My parents visit all the time and make me miserable

[Nurse15]

Help me out here mn, are my parents being assholes or am I being a hormonal mess?

History - I don't have a good relationship with my parents, usually better with my dad than my mum but contact is limited. They had me when they where 17 and made no attempt to hide the fact that I was unplanned and unwanted. Here in NI abortion isn't an option but if it was I suspect it would have been used. When I was growing up I was often treated like an inconvenience and basics nurturing just didn't happen. I had a very lonely childhood but thankfully had a wonderful granny who looked after me a lot. They never had any more children.

I'm now 27, happily married with a good job and home. I've just had my first baby and their only grandchild. From my baby has been born I've had no help or support along the way from either set of grandparents. My dh's visit once a week, hold the baby and say how cute she is and give her back. This is where the AIBU begins. My parents regularly rock up unannounced (5 times last week) come into our house without knocking the door. I have a colicky baby who screams from 5-10pm usually and it's always during this period. Last night they did the usual. I had just got the baby settled on my chest in my bedroom with the lights off. Gave her twenty minutes to settle but felt I had to take her down to see them as they'd visitors. She started screaming again. My parents proceeded to start telling me all the things I was doing wrong with her. "Let her cry it out she's just spoilt" "that baby needs a bottle shoved in its mouth" "you can't let her rule you" "you need to get out with her more". My mother took her off me despite the fact that the baby was showing hunger cues and is breastfed. She wouldn't give me her back and proceeded to try and wind her making her scream more. Cue me having a massive breakdown into tears and telling them not to bother coming to visit anymore. Was IBU? This episode has really annoyed me but basically shows the lack of any compassion or parenting skills that I always knew my parents didn't have. Now that I have my own baby I can't believe they treated me the way they did. So what should I do? I am tempted to discontinue all contact with them from now on.

These people are toxic.

It would be in both yours and your child's best interest to cut them out of your life. You don't owe them anything, least of all the chance to be their punching bag.

The first thing I would do is lock your door at all times, and simply not answer when they do come around.

My parents proceeded to start telling me all the things I was doing wrong with her. "Let her cry it out she's just spoilt"

Anyone who thinks/says this about a newborn baby is clearly off their rocker. Please don't let your child become another victim of the vile excuse of their version of (non) parenting.

I have a mother who doesn't nuture and is quite offensive. It is hard to go no contact. I did it for three months once after a horrible incident with her and it was bliss for me not having to put up with her.

Bit I would pit new locks. Keep your distance. Reduce visits and tell them you're busy (in a text if need be)

Have they contacted you since you sent them packing?

I agree with everyone else: you need to do things to stop them treating you and your baby like this. They sound awful!

First, tell them you don't have time for visits more than once a week or once a fortnight, and that you don't want them dropping in unannounced anymore. Then you'll have to keep your doors and windows locked when you're at home (and change the locks if they have their own key), and if they turn up just ignore them. You don't have to hide from them: if they can see you living in your own home that's fine. They will know you've told them not to drop in, so if they complain you can remind them of this, and then change the subject.

But I do think there's a worse problem here. They're bullies. Telling you to let a baby cry like that is awful. Taking your baby from you? That's just wrong. If it happens again don't let them get away with it. Take your baby back and tell them to leave.

I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you. But if you don't stand up to them now things can only get worse, I'm afraid.

Congratulations and well done on being a great mum already. Lock your doors and give them a strict weekly visiting time, preferably when your DH is home so that he can support you if your DM makes unreasonable and unkind comments. If that doesn't work out for you then maybe going NC is the better option. Sounds like you are going to be a lovely mum despite them setting very poor examples.

Having your own children can make you re-evaluate everything you went through as a child. My relationship with my parents has deteriorated over the years since have DC as the resentment of how rubbish they were as parents grows with each different stage my DC go through. If your parents have no positive impact on your life I would definitely take the opportunity to go nc now, save the years of aggro that you know will happen. If you know they'll never change, you have nothing to lose. Having children means that you have someone that needs protecting and thinking of before all else. Be selfish, think of your OWN family now.

Tell them to stop it.
You have the power.
You can do this.

Lock the door, and don't answer. They must live near by to do this.

Also Texted them and say Sorry but if you can't be bothered to check if it is OK to visit, then please wait till your invited.

Keep your keys in the lock, so they can't just walk in

Keep the door locked, change the locks if they have a key. They'll get the message. Do this for your daughter if not for yourself.

You've told them not to come visiting anymore. That's great. You said it in the height of emotion and you either will be passively aggressively ignored or they'll do the wounded parents number until you back down. So time for action and big girl pants.

What about sending them a text (as others have suggested) telling them the HV has told you how to handle your baby and you will only be accepting guests on x day at x time. Because you're deferring to a person with higher knowledge and qualifications, they will probably back down. I know it's fibbing and needs addressing in future but I don't think now is the time to handle them as you've got a lot on your plate.

And change the locks. Definitely.

