To not call an auntie, "Auntie"

[Faraway33]

So my cousin who is late 30s has started referring to my mum by her 1st name rather than calling her Auntie Sarah, she's dropped the Auntie prefix and just called her Sarah.

My mum is furious and thinks it's disrespectful and rude. I personally think it's not a big deal. My mum says she's not interested in my cousin anymore and that she's too big for her boots. I think my mum needs to calm down. My cousin is otherwise kind, respectful and polite. My mum gets a bee in her bonnet with these things as she thinks she should be looked up to rather than on the same level as my cousin. Who is in the right/wrong? I think it's silly to have a family conflict over something so trivial.

One of my aunties gets really angry if we don't call her "Aunty X" and she is a scary scary woman so none of us dare cross her in that respect!

I always just called my uncles and aunts by their first names (in fact the fastest way to get The Look from my uncle's wife was to call her Auntie X) but DH's family are big into "Auntie" and "Uncle." I arrived on the scene when his DNs were quite little and the first time one of them called me Auntie 1big I nearly died on the spot. It just sounded weird! So I've never liked it.

About two years ago (DN in question is now in their late teens) I told them they didn't need to call me Auntie any more and their mother said very firmly "we like that in our family, it's a sign of respect."

I'd find it more respectful if they dropped me a text to thank me for their birthday present to be honest.

I find using titles like "auntie X" and "uncle Y" incredibly stilted. Your mother is being embarrassingly U!

I have a LOT of nieces and nephews. Like 30+. I also have quite a lot of G nieces and nephews now too.

Some of the older ones still call me Auntie. Its common in Caribbean families to keep titles out of respect. Some have dropped it and it doesn't bother me at all. It seems a bit odd being called auntie but a 6 foot 35 year old bloke with four kids of his own

I leave it up to them.

My two youngest DCs are the youngest grandchildren in the family so they have cousins who are in their mid thirties. They call them auntie and uncle out of politeness.

I have seen threads on here where that is considered beyond weird and lets not get started on what some people think of calling non-rellies auntie and uncle.

Hard one. I think your mum is mad as a box of frogs to have reacted the way she did, but I also think your cousin should maybe have had a chat with her first to check it was ok.

I am a very "old habits die hard" sort of person, so my aunts and uncles were still always Aunt and Uncle so and so. Even my old teachers - if I met them years later as an adult, they were still Miss/Mrs/Mr Surname. EVEN AFTER they'd asked me to use their first names!

However, I do think it's a bit unnecessary to still use the moniker once you are an adult - and it's not like she's just 18, she's 30, ffs!

So fault on both sides, but your mum's going to trash your family over it? Nah that's wrong.

I think as I child I said 'Auntie' so and so, but it's possible I didn't. I certainly have never referred to my parents siblings as 'Auntie' or 'Uncle' so and so as an adult.

My DS is still tiny so I'm not sure what he'll do, he doesn't have many words so just calls them by their first names. I certainly won't be insisting on any type of prefix at any point.

My DH uses the Auntie/Uncle title still, even though he's an adult. I find it strange to be honest.

I think it's silly to have a family conflict over something so trivial.

This. You've said your cousin is otherwise kind, respectful and polite, which is what matters.

I told my DNs (late 20s - early 30s) that they could call me by my first name when they were mid-teens. One neice manages it, the others still call me Auntie Mornington, presumably because it feels strange to them to use my first name. It's not something I'd ever get worked up over.

Christ thats insane...

I call some of my very old aunts and uncles 'aunty X' or 'uncle X' because it helps them to remember who I am thanks to dementia or old age/shitty hearing/eyesight but that's about it.

I have other aunts who when talking to other people I refer to as 'aunt x' because it differentiates them between other people of that name but I don't call them it to their face if that makes sense?

I also don't care in the slightest when my nieces call my stumpy instead of aunty stumpy and theyre still kids...

Your mum sounds exhausting.

and lets not get started on what some people think of calling non-rellies auntie and uncle

Everyone is an auntie or an uncle to DD, unless they're particularly old in which case they're a grandpa or grandma, even alcoholics on the street are 'drinking uncles'!

@Natsku I think we have the same auntie!

I dared call mine X once instead of Auntie X and I swear there was smoke coming out of her ears!!! I repeat... I did that ONCE!!

How old is your mum?

My niece is 30, I'm early 50s & we call each other by our names.

My youngest Aunt (younger than my dad) is mid 80s, & I call her a combination, but the older ones (older than my dad), I can't imagine calling anything other than Aunty X,Y&Z!

