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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I didn't feel hurt by friendship issues at my age?!

34 replies

Howdoichangethis · 12/06/2017 15:21

I'll start this off by saying I'm normally a fairly level headed woman in my mid 30's and wish I didn't feel like this! So I have preschool aged twins and when they were very small I made friends with two other mums who live locally, called H and K. Both H and K have a similar aged child to my two as well as an older primary school child. When our children were small we spent a lot of time together and also all worked part time on the same days so are all always around on a Monday and Friday. Over the past few months H and K have become friendly with another mum A who again has a primary school aged child and a pre schooler. It seems that my place in our friendship group has been taken by A and I am frequently not invited to things. The three of them visit each other's houses every Friday after school pick up and we are never invited. I was however graciously told by H how nice it would once my two start school as then we'd be able to join them on a Friday! I have today been to drop something off to K and found the three of them all there. I wish it didn't bother me and I wish I could rise past it but I just feel so hurt. These were two of my closest friends and we're meant to be going away with K and her family this weekend. We were messaging last night so there was ample opportunity for her to invite me this morning. I've always tried to be a good friend and whilst I'm past wanting to be invited I'm sad at being excluded. I'm in my mid 30's FGS and thought my days of feeling like this were well past me.

OP posts:
TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 12/06/2017 15:33

Sorry you are upset, it does all seem very playground-esque! Why can you only join them once your DC are at school? I don't really have any advice because I would be upset too in the circumstances, but I wanted to reassure you that it is ok to be feeling the way you do, you don't get immune to hurt just because you are a grown up! Flowers for you.

User843022 · 12/06/2017 15:36

It is awful to feel left out, we never seem to grow out of it unfortunately.
As H mentioned it would be nice once your dc start school for you to join them though, they must just see this an adults only meet up. People are weird.

If you're going away on holiday with k you must be good friends though? just say I'll come along next fri should I?

punicorn · 12/06/2017 15:41

It never gets any better, no matter how old you get Flowers. Just a thought though....maybe as their older kids are all the same age they get together after school for them, rather than have the house over-run with toddlers? Still sucks though xx

Original poster
Howdoichangethis · 12/06/2017 15:44

Thanks. The Friday thing isn't an adults only thing, they meet up straight from school and then their partners join then when they get home from work. I think it's sadly just simply a case of them not wanting us to join them. I have no idea why our social value will be deemed to have risen suitably though once my DTD's start school. Hmm I don't feel like I can invite myself along though. When the subject came up with H at Easter I said we'd live to join them one Friday and to just let me know. No invites have been forthcoming. I know I need to just move past it and I will but I never expected to feel so hurt by it all.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 12/06/2017 15:45

I agree, too, it is upsetting. I would feel weird about K, too.
before creating reason for you not to come they should invite you first. not sincere to me.
it looks like you gave too much importance to them and now you hurt.
time will heal.

nina2b · 12/06/2017 15:49

Perhaps they are entering their second childhood. As for going away with the K person, I would pull out. That will let her know how you feel.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 12/06/2017 15:49

Isn't it going to be really awkward going away with her now? I would not be able to not mention it to her if I were you, but that may not be the best thing to do. Are you still intending to go?

dontpokethebear · 12/06/2017 15:50

I'm glad you have posted this. I feel exactly the same when I feel I have been left out of something.
I realise that it's slightly ridiculous, but it does sting a bit.

Lightpurpletulip · 12/06/2017 15:50

Poor you. I'd feel the same. It's quite thoughtless of them.
The same thing has happened to me and I drifted away from the group because it made me feel shitty.
Not to say you should do the same. You are clearly close with K if you have a trip planned together.
Nevertheless, I might be inclined to stay open to new friendships developing with other mums/ladies you have something in common with.

humblesims · 12/06/2017 15:54

Do you know, this shit doesnt change as you get older. I have a group of about half a dozen friends and a couple of them are fucking hard work. They are like children and need attention the whole time. Talk about passive agressive. Cant even go into detail as I know one of them is on MN but shit we are in our 50's!!

oliversmummy21 · 12/06/2017 15:59

If it was me I'd invite the lot of them around to mine and see what happens and see what the atmosphere is like, you'll be able to establish whether they want you around if they bother to show.

