Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not donate to her moving house?

56 replies

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 13/06/2017 05:32

A friend that I went to school with is pregnant, and having to move out due to overcrowding (2 primary aged children already)
They are not well off at all, and people are rallying round to help find them a new home before their baby is due in September.
We were part of a group of about 8 girls at school who have stayed friends, and the other girls are making a big effort to collect money together to help fund the deposit on somewhere new, and all the moving costs.
I do think this is lovely, but on the other hand they have just started loaning a horse for their eldest DD! It's not uncommon in our area for people to be stupidly poor and still keep horses, they're mad about them round here, but I think it's bonkers to take on that financial responsibility when you know you have a new baby and imminent house move that you can't afford?!
I've just said I can't afford it right now (Which is true, DP and I have had some issues lately and are paying for private therapy), and have donated a load of DDs baby things, but the other girls are making me out to be heartless for not giving at least £100 to the deposit fund!
AIBU to not give? I'm worried about our friendship group going forward if not, and she is a lovely person, but if you can pay for a horse surely you can sort your own moving costs?

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 13/06/2017 07:09

I think some of the comments on this thread are disgusting. This woman hasn't asked anyone for anything. A group of friends very kindly are offering to help her out. The OP isn't in a position to do so. The only people doing anything wrong are the friends who keep pressing the issue, NOT the woman who had the baby. she isnt demanding the OP's money!

metalmum15 · 13/06/2017 07:09

Funding someone's house move? How bizarre. I fancy a bigger house, wonder if my friends are up for rallying round some cash.

metalmum15 · 13/06/2017 07:09

Funding someone's house move? How bizarre. I fancy a bigger house, wonder if my friends are up for rallying round some cash.

Mamabear14 · 13/06/2017 07:13

Why don't they put bunk beds in the bedroom and get a sofa bed? Then the kids can go to bed before the adults? And baby can have a cot in the living room with them.
We had to do it for almost 2 years. I couldn't be having a bedroom and making the kids sleep in the living room though.
And don't give any money! I've had horses when I was younger, my mum still does. They cost a fortune! They could get rid of that and save a deposit in a few months from what they would save in livery/feed/farrier/worming.

Roussette · 13/06/2017 07:15

The woman might not have asked for anything but I would be straightaway putting a stop to my friends doing that. I would be mortified. I would thank them for their kind thoughts but tell them we will manage and that I'm happy with any hand me downs they don't want. If you let your friends do this, you are complicit.

And yes .. to have a horse is a luxury.

Crunchymum · 13/06/2017 07:16

Surely they can fit a crib / cot somewhere?

They can move into living room, dd's have the bigger room and baby in small room?

It can be done. We lived many years 6 if us in a 2 bed.

ptumbi · 13/06/2017 07:21

OP - if you can't afford £100, you don't give it.

Regardless of if she has a horse!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 13/06/2017 07:25

YANBU in the slightest. If they need to move then they should be paying that themselves even if it means giving up luxuries. I'd be rethinking any friendship with a person that let or accepted her friends bankrolling her choices.

raindropstea · 13/06/2017 07:27

Am I missing something here? Children can share a room. Do they only have 2 bedrooms? A baby doesn't take up that much space. My mum and her 2 sisters shared a room the entire time they were growing up while her brother got the other room to himself.

They shouldn't be making you feel bad about not donating. That's just wrong. People need to get their priorities straight. I am an animal lover, but what they are doing is unreasonable with a new baby coming along.

Fliptopdustbinlid · 13/06/2017 07:40

I wouldnt give her any cash at all, BUT loaning a horse dosent always have to involve any costs, i for one have horses, and i part loaned mine out for free, no costs involved, but stable duties only which your friend 'might' be doing.
Horses are incredibly expensive, i dont live a lavish lifestyle at all, but once you have had a horse for many years (mine ive had for 19 years) its not so easy to just give up/get rid of it x

PossumInAPearTree · 13/06/2017 07:43

May end she could sue the implant manufacturer? I know someone who successfully sued for a failed sterilisation. Anything seems possible these days!