I call my Aunties and Uncles by their first name. When I was a child, I used to call them Auntie/Uncle xx but that gradually phased out.
My 5yo DN calls me Bluebell, she want through a phase of only calling me Auntie Bluebell but it really doesn't bother me which she uses.

I also believe the auntie/uncle thing is respect.

Different circles isn't it. Some families are like that, some aren't. It just depends on your preferences.

Drinking Uncles
That is hilarious

I expect the niece does feel she is on the same level as your mum because she is.
She probably feels uncomfortable calling another adult auntie.

Why is it 'respectful' to call someone 'Auntie Susan' rather than 'Susan' anyway? And why is Susan deserving of more respect than her niece or nephew? Just because she is (usually) older?

These kinds of etiquette things always baffle me! As if it's rude to call somebody by their actual name!

My mum once fell out with me because I used my grandmothers name on her wedding invitation, rather than 'granny' or whatever. She said it was rude. But my DP also had a granny so the whole thing would have just been confusing to have written granny. I just couldn't understand how using a persons name to address them was 'rude'...

Sorry OP, but behaviour like your mum's really gets on my tits.

Respect should be earned, not demanded. If I was your cousin I'd start calling her 'Auntie Nobhead.' See how she likes that title.

My nearly three year old nephew referred to me as "Auntie-Super" for the first time the other day-he normally just calls me by my name

Your mum sounds nuts and a bit full of her own self importance.

I still use auntie but tell my adult nieces and nephews not to call me it

She once ripped up a card, had a tantrum and demanded a replacement because it was just printed 'Happy Christmas' on the front rather than 'Happy Christmas Mum & Dad'.

My late MIL was most aggrieved last Christmas because I wrote her a "shite" Christmas card from a multipack instead of buying her a "special" one. I've never bought individual cards for anyone except DH and I had no idea that he always bought her a separate card. Apparently he'd managed to switch out my "shite" one every year but last year I got in there first

As for the Auntie thing, I find it a bit weird and awkward when I hear anyone older than about 10 saying "Auntie Jane". That reaction was ridiculously OTT. How exactly does it show respect to point out that someone is your Auntie?

Blimey, your mum sounds bonkers. I'm fifty and my niece/nephew in their mid twenties have been calling us SnorkMaiden and Moomintroll for a while - it probably came in gradually from 18/20.

I'm with you. I always called my real aunts and uncles by their first names and none of them objected. Not that they'd have got far with my mum. She also told me to politely resist those non relations who try to get children to call them Aunty This and Uncle That.

We managed this by being perfectly respectful.

I hate being called Aunty Limited. It makes me feel about 94. My brother and sister's children have never done it and use my first name.

My bil's do because he thinks it's respectful. I'm not going to have a row with him about it but it is increasingly silly being called Aunty Limited now they are 20 and 18. My husband feels the same way about being called Uncle MrLimited. It makes him feel like Uncle Monty in Withnail and I

I see this much the same as calling a married woman Mrs John Smith, because that's what the person writing the envelope thinks is right, not the means of address that the person actually uses.

Your cousin is wrong. She might usually be polite, respectful etc, but on this one she's not.

It's not the same. The Mrs John Smith example is just about what Mrs Smith likes to be called and doesn't reflect her relationship with the person addressing her.

The OP's mum demands her niece call her 'Aunty' in order to show her position of inferiority compared to her aunt.

I noticed when I was in my teens that my parents dropped the 'Auntie' and 'Uncle' from some but not others. When I asked about it they realised the ones they had the greatest affection for they still called Auntie and Uncle, but not the ones they couldn't give two shits about (the Auntie who told my DF he was a mistake, for example).

I also had a few aunties and uncles growing up who didn't want that title so it was always first names. My DS consequently refers to them in the same way.

Now I'm 35 I see myself doing the same as my parents - the ones I'm close to are still Auntie etc. The ones I barely see, or very much dislike (there's one who is a racist, misogynistic old git) are now first names only. For me it's very much tied to respect and affection (unless they don't want the title) - I'm Auntie Rhoda to all of my cousins' kids, even though I wouldn't mind if they didn't call me it as I'm not a real Auntie.

My DM has always been a fantastic Auntie and source of support to anyone in our family in good times and bad - everyone still calls her Auntie by choice. She would never demand it and wouldn't be offended if they stopped.

Your Mum is overreacting and if she makes her feelings about your cousin clear then I'm not surprised they don't want to call her Auntie any more. Just like I don't call the uncle who calls me 'a silly little gjrl' Uncle unless I'm referring to him as Uncle Knobhead to others