They won't change OP - go NC is my advice and begin to live your own life with your DP and DD

What does your DH think to all this? Dont feel you "have" to bring the baby down to see them. Do they live really near you? Am wondering if in a warped sense, they are trying to be parents to your DD because they were not successful in parenting you. Sounds like my MIL, (she walked out on her kids, when they were young, went off with another man) when they finally allowed her back into their lives many years later, she was the same, apart from march in the door, we now do not speak to her, havent done for may a year, DH finally saw the light, ended her bullying, over us.

you don't owe them anything you know. they may have provided you with food and accommodation, but you have a right to that as a child. you didn't ask to be born. seems to me they failed to provide you with love and support and in fact actively trying to bring you down.

you don't owe them access to your life, to your dc, to your home, or to your attention. all that belongs to your own family (dh and dc).

i would seriously consider nc, this is an awful environment to be in with a colicky baby. do it if not for yourself, for your child and future happiness.

You simply must put them in their place, and that is not around your precious baby.
It's time to bite the bullet and tell it to them like it is, "you treated me like shit, well you're not going to do it to my precious baby".
They should be helping you with non baby related chores like housework, shopping and making you delicious meals to allow you to care for the baby. That's what most normal grandparents do in my experience.

Why on earth should she say "Love your visits but..." when she clearly and understandably loathes their visits?

OP this isn't just hormonal sensitivity. These people were horrible parents and are proving themselves to be horrible grandparents. They are stressing out the baby's mother and distressing the "spoilt" baby on purpose. By what miracle do people think that they will drop this behaviour when the baby turns into a toddler and child and is aware of their criticism of both her mother and her at every turn?

Obviously babies and children should only have weekly exposure to emotionally abusive people [eyeroll].

Congratulations on your daughter and for managing to survive your parents without following their pattern of abuse. Your instincts are bang on, I'd either cut them off, or explain why you don't want them in your daughter's life but express willingness to meet up every few weeks for a catch-up outside the house at a Costa or something when you can leave the baby with a trusted carer. - If you want to. See how that goes down. I doubt there's much in them for seeing the daughter whose childhood they already wasted, its the squishy, tiny blank canvas that is the draw.

Well fuck them!

Also OP, over time, you might also find the 'Stately Homes' threads on here helpful to talk about your own relationship with them- look in MN relationships section. So sorry your parents have got form for this. You are right to look to make a big change though for you and the baby.

You need to sit them down and explain that they visit too much and disrupt your routine.

I'd suggest a set time and day for a visit, perhaps once a week. If they wish to visit in addition to the weekly visit then they need to phone beforehand to check that it's convenient.

You need to be firm and if they start popping in unannounced again you meet them at the door and say it's not a good time and don't let them in.

I suspect you aren't very assertive and battle to stand up to them, well you need to toughen up now it's not just you who is suffering it's your DC now, who is clearly suffering from the disrupted routine. Time to let your inner lioness out.

One last thing OP. People with nice parents can't usually even understand that parents can be shit to their kids. They will try to support you by saying how they would deal with a problem with their own, reasonable parents. They may get upset if you say you are considering low or no contact. Not their fault but if you have lovely parents of course that is a horrible idea. If you don't have lovely parents it is a whole other thing.

Yanbu though I suspect your parents will badger and bully you into believing you are. You need to put your key in the lock if you can't change them and be honest with them.

Why would you listen to then given the shit job they did? I'd point this out. Your dc will thank you for it when older.

Prune that is sooo true. Very hard to imagine not liking your parents if you've had a pretty good childhood.

I agree Prune. In my case my parents died a long time ago and OH's family live too far away to just pop in, so it is an issue I have never had to deal with.

I just want to give you a massive hug. What a collection of cretins. All credit to you for being such a great mum despite all the undermining which is going on here. They sound insensitive, selfish and crass. I agree you need to lay down boundaries. Ask them not to come over unless you have previously agreed a visit, don't answer the door if necessary. Unfortunately people like this don't care much about other people's feelings and they will probably continue to do their toxic stuff. You have to find ways to contain/control/manage it somehow, maybe with our partners help? You need to stand together and be firm and remember that you are doing a fantastic job. It must be really hard for you with such an unsupportive and toxic family.

You were NOT being unreasonable at all.

Well done on screaming at them - you've made the first step now - don't go backwards.

I'd go NC happily. They sound terrible, and you'd be fully justified in contacting them and saying that what happened last night has been a long time brewing, you've never had a good relationship with them and you're more than ready to let it go now if on top of every shitty thing they've done in the past they're now going to start criticising your parenting when they were absolutely fucking awful parents themselves.

Remember - they are not going to change - and you have a baby now. This is just the start. All that criticising, letting down ,undermining, bringing in negativity - they're going to do that to your baby and your family. Worse, they'll want to be there for all the happy stuff - the Christmases, the birthday parties - and they'll carp and spoil and take the pleasure in that away from you.

Seriously, if you want to cut them out - now is the time to do it, while your baby is tiny. If not - be warned - watch them and how they continue to interact with you over the baby and please, don't give them many chances more to fuck things up for oyu at what shoudl be a happy time.

For now, though-
-door locked
-as blunt as you can manage
-don't contact them first
-pull them up on everything. 'This is our baby so we'll do it our way.'

They are utterly toxic.i would certainly go NC with them, you don't owe them a thing!