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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not donate to her moving house?

56 replies

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 13/06/2017 05:32

A friend that I went to school with is pregnant, and having to move out due to overcrowding (2 primary aged children already)
They are not well off at all, and people are rallying round to help find them a new home before their baby is due in September.
We were part of a group of about 8 girls at school who have stayed friends, and the other girls are making a big effort to collect money together to help fund the deposit on somewhere new, and all the moving costs.
I do think this is lovely, but on the other hand they have just started loaning a horse for their eldest DD! It's not uncommon in our area for people to be stupidly poor and still keep horses, they're mad about them round here, but I think it's bonkers to take on that financial responsibility when you know you have a new baby and imminent house move that you can't afford?!
I've just said I can't afford it right now (Which is true, DP and I have had some issues lately and are paying for private therapy), and have donated a load of DDs baby things, but the other girls are making me out to be heartless for not giving at least £100 to the deposit fund!
AIBU to not give? I'm worried about our friendship group going forward if not, and she is a lovely person, but if you can pay for a horse surely you can sort your own moving costs?

OP posts:

londonrach · 13/06/2017 05:35

Yanbu. Very strange getting friends to pay. Id question if they real friends if thry dont understand you cant afford it. Im surprised thry paying £100 each.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/06/2017 05:50

I'm with you. Horses can cost hundreds each month - field, food, care.

Be like a broken record with your friends. Be warm but firm. Tell them you've given her baby clothes and will keep passing things down as your child grows out of them but don't have a spare 100. Even if you could afford it, you don't have to give it anyway! You don't have to explain yourself either.

I think it's very poor form to keep pressing someone for cash. What sort of friend does that. She's so zoomed in on on the pregnant friends needs and not thinking that other people might have stuff on too.

I know someone who keeps three horses and claims poverty. She generally lives like someone with much more money and I regularly advise her to sell them. My friend rides them daily but she needs to find a cheaper hobby or a cheaper way of riding.

Marmalady75 · 13/06/2017 05:51

YANBU. I for one would not be giving them a penny.

pigeondujour · 13/06/2017 05:56

Contributing for someone to move to a bigger house? Really really odd. I think my friendship with someone who accepted donations from other people's families for that would really suffer.

onalongsabbatical · 13/06/2017 05:58

Don't let them guilt trip you into giving money you don't want to give. I quite agree about the horse. Whole thing sounds bonkers to me.

RuggerHug · 13/06/2017 05:59

Yanbu. Fuck no would I be handing over money to her. Where do people get these ideas?

Nquartz · 13/06/2017 06:03

No way. Be a broken record - we can't afford it, I'll carry on handing down clothes/toys etc (if you want to, you're under no obligation to even do that).
Very odd, they need to look at their spending priorities rather than relying on friends to pay their house deposit!

MrsTrentReznor · 13/06/2017 06:13

I have one of these on Facebook.
Has to crowdfund to move home, but just had yet another baby.
I ignore the plea for cash. Just don't engage.

whattodowiththepoo · 13/06/2017 06:17

If they had asked for the money for themselves I would be judging the living fuck out of them but since others are doing it for them I'd just refuse to contribute and be polite.

Ifailed · 13/06/2017 06:24

They sound very entitled, why were they even TTC when they knew they would be overcrowded?

sparkleandsunshine · 13/06/2017 06:26

Very weird, and if I was the one moving I would really struggle to take the charity from my friends anyway. Your friends shouldn't be pressuring you tho, that's wrong, do not give in.

If I was you and it all went belly up because I wouldn't pay then I would happily point out how many hundreds a year they are spending on this horse. PRIOTITIES.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/06/2017 06:28

How odd. It would never occur to me to expect a friend to fund because I am. My business is just that, mine. Just keep repeating you'd love to help but you can't right now. If they really insist you have two choices, keep repeating no or make up a ficitcious bill (big boiler repair, £1k car repair etc) to avoid talking about the therapy, which they will probably tell you to forgo for a couple of weeks.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 13/06/2017 06:29

What does 'overcrowded' mean in this case OP ?
What is their current home like?