Alternatively confide in K, if your concerns get out and you're mocked, you've got to question yourself to whether or not you want them in your life.

BackforGood · 12/06/2017 16:04

I would just assume they were in the playground together, then someone said 'Oh, do you want to come back for a cuppa' and it's developed into a habit. You weren't in the playground, so didn't happen to be part of the spoken, off the cuff invitation.
I really think you are reading too much into it.
Lets look from another perspective. You say you are going away with one of them soon. If everyone thought like you, then couldn't that be perceived as a massive snub to the other one?

All friends - grown ups and dcs - can do things in 2s, in 3s, in 4s, as part of one group and/ or as part of another group. All groups do not cross over. Being friends with someone doesn't mean they aren't allowed to do something without inviting you.

bimbobaggins · 12/06/2017 16:09

It's not a nice feeling being left out of something no matter what age you are. is there one of the original pair that you are closer to that you can ask, especially as it's only since A joined the group.

VestalVirgin · 12/06/2017 16:09

When I was younger I would have said to cancel the trip and find other friends.

Now that I've experienced quite how hard it is to find friends ... stick around, but withdraw emotional investment, and try to find other friends you can count on.

Apparently they keep you around to have someone to fill the gaps if needed; you can treat them the same.

LagunaBubbles · 12/06/2017 16:13

I would ask H what the problem is, explaining how you feel. It is not childish to feel hurt at being left out of something.

MiaZadora · 12/06/2017 16:15

Ive a decade older and still upset at being excluded. Does it ever end? Only when you stop needing friends.

GreenRut · 12/06/2017 16:21

Op is it because all their primary aged children are all in the same year or class? And maybe they see it as a bit of a parents group only for children that age?

The fact you are going away with one of them shortly suggests she still considers you a good friend.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/06/2017 16:26

My first impulse here would be to think "does A not like me?"
If you were good friends with H&K before she came along, and now you're being excluded, I would put at least some of it down to her, and whether or not she considered me a friend.
And on what you've said so far, that would be a No.

Don't pull out of the weekend with K, I think that's cutting off your nose to spite your face - maybe use it as a time to re-connect with her and she might spill the reason for your current "exclusion".

UrsulaPandress · 12/06/2017 16:33

Maybe they are just thoughtless - if they see each at school pick up and see the get together as an extension of that - and inviting someone not at the school gate would seem odd.

I have an old friend who lives quite close to me. When DD was little and I was on maternity leave I pushed the pram to my mums and left dd there and walked to friend's house to drop off a birthday card. It was so bloody embarrassing as she was having a lunch get together with some of her schoolgate friends with their toddlers. Of course she had to invite me in but it felt really awkward.

Desperad0 · 12/06/2017 16:34

How does your partner get on with the group?

Cantusethatname · 12/06/2017 16:35

My best friend had twins.
Much as I loved her and loved her company I did sometimes not look forward to the twins' visits. Twins do make (more than) twice the mess and my lovely friend was so used to the havoc they caused that she didn't notice. I used to try to meet at hers...

Her twins were and are great kids and I'm sure yours are too. It just may be that.

MiaZadora · 12/06/2017 16:38

I'm beginning to think that inviting people out in the evening is a good test of how highly they value the friendship.

ChameFangeNail · 12/06/2017 16:41

I would just assume they were in the playground together, then someone said 'Oh, do you want to come back for a cuppa' and it's developed into a habit. You weren't in the playground, so didn't happen to be part of the spoken, off the cuff invitation.

This is exactly what I assumed.

Also she basically said you could join in once your two are at school. Which I guess is a bit odd but definitely an individual that this all started at school and continues from there.

You're being a tad over sensitive.

technicolour · 12/06/2017 16:46

I think the Friday meet up is probably for the benefit of the older children- like a play date, but a bit of a parent get together too. They probably talk a lot about school stuff and school gossip because they have that in common. The only reason you're not invited is because you don't have an older child and won't be able to join in with the school chat.

GreenTulips · 12/06/2017 16:48

We had a recent parents night out where only 'year 6' parents were invited - this left several friends out and I thought it was really mean and dropped outb- either you are friends or you aren't

But bare in mind when your two start school you will also have a different social circle

AND how many mums have you over looked in favour of these 3?