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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be jealous of friend?

39 replies

SpottyDoggy345 · 13/06/2017 09:24

I know IABU as my husband has already told me I am.

I'm seeing my best friend of 15 years on Thursday and our other friend.

Me and BF after our pregnancies decided to go on a health kick. Both unhappy about our weight. We joined a gym started logging calories and weighed each other each week. At first I was doing really well then after 6 weeks my willpower disappeared. I quit the gym and started eating normally again. BF continued and lost quite a bit of weight.

My weight has been a constant battle all my life and a year later I made the decision to have weight loss surgery. It hasn't worked and I am heavier now than before.

BF got a new job 6 months ago and now works opposite days to me so we rarely see each other. We text daily tho.

On Saturday evening we were getting petrol and I saw bfs car. Me and my husband were sat in the car and she walked past to go into the shop. I would of never recognised her she has lost a lot of weight and looks incredible.

She has never mentioned she has lost weight when we have spoken.

I now want to cancel as I know other friend will want to know how she's done it. OF always does the newest fad diet but like me also struggles. I don't want to hear it. My husband says I should go along and hear her out to get some tips. I shouldn't need to get any tips.

I feel her success is my failure and it would be better for me to not go.

So WIBU to cancel lunch over something so petty?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 13/06/2017 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wowfudge · 13/06/2017 09:27

Ah - I feel for you. It's not a competition though. Do you feel your friend will be unkind or gloat? It doesn't sound as though she will. It sounds as though you might benefit from psychological help with your issues.

Mulch · 13/06/2017 09:29

Oh no I feel your pain but please don't start avoiding people, you'll get there in your own time and your friends will want to celebrate your success

pinkdelight · 13/06/2017 09:39

I understand how you feel, but also think it's awful to let the issue control your life to the extent that you can't be happy for your friend without making it another reason to punish yourself for 'failing'. Cancelling lunch won't really make you feel better, will it? Maybe in the very short term, but longer term it's just giving into a whole load of negativity and even more self-loathing. Go and try to enjoy seeing your friend, and if you feel bad about anything you hear, can't you use that to motivate you in a positive way? Jealousy is awful, try not to let it win.

NarcsBegone · 13/06/2017 09:51

I am much the same, I seem unable to lose weight and for me it's like I sabotage myself. I've been in both positions. I dropped 7 stone around 8 years ago due to incredible stress, I didn't work at it it just happened and I had a friend that wouldn't listen that it was due to stress and not diet and exercise and she turned it into a competition when I started putting the weight back on she seemed happier. I am now quite big again and my friend is slim, she's worked hard to be that way and although I'm really pleased for her I feel self conscious every time I see her (and others) however the friendship is important to me and I can't blame her for being pleased with herself and wanting to talk about her journey.

Racmactac · 13/06/2017 09:54

You should be really pleased for her. She's your friend and she achieved what she set out to do.
You failed (and I have lots of sympathy) but that doesn't mean you will continue to fail.
I'm with your dh, go along and see what she says, she might have tips or encouragement that help you. From what you say she has been unkind or gloating to you.
You should look at her as positive encouragement

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2017 10:00

Yes, you would be unreasonable.

None of what you've said is within your friend's control. All she's done is changer her own body.

She doesn't deserve to have her friend cancel on her because of this.

RedastheRose · 13/06/2017 10:30

Yes UABU she has clearly worked hard to achieve what she has done but she is still your friend. You shouldn't punish her or yourself. You failed but you can try again, you know how to lose weight but lack the willpower well maybe she found something that gave her the impetus to keep going. Talking to her may inspire you to try again too.

CatsInKilts · 13/06/2017 10:59

"She has never mentioned she has lost weight when we have spoken."

This makes me think that she is a considerate friend who has prioritised your potential feelings over any wish to talk about her own achievements.

I wouldn't cancel.

Alicia555 · 13/06/2017 11:08

Use her weight loss as inspiration to get back on track with your health kick op! You'll have a nice time with your friend, don't cancel!

Belle1616 · 13/06/2017 11:22

YABU

Shes been a nice friend, your weight issues are your own.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/06/2017 11:24

Don't cancel.

Use it as a motivator - seriously. And tell her! Be the strong one - come out and say it. 'You look great. I don't mind telling you - just seeing you looking so good has really made me think this morning about how I've taken my eye off the ball - I need to get back to the gym!'

You say that and you'll know you have to do it. And she'll be impressed at your confidence.

hellobonjour · 13/06/2017 11:27

Ah I understand where you're coming from and jealousy is a common emotion.

However, she hasn't mentioned it and that to me suggests she's a pretty good friend who doesn't boast or brag. Go along and put your pride aside. Tell her how amazing her looks and get some tips.

Just remember being a wee bit jealous of someone is normal but allowing it to consume you and ruin a friendship isn't.

ChopinLisztFinder · 13/06/2017 11:32

Maybe she hasn't mentioned the weight loss as it's not important to your friendship - you could both be any size and you'd enjoy your daily texts, right? How much insulation you each have doesn't make a difference to that.

Go see her. She wants to see her friend. Go see your friend and enjoy her company.