SouthernNorthernGirl · 13/06/2017 06:30

Oh. also YANBU OP. It all bonkers!

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 13/06/2017 06:32

Why would you fund someone else's stupidity. If they didn't have the room why are they having another baby? If they had an accident they should be cutting their cloth accordingly. What next. Paying for a tropical holiday for the 3td child as the parents can't afford to take him or her? Yes to getting rid of the pony. They can't affford it financiallly or timewiss

SnugglyBedSocks · 13/06/2017 06:35

I know someone who keeps three horses and claims poverty

Having 3 horses is why she is skint so she wouldn't be claiming poverty and telling her to sell them is the same as telling a dog owner to get rid of their dog. It's part of the family.

Anyway I digress

OP - YANBU. Do not pay out at all. A loan horse is a luxury and depending on the arrangement can still cost ££ each month.

GreatFuckability · 13/06/2017 06:40

In fairness to the woman we don't know if a) she has any hand in this collection or b) was even actively TTC or not. so judging her is not very fair IMO.

That said, if you don't want/can't afford to contribute then that is totally fine.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/06/2017 06:48

Okay. My DCs have been begging me for a cat or dog for months. You know why I haven't? Because I'm currently waiting on an appeal for ESA and I simply can't afford it. What happens when the cat or dog gets poorly and needs the vets and I haven't got the money? I know how expensive this things are, my BF ended up paying over £100 in vet visits and medicines when her dog had an eye infection! Imagine how much more keeping a horse costs along with the other vet fees!

OP YNBU. I'd simply say "I can't afford it" and keep sticking to it. Don't let them make you feel bad about it.

Crunchymum · 13/06/2017 06:52

What exactly does overcrowded mean for this friend OP? Kids won't have a room each or all 5 of them are sleeping in one room?

I've found myself pregnant (completely unplanned) and this will out us into overcrowded territory.

However we will deal with it as best we can and move when we have the ability to do so (when I go back to work after ML)

Never would I dream of a) pleading poverty as we aren't on the breadline, we have a home and all we need b) expect any one else to bail us out (hand me downs very welcome of course)

I'll give the pregnant friend the benefit of the doubt and assume she isn't the one organising the collection but you need to stand your ground OP.

Original poster

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 13/06/2017 06:53

Thank you everyone... So pleased it's not just me that thinks it's all bonkers!
I feel a bit pressured because I sort of started it all... In that I said we should see how much of our old baby things we could get together so that they didn't have to spend lots of money on baby things when they'd obviously have house moving costs. So now when I'm saying I can't give money to the deposit fund a couple of them are like "but this was your idea!"
The baby was unplanned. She had an implant and didn't find out until she was almost 5 months pregnant when she went to the doctors worried that she was putting on so much weight. Their house is tiny, the DDs room is a single room so they have bunk beds, wardrobe in the hall, drawers in the lounge... Their own bedroom is pretty much taken up by their bed, honestly I've no idea where they would put a baby!
I do feel bad, but you have to make sacrifices when you've got a baby! We did, and we didn't even have a horse.

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 13/06/2017 06:54

YANBU

It'd be over my dead body before I gave them any money.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/06/2017 06:56

Tell your friends your saving for a horse so you can ride with pregnant friend

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/06/2017 07:02

You offered to get some clothes together. Not give cash. Even if you did offer to give cash, you can change your mind. Situations change.

Next time ask them why they keep pressurising you when you've said you can't. Tell them you won't be bullied into donating.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/06/2017 07:05

If you must, Contact the pregnant friend and apologise for not being able to give cash for the rent. Tell her you hope the clothes are handy though.

Ifailed · 13/06/2017 07:06

Squishedstrawberry4

or offer a bale of hay?

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