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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleepover issue - am I being precious?

77 replies

Itsallaswizz · 13/06/2017 22:10

It was my dd (8) first sleepover recently. I have found out that the mum let her friend take my dd and her friend to the cinema, the mum didn't go. The df is known to my dd's friend and he took his two kids too so one adult 4 kids. The film they saw was rated 12. He then drove my dd and her friend back to friends house for sleepover. Dd says she thought it was 'weird' but not particularly bothered. I guess this is part and parcel of leaving them in the care of others, you have to trust them to do what they think is right for your child. I feel a bit uncomfortable though, I think she's too young to be left with strangers (well, a stranger to her) and this is giving her mixed messages about how to keep herself safe. Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Sid98 · 14/06/2017 01:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 14/06/2017 02:04

Fuck off Sid with your spamming. Get a fucking life - or do you not have time in between grabbing all the freebies and signing up for all the contests Hmm You are pathetic

paxillin · 14/06/2017 02:09

Sid is on many threads. Sid is possibly a bot. Report as spam.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 14/06/2017 02:45

Thanks pax I have. Not a bot - they have a lot of other posts on sponsored and contest threads. Grr.

Piesy · 14/06/2017 03:10

I would feel sick that my DD had spent the night at a stranger's house.
I know that sounds dramatic but omg I find that way outside the norm.
Even if the original Mum had called me to check, it's likely I would have said it's not something that sits well with me, and collected her after the movie.

kateandme · 14/06/2017 03:44

id talk to you daughter honestly as you have here of your fears of the situation.possibly mention when this type of thing happens could she text you to check?or ask to be gotten in touch with. they can be wrong but its what you tell you daughter now that will stick in her head and then go on to be learnt from her side of things.
if you leave it she then will think its ok.
anything could have happened so communication is key here.

mygorgeousmilo · 14/06/2017 06:31

No, no, you're not being precious at all. I would have been furious. You felt comfortable with THEM, you trusted THEM - not some random mate! They were really irresponsible and bloody out of order, I would be having words with them about it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/06/2017 07:36

The problem with the cinema 12 rating is that it is now, of course, 12A. That actually means that the film is really not suitable for under-12s, they must be accompanied by an adult, and that adult should consider carefully whether the content of the particular film is appropriate for their under-12s.

What it actually means in our local Vue is that everyone rocks up to 12A films with their toddlers in tow Hmm

So someone who does not know your DD certainly shouldn't be deciding for you which 12As she can see.

Original poster
Itsallaswizz · 14/06/2017 09:58

I will be talking to the mum about it. It's really the stranger issue that bothers me, we have always told dd to check with who is looking after her before going anywhere with anyone but obviously in this situation that would have been no use to her. She doesn't have a phone so would have had to ask the mum to ring me which she didn't do. I will remind dd that she is always to do this but I can see that in this particular situation she didn't feel confident enought to do so, which makes me think we will hold off on the sleepovers for now. Although I accept that the sleepover isn't really the issue either!

OP posts:
Lostbeyondwords · 14/06/2017 10:06

Not that we had them when any of us had sleepovers at that age and we probably mostly survived just fine, but I never let my dd (11) go to one without a mobile to contact me just in case of anything unexpected, though of course you would hope you wouldn't need to do that. You can get super cheap ones just for this OP. You're well in the right as pp have said, to be concerned.

What on earth was the mother thinking?!

liminality · 14/06/2017 10:18

Okay, some of your replies are pretty intense. She wasn't shunted off to a stranger, it was obviously a friend of the mothers, who she trusts with her own child, and has his own children, took her to a film. This other parent is not some random off a street. I have helped raise several of my friends kids, and have taken kids to the park or other activities in the course of this. I wonder if it was a female friend if you would have been more comfortable? Sure a text would be nice, but my first guess would be that this was just a spur of the moment extra activity? A film, with four kids all tagging along with one parent? Then a sleepover? Sounds like a rad night to me!

Secondly, she didn't sleep at a strangers house, the kids did an activity and then had a sleep over as planned.

In Australia kids can travel without car seats from 7 as long as they are not too small for the belts to fit them properly, then they need a booster. But otherwise, no problem. Not sure where the poster is.

I guess the rating of the film is a bit Hmm but really - here are some examples of PG rated films, that reccomend guidance for kids under 15 - Home Alone, Harry Potter, Jumanji, How to Train Your Dragon, Beauty and the Beast. I bet HEAPS of parents are cool for their 8yo to watch these films alone even. Without knowing the specific film, I think YABU.

Pretty much, YABU. But if all this freaks you out, then def host yourself and yell at the other parent and kill off a few opportunities for your kid to socialise without you.
At most, I would get my kid to ask the parent to text me if plans change again, I wouldn't rush in with massive alarm bells ringing telling them to BEWARE every change in plans. Your dd is obvs big enough to let them know that, I would roll with it.