PinkPeppers · 13/06/2017 11:32

Dont cancel.
If you do that now, you will do it again and loose a friend that you are really close to.
Please go! It will be OK esp as i suspect your friend will be careful not to hurt your feelings (esp as she never mentioned her weight loss to you)

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 13/06/2017 11:33

YABVU. You should go and you should be pleased for her. It might also inspire you to get back to weight loss through healthy eating and exercise. How would you feel if she cancelled because you haven't lost weight?

Msqueen33 · 13/06/2017 11:34

I'm the same and my weight is a big issue for me and I've found controls a large part of my life to the point I don't want to be social due to my size. I'm a size 16 but feel huge and frumpy. I have put off seeing friends because I feel embarassed so you have my sympathy.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 13/06/2017 11:35

I wouldn't cancel and you know how she lost the weight already don't you? Going to the gym and counting calories.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 13/06/2017 11:36

YABU. Basically she has got on with it, stuck to it and is looking great, you couldn't stick to it and obviously don't really want to lose weight, or talk about it so you want to cancel on your friends. That's a bit crap as it isn't their fault. Sounds like you feel guilty about not sticking to the diet and want to bury your head in the sand without facing up to it and finding out how she did it, which could help you. Which is what leads me to think you don't really want to lose it.

I had a friend like that, she would go on a diet, do really well, stop bothering, put loads back on, go on about how she was going to start it again, never stuck to it and is bigger than ever. Her issue was her heart wasn't really in it and she wasn't really that bothered. In fact I have another friend who is the same.

Original poster
SpottyDoggy345 · 13/06/2017 11:39

I know you are all correct. However I just don't have the motivation. I can keep it up for 3-4 days but just go back to old habits.

I want to loose weight desperately but the fact is I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I don't enjoy the gym. My weight loss surgery was supposed to be a easy way out and was a hasty decision. But unfortunately it's not worked. £7k down and I've gained weight. It's depressing.

She has been a good friend and often listens to my woes regarding weight but she keeps suggesting councling. I can understand why as I do have food issues but that's not a option as we are in a lot of debt due to having taken out a loan for my surgery.

I know I should go but it's been playing on my mind since seeing her.

OP posts:
JiminnyCricket · 13/06/2017 11:40

I feel for you OP I really do, but YABVU.

I've been morbidly obese all my life (first appears on my medical records at 5 years old Hmm) but began losing weight at the beginning of this year (3st down, 5 to go!). I've tried every diet known to man but this one has just clicked and is finally working. This was my last attempt, if it hadn't worked I was having surgery (i was 19st 1lb at 5ft 5 so coud have got it on the NHS in my area).

My MiL2b is also obese and struggled with her weight for about 20 years or so. We were really close and spent a lot of time together, but when my weight started shifting noticably she became really distant. I started wearing baggier clothes around her to hide my loss until one day she turned around and basically said "This is a fad diet and it will all pile back on again after the wedding, I don't see why you're even trying" Sad

It hurt because I'm losing the weight on a really sensible diet (my rate of loss is about 1.5lbs a week) and she just can't bring herself to be happy that I'm succeeding when she's not. It's shown a horrible, spiteful side to her that I can't be around so now I'm avoiding her which is such a shame. I'll see her again next week and my plan is to just change the subject every time she brings up weight/ diet. Hopefully she'll get the hint.

For you, please please please don't avoid your friend because of your issues. Take responsibiity for your mistakes and move on, it's the only way you're ever going to lose the weight.

CoughingForWeeks · 13/06/2017 11:40

YANBU for envying her weight loss, but YABU for thinking of letting it affect your friendship. She's still the same person. Go along to the lunch, have that long overdue catch up and have a great time.

lilybetsy · 13/06/2017 11:55

You dont want to lose weight desperately enough though do you? If you did you would do it....
You would be VVU to cancel on a friend just because she has more will power, or greater determination and stuck at something that you did not.
Losing weight is HARD, because it involves changing habits of a lifetime. The fact that you have ended up heavier despite surgery suggests that you are no where near the right mind set to be able to achieve this. It doesn't mean you can't get there, just that its not happened yet.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/06/2017 11:56

I shouldn't need to get any tips.

What do you mean by this? That you should know what to do, or that you shouldn't have to listen to someone talking about her weight loss?

You say the surgery didn't work. How so?

The thing is, by letting your weight control all of these other aspects of your life, you are giving it way too much power. You are still you. You need to start looking at your weight and size as one, insignificant part of you.

Get more active, drink more water, eat cleaner. Do it for no other reason than it's what everyone should be doing.

If you focus less on the scales and more on the other parts of your life; your family, your friends, your job, you WILL feel better for it.

Your friend has been there, she gets it. You know she gets it. Don't let it be an obstacle, and don't let it be the elephant in the room.

Congratulate her sincerely, listen if she wants to talk about it, and then move on to other subjects.

Life is WAY too short to put that much importance on it, and jealousy is so very ugly and unhealthy.

chumpchange · 13/06/2017 11:56

True friends are priceless OP.

Perhaps it would be better for the two of you to meet up without your other friend, if you think that the conversation will be easier for you in that way.

Personally I think you should discuss it with her. Not because she 'owes you anything', but because I think openness is always the best way forward. I'm sure she'd be devastated if you just dropped her, and if you're true friends then you owe it to her to be open about how you're feeling. Yes YABU, but feelings are what they are, so rather than resisting them why not go with them and be honest with your friend?