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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sleepover issue - am I being precious?

77 replies

Itsallaswizz · 13/06/2017 22:10

It was my dd (8) first sleepover recently. I have found out that the mum let her friend take my dd and her friend to the cinema, the mum didn't go. The df is known to my dd's friend and he took his two kids too so one adult 4 kids. The film they saw was rated 12. He then drove my dd and her friend back to friends house for sleepover. Dd says she thought it was 'weird' but not particularly bothered. I guess this is part and parcel of leaving them in the care of others, you have to trust them to do what they think is right for your child. I feel a bit uncomfortable though, I think she's too young to be left with strangers (well, a stranger to her) and this is giving her mixed messages about how to keep herself safe. Am I being silly?

OP posts:

user1493059174 · 13/06/2017 23:11

No way. Wouldn't have been happy about the movie or the sleeping arrangements. If an arrangement is made then it is up to that adult to take care of your child. You were expecting her to be responsible for your child until you returned to collect her, this didn't happen. No way would I let that situation happen again.

Original poster

Itsallaswizz · 13/06/2017 23:12

Yes, no car seats either.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/06/2017 23:15

No you're not being precious at all. Aside from the fact that this bloke could have been anyone, which is no small thing. Children are like mini adults and often feel strange and uncomfortable around new faces.l know my dd wouldn't have liked it.

Miniwookie · 13/06/2017 23:16

Hosting parent was out of order. I check with the parents before I even let my DS's 10yo friends watch 12 movies, let alone 8. If I've left my DC in someone's care I don't expect them to be handed to a stranger either.

Ohyesiam · 13/06/2017 23:16

No way would I be happy with this. The mum should have checked about sending your dd out with an unknown adult, and about her seeing a film that she is underage for.
Actually of be furious. My dd had a couple of friends like this at primary, I ended up always hosting as I want keen on the patenting styles.

GreenTulips · 13/06/2017 23:21

My DD is an older 12 and I check with parents of her 11 year old friends about movie ratings -

8 years is too young to watch a 12 film unless the parents have seen it or know their child will enjoy the film - The hunger games is a 12 so is The boy in the stripped pajamas- neither ok for 8 year olds

TheMysteriousJackelope · 13/06/2017 23:22

You are not being precious.

Sending them off with another adult that you don't know, without your permission - not OK, more because of driver and car safety than worrying about abuse.

Taking 8 year olds to a 12 rated movie - not OK. I have seen 8 year olds scared of the Wizard of Oz and in tears, while others can watch autopsies on NCIS without batting an eyelid, the friend had no idea which would describe your DD.
Driving her without the necessary car seats - Not OK.

Original poster

Itsallaswizz · 13/06/2017 23:28

Yes I think I will host from now on, good to hear I'm not being precious, some parents seem so relaxed! I have anxiety, which of course doesn't help me rationalise but I will trust my instincts on this one. Thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:

NC4now · 13/06/2017 23:30

I'm super laid-back but I'd be cross at this.
I want to know where my children are and who they are with. That's just normal.
The film rating probably wouldn't bother me so much - there's a four year gap between my boys, so DS2 quite often gets films before I'd have approved them - but going off with a stranger and not telling me? That's not OK.

paxillin · 13/06/2017 23:31

Be prepared to find yourself the relaxed one on occasion. I had a sleepover kid not return on account of unhealthy breakfast cereal and drinks other than water on offer at our house (corn flakes and juice FFS, I didn't give them gin) .

clary · 13/06/2017 23:36

A 12A film is OK as long as parents are Ok with it... but I would expect them to check with you and the adult not being known to your DC is a bit odd IMO. 8yo itself is not an incorrect age for a 12A, but I would as I say want to know about it as the parent to assess - eg Avatar is a 12A and it is quite violent (and also rather long!). Les Mis is also a 12A, DD saw it with me when she was about 10yo but I was OK with that. Not with someone she (and I) didn't know and without my knowledge tho.

Deffo not what I would have done.

timeisnotaline · 13/06/2017 23:37

The example a pp used of playing at the neighbours- I think I'd be ok with that. At least even if you don't know exactly where they are you are only 30 metres out , in a residential suburb (depending on vibe you get off parents) . Not a cinema trip with a stranger and no car seats.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 23:53

I would be furious for my child to see a 12 film when 8 without my prior consent, and furious for a total stranger to me and dd to take her and other kids to cinema without my consent.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 23:54

No car seats!

sounds like the parent did not think this through at all.

Are you going to tell her how you feel, OP?

krustykittens · 14/06/2017 00:14

I wouldn't be happy with that at all. She shouldn't have handed over the care of your child to anyone else without your permission and they certainly shouldn't have taken her to an age innapropriate film.

metspengler · 14/06/2017 00:15

Two breaches of trust there.

The film is one thing, but handing your child off to some bloody stranger you haven't ok'd is VERY odd and nobody I know of would be even remotely OK with this.

If you get the feeling you are supposed to shut up about it to be polite I would consider that a reason for serious alarm bells about these people. Seriously overstepping the boundaries and putting people in positions where they feel they can't kick up a stink is a hallmark of abusive people, or groups of abusive people. I'd keep child away and cut contact as much as possible and give child a serious talking to about never going anywhere with, taking anything from or following the instructions of these people ever again.

ScarlettFreestone · 14/06/2017 00:27

The cinema trip was inappropriate on just about every point.

I was have been angry about that and would have told the parent so.

My DC would not be visiting that house again.

paxillin · 14/06/2017 00:27

I agree walking off with a stranger is the real problem here. The film isn't ideal, but wouldn't bug me so much. But I entrust my child to a mum I know and she entrusts my child to a bloke I don't know... that is a breathtaking breach of trust.

sobeyondthehills · 14/06/2017 00:33

The only thing that comes to mind is perhaps the mum had an emergency, but even then I would be clutching at straws.

Like you I would be very angry about the whole thing

paxillin · 14/06/2017 00:37

I did wonder about an emergency, but anything short of labour starting wouldn't really cut it. And even then I'd expect a phone call before my kids are taken away somewhere by a random. Or at least expect the random to call ASAP for me to come and pick up.

Schoolisback1973 · 14/06/2017 01:08

No, not ok!! You thought your DD was sleeping at her friend's house and you found out the next day she didn't. I would be fuming!
Did you have to pick up your DD from someone else's home? did you contact and asked the mum why the arrangements were changed?

paxillin · 14/06/2017 01:10

No, she didn't sleep at a different house. She was driven back after the movie to the sleepover friend's house.

LittleBeautyBelle · 14/06/2017 01:19

Unacceptable. The understanding was that your dd was spending the night at friend's with friend's mom in charge, with no going out. You were not informed that they were going out, and you were not informed that they went to the movies w someone you have no idea who he is.

You need to have a talk with this mom so she doesn't do it with other people. Totally wrong! I couldn't trust her after this.

LittleBeautyBelle · 14/06/2017 01:24

What is so weird about this is that the mom invited your dd for sleepover and then handed your dd off to a stranger (someone you've never met or approved and she didn't tell you beforehand) for the evening. What did she do all night??
Very strange.

sobeyondthehills · 14/06/2017 01:27

Literally the only thing that comes into my head, is some sort of emergency happened and the friend happened to be there and said they would take them and they didn't want to worry the daughter.

The problem with that is the mum knew the emergency would be over in a couple of hours. Or at a push they knew your daughter knew your number if it went on longer?

But I no longer clutching at straws I am clinging on for dear life on one straw

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