Allthewaves · 14/06/2017 10:24

Do the kids all go to the same school?

It is pretty weird.

Northend77 · 14/06/2017 10:33

If I were the parent organising a sleepover for my DD and her friend I would have declined the invite from my DF to take the kids to the cinema and promised to take them myself another time. I would have then mentioned it to the other parent the next day that there had been this possibility but that I'd said no on this occasion and seen what her reaction was. In any case, I would ALWAYS call another parent to get permission to do anything other than what had been agreed

metspengler · 14/06/2017 10:40

Okay, some of your replies are pretty intense. She wasn't shunted off to a stranger, it was obviously a friend of the mothers, who she trusts with her own child, and has his own children, took her to a film.

I hope I was intense. Pushing the boundaries with people's children in a way that makes the other parties feel in some way they mustn't say anything, handing children over to a third party the parents don't know who disappear off with them, showing them content that is not age appropriate, these are characteristic of how some very bad people indeed behave with children - those people tend to start relatively small and escalate.

I would cut off contact ASAP, and I would be interested if anyone else in the community has had the boundaries pushed in a similar way, especially if there has been a gradual escalation over time in how unsafe the children are made, and content they are shown.

Yes it could be perfectly innocuous, but one instance of passing DC around and showing them media that's to old for them in a way I'm not supposed to kick off about would the very fucking last one ever.

missedith01 · 14/06/2017 10:47

YANBU. Nothing that happened would have been very unreasonable except you, the parent of an 8yo, weren't consulted. I'd expect a sleepover at a friend's house to take place at that friend's house, I'd expect to be consulted if anything different happened, no matter how innocent or spontaneous. The film cert being inappropriate is more forgivable, I suppose, if it's a film aimed at children, but the outing, no way.

notanevilstepmother · 14/06/2017 11:43

I wonder how many of the extreme reactions to this were because it's a man?

A dad of 2 of the children at the sleepover took his 2 children and 2 other children to the cinema.

If it had been one of the other mums that took her 2 and another 2 would anyone have been as bothered?

I'd be more bothered about the car seat and the choice of film than about a parent who I trusted choosing a parent she trusted to look after the children.

LittleBeautyBelle · 14/06/2017 11:52

I agree 100% withmetspengler

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 14/06/2017 11:54

The going to the cinema without checking that's it's OK to see a 12a first would annoy me, but the bloke taking them wouldn't because I'd assume he was a decent guy if the mum who I trusted was friends with him.

rolopolovolo · 14/06/2017 12:21

Don't EVER let your daughter stay with this woman again. She has no boundaries and no sense. Let her endanger her own children. You keep your own kids safe.

steppemum · 14/06/2017 12:26
  1. if I ever have to leave visiting kids with anyone who isn't me, I tell parents (even if it is dh) so they know. Not acceptable to leave with adult you don't know.
  2. I would never take an under 12 to see a 12 without parents permission.

Please tell the friend's mum you aren't happy.

no problem with sleepover.

steppemum · 14/06/2017 12:30

no problem with it being a dad, just that you didn't get a choice about someone you don't know being in charge of your child

Lostbeyondwords · 14/06/2017 12:46

Who cares if it's a man or a woman? It makes no difference (maybe to some, but it shouldn't). They ARE still a stranger and yes they are "some randomer". If they're unknown to OP and her dd they are random and a stranger.

Everyone's judgement is different. Just because you may trust someone to look after your child in their home, doesn't mean you trust their judgement on everyone they know and are willing to leave their own children with. It's just not on.

Lasagna · 14/06/2017 12:55

The film they saw was rated 12

No it wasn't 🙄 they are 8. They wouldn't have even been allowed in. How ridiculous, be as mad as you want about a stranger taking your DD out but don't make up lies about the film to make it sound worse.

Original poster
Itsallaswizz · 14/06/2017 13:12

I'm not bothered about the fact that the mums friend was a man and im not suggesting he is a danger to children. What bothers me is that this person was a stranger and the situation undermined the boundaries I am trying to put in place with my dd to enable her to make sensible choices. I'll discuss this again with dd.

OP posts:
notanevilstepmother · 14/06/2017 13:20

I suppose it's about how you define stranger. I wouldn't count someone known by the adult in charge at the time as a stranger.

I seem to remember my friends kids being told if they get lost they should look for a police officer (who is a special kind of stranger) or if they can't find a police officer they should look for another mummy or daddy with children and ask them to call the police.

Risk awareness and risk management is an interesting topic.

My biggest concern from what you described is still the car seats. The journey is the most dangerous part of almost everyone's day.