to stop?"

SapphireStrange · 14/06/2017 10:01

I'd say straight 'What you said about me I found hurtful and offensive. And it isn't true. If it was a joke, it wasn't funny.'

PetalHead · 14/06/2017 10:01

You could also leave him any domestic admin you do, with a note saying you're handing it over to him as it's not work anyway.

stuntcamel · 14/06/2017 10:02

And I am not a woman to lightly toss away cake

Grin

This has to be my favourite quote of the week!

TheVeryThing · 14/06/2017 10:24

I agree with dancing, and think that you should focus on his rudeness, rather than your feelings.
If you make it about how hurt you were, it's too easy for him to make out that you're too sensitive.
He was talking crap, and has no manners. That's the point!

Original poster
Pollydonia · 14/06/2017 13:17

Came home to a lovely lunch and a sheepish dh. He knew , he was trying to joke but it backfired spectacularly. Called himself a knob ( I agreed) . He's going to pil again tonight and is expecting his mum to give him an ear bashing.

OP posts: