My parents visit all the time and make me miserable

[Nurse15]

Help me out here mn, are my parents being assholes or am I being a hormonal mess?

History - I don't have a good relationship with my parents, usually better with my dad than my mum but contact is limited. They had me when they where 17 and made no attempt to hide the fact that I was unplanned and unwanted. Here in NI abortion isn't an option but if it was I suspect it would have been used. When I was growing up I was often treated like an inconvenience and basics nurturing just didn't happen. I had a very lonely childhood but thankfully had a wonderful granny who looked after me a lot. They never had any more children.

I'm now 27, happily married with a good job and home. I've just had my first baby and their only grandchild. From my baby has been born I've had no help or support along the way from either set of grandparents. My dh's visit once a week, hold the baby and say how cute she is and give her back. This is where the AIBU begins. My parents regularly rock up unannounced (5 times last week) come into our house without knocking the door. I have a colicky baby who screams from 5-10pm usually and it's always during this period. Last night they did the usual. I had just got the baby settled on my chest in my bedroom with the lights off. Gave her twenty minutes to settle but felt I had to take her down to see them as they'd visitors. She started screaming again. My parents proceeded to start telling me all the things I was doing wrong with her. "Let her cry it out she's just spoilt" "that baby needs a bottle shoved in its mouth" "you can't let her rule you" "you need to get out with her more". My mother took her off me despite the fact that the baby was showing hunger cues and is breastfed. She wouldn't give me her back and proceeded to try and wind her making her scream more. Cue me having a massive breakdown into tears and telling them not to bother coming to visit anymore. Was IBU? This episode has really annoyed me but basically shows the lack of any compassion or parenting skills that I always knew my parents didn't have. Now that I have my own baby I can't believe they treated me the way they did. So what should I do? I am tempted to discontinue all contact with them from now on.

One last thing OP. People with nice parents can't usually even understand that parents can be shit to their kids. They will try to support you by saying how they would deal with a problem with their own, reasonable parents. They may get upset if you say you are considering low or no contact. Not their fault but if you have lovely parents of course that is a horrible idea. If you don't have lovely parents it is a whole other thing.

This, exactly.

I had shitty parents. No, they didn't smack me about or anything - but they were fair weather friends to me, unsupportive, generally ill-informed and disinterested, casually cruel when they fancied it, had no insight into how a child's mind works and were just generally shit.

I'm not in contact with them, and not over any real major fall out. It was just easy to drift away from them because I have pretty much no real feelings for them, or ever did. They did a lot of emotional damage, clearly! I don't miss them at all. Now I'm NC, I can see how much better my life in general is without them - and more honest.

Actually you have already told them not to come back.
Do they have a key ? If so get it off them, if not lock your doors.
You sound a great mum and I know its much harder to do that when you have had no decent role models

Sorry for not replying until now - colicky baby!!

I'm so glad I posted this as until now my dh hasn't particularly acknowledged how terrible they are and I suppose I played their treatment down somewhat in order to have some relationship with them despite me never enjoying it. As you have all pointed out it's very hard for people with good parents to understand. I have had no contact from them after last night and certainly won't be initiating it. They live 3 miles away so quite close. They don't have a key thankfully and I am planning on locking the door when we're at home (and when we're not obviously!!) and ignoring them if they call at all. My baby doesn't deserve this and doesn't need a relationship with them when she won't gain anything from it. She's too precious to put through it!!

Thank you all - I have been overwhelmed by the support you've all given and insights provided - it's amazing how many people had similar experiences I am quite shocked and saddened by it! At least we all know what not to do to our wee ones. I'm so lucky in that I have some lovely older work colleagues who would happily do things and give me support that my mother never would. Nurses are the best

I think I will eventually go NC with my parents - having had my own child really makes me realise what they have done to me over the years is crazy.

Thanks again for the support to see the wood from the trees as the saying goes - you guys are fucking class!!

OP my sympathy and all the cups of tea. My mother was also 17 when I was born. Also never really took to parenting and was actually abusive . I was fine with all of their kids ruin your life "banter" until I had my own children at 30 (32 and 41) I realised it was them, resenting me. It hurt a lot that they never felt that way toward me.
I have distanced myself from them significantly. I've not gone NC as that would give my mother in particular drama to feed on and she'd be pulling ridiculous stunts in the street or such.
Look up 'greyrock'. I've closed down a lot and i feel more able to tolerate them as a result.
You don't need advice from them. Get some strict boundaries (use the colic thing say you're keeping a strict bedtime routine or such - but ideally don't give a reason. Just guideline times and that they need to get in touch first.)