Iris65 · 13/06/2017 07:43

I agree with those who posted 'just say no'. If they want explanations (which they are NOT entitled to) say 'We can't afford it right now.'

cakecakecheese · 13/06/2017 07:43

That's unfortunate that a lovely gesture for you has now ended up with you being pressured for money. It is nice that these people want to help, although I do have to agree with you about the horse, but nagging you once you've said no isn't on. Next time you're pressed say you can't afford it so if they want to do a whip round for you also then you'll take it Grin

WhatThePuck · 13/06/2017 07:47

When will some people understand that kids are a financial commitment on their own ?
Regardless of horses or not I would not contribute a penny
They should've put a sock on it as they should've realised they needed more space and couldn't afford it
😡

witsender · 13/06/2017 07:49

Have you read the thread puck?

rollonthesummer · 13/06/2017 07:56

I feel a bit pressured because I sort of started it all... In that I said we should see how much of our old baby things we could get together so that they didn't have to spend lots of money on baby things when they'd obviously have house moving costs. So now when I'm saying I can't give money to the deposit fund a couple of them are like "but this was your idea!

I find it difficult to believe that your friends can't see the difference between giving a pregnant friend your old unwanted baby equipment/clothes and paying someone's house deposit and moving costs?!

Unless you suggested giving her hard cash-this wasn't your idea, was it?!

expatinscotland · 13/06/2017 08:04

YANBU. Keep repeating, 'I can't afford to give any cash.'

Thinkingblonde · 13/06/2017 08:04

Does the pregnant friend know about the fund? I'd be annoyed with the others if I was her, they have taken a lot of liberties, it smacks of Lady Bountiful thinking. Lady from the Big House throwing crumbs to the plebs.

A bigger house usually comes with bigger rental costs, are they going to fund the extra rent going forward.
Tell them no, and you won't enter into any further discussion about it. Ask them if they'll donate towards your housing costs if you fall short on the mortgage/rent due to donating to the fund.
Donating baby clothes is one thing but these women have taken a lot on themselves.

NormaSmuff · 13/06/2017 08:10

*know someone who keeps three horses and claims poverty

Having 3 horses is why she is skint so she wouldn't be claiming poverty and telling her to sell them is the same as telling a dog owner to get rid of their dog. It's part of the family.*

But people in poverty do have to make sacrifices and family pets can be passed to someone else.

however you have given your old clothes. that is all you can afford. why should you get into debt?

Greenifer · 13/06/2017 09:12

In their shoes, I'd get rid of the horses asap. The baby can be in with them for the first year or so. Without the cost of the horses, this will give them plenty of time to save for a deposit for a bigger place. It's very nice of your other friends to try to help but your pregnant friend should not be prioritising horses over adequate living space for her family.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/06/2017 09:26

I think some of the comments on this thread are disgusting. This woman hasn't asked anyone for anything. A group of friends very kindly are offering to help her out. The OP isn't in a position to do so.

Well she's not exactly saying no is she? I dont like taking charity. Because I dont like my friends to feel obliged they've got to help me because I'm poor. Its not their fault. It's no more their obligation than it is mine to them.

HappyLabrador · 13/06/2017 09:30

Funding someone else's house move? Stuff that.

I wouldn't give a penny, horse or no horse.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 13/06/2017 09:43

Another one who would not be contributing.

indigox · 13/06/2017 09:48

What a ridiculous idea, there's absolutely no way I'd be funding someone else's house move.

Flumplet · 13/06/2017 12:49

How kind and generous of your friends, but really not anyone else's responsibility to put a room over their heads. If they are overcrowded already and couldn't afford to move they should have taken better precautions - and yes accidents happen but I would never hope for anyone else to sort that out for me. In fact I think I'd be a bit embarrassed thinking about it.