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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd: M.i.l wanting to buy her own wardrobe of clothes for My children.

78 replies

bellarosa81 · 12/06/2017 09:15

Ok this is not a rant about the M.i.l more a general wondering about how others would react.

I have a New baby and Two other children . Their paternal grandparents live here half the year And the rest abroad so i appreciate them spending Time with the children.

It started with the M.i.l buying a few bits here and there which i consider gifts however last week she randomnly bought a New coat for My middle Child - he has 3 at home!
The eldest is 9 and so can actually be asked and can have a conversation with M.i.l , Also she has very particular tastes and would tell her if she wouldnt wear something .

Another day she commented on how my son's trousers look like pyjamas and was he really going to wear them - he is 2 and very sensitive to texture so these were very soft. I Said "What's the problem with them?" And she went quiet.

So this weekend after changing Said child's clothes into an outfit she'd bought , and received lots of nice comments on, announced in front of several other relatives :
"I'm going to buy My own wardrobe of children's clothes for them "
I asked why and she Said "because i want to " !?!

Is this strange ?
How would you react ?

They have plenty of clothes and really do not need anything extra Anyway.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 12/06/2017 10:25

Did she change your child's clothes when you were there?

Clothes at granny's house for aftercsratungvwuth granny is fine. Expensive and probably unnecessary but fine.

Granny randomly changing the clothes you had put on your child because she doesn't like them is rude and controlling and would absolutely not be fine with me.

yikesanotherbooboo · 12/06/2017 10:27

I would say nothing other than thank you even if I felt she was trying to impose her taste as it gives her pleasure / might give children pleasure and is FG's mother.
The tricky issue might be that the children may or may not choose to wear mil 's clothes depending on whether they fit with her taste and there may be some tricky diplomacy ahead.

Original poster
bellarosa81 · 12/06/2017 10:29

I just find the whole situation uncomfortable as of course we are grateful for presents but this feels different.
I mean why buy a coat for a child when you know they have more than enough and don't ask the parents first if they even need one?!
It says to me : I saw this and i think they should have it/be wearing it.

However it will just be at theirs so that's when i feel ok let it go....

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 12/06/2017 10:33

I like your writing style op. You are accentuating the words

the issue of the clothes. What a waste of money to buy coats when they have 3. I wouldnt like it either.

DeadGood · 12/06/2017 10:36

"You seem like you wanted to start an argument and it was nothing to do with my question."

Don't want to start an argument. Genuinely interested to know why you write the way you do. You still haven't answered, by the way (the language thing is irrelevant, it's the capitals and punctuation).

It is a tangent though, and nothing to do with your question - sorry about that.

I have addressed the question in your OP, by the way, but you have ignored that too

Original poster
bellarosa81 · 12/06/2017 10:36

I already am embarassed by how much my children have so i am trying to be more concious of that !
She really knows that they don't need anymore items at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellarosa81 · 12/06/2017 10:43

Well i guess i didn't have the energy to focus on the punctuation instead concentrating on the content - having to justify it seems strange.
But I will have this in mind IF i decide to ever post on here again.

My approach in life is to ignore rude people/comments as it makes my life calmer after years of anxiety disorder.

OP posts:
Toomanycats99 · 12/06/2017 10:45

I think the coat thing is weird. I can kind of understand buying a few bits to sVe worrying about packing every time they go but presumably they will go and comeback in a coat. My dd are 9 and 5. They both have very firm ideas of what they will and won't wear. The youngest is easier as she will generally wear any sparkly / pretty flowery dress. The oldest is trickier and I don't think grandparents would get it right!

DeadGood · 12/06/2017 10:45

Please do post again, I would not want to be responsible for driving you away. I'm not looking for a fight, honestly. Go back and read my posts with a curious tone rather than an agressive one (if you can be bothered), that was my intention, not to be rude for the sake of it.

What will you say to your MIL, do you think?

user1497225361 · 12/06/2017 10:49

Just say it's very nice of her but the children have plenty of clothes. If you dress the two younger children, it's up to you what they wear and the 9 year old can decide what they'd like to wear. When people buy my DD clothes I don't like or we don't need, I keep them a short while then give them to charity; if asked I say she outgrew them or stained them badly.

diddl · 12/06/2017 10:50

THere is some sense in her having clothes there if your children will be there for a couple of days or whatever-but this sounds beyond that.

She sounds as though she'll be stripping them off & changing them upon arrival!

It' sending a message that what you have sent them in isn't good enough, perhaps also that they aren't good enough unless dressed a certain way?

Original poster
bellarosa81 · 12/06/2017 10:51

Yes and that's why it's weird that she gets it so right with the 9 year old. They like to go out together and my daughter would never wear something she didn't agree with - very clear sense of her own style! That is fine because they discuss together and compromise and also bond.

But the two younger ones can't decide .

We also live in a small town and i think the mil is more worried about what people think and say.

OP posts:
morningtoncrescent62 · 12/06/2017 10:54

I think it's odd behaviour from your MiL. I think it's fine for her to buy gifts for your children, but not to comment on the way you dress them, and the public announcement about buying her own 'wardrobe of clothes' does seem weird. Although I wonder whether her response of 'because I want to' shows that she recognises it's about her need to spoil her grandchildren, not their need for clothes.

What does your partner think? And has there been other controlling behaviour from your MiL?

MrsPeelyWaly · 12/06/2017 11:06

My grandchildren all have clothes here at my house that I buy and replace when need be. It's suits the way we live as a large familiy and they know if they are here and want to stay over on the spur of the moment they can. My 6th grandchild is wearing babygrows the 1st one wore. I love it when I get something out and one of them will say - oh I remember when I wore that.

I also have a fully equipped nursery, car seats and pushchairs for all of them if that's the stage they're still at.

What were previously their parents bedrooms are now their bedrooms but when they are here, which is often but they all like to sleep in my room with me. Some of them in the bed with me and the rest in foam mattresses in the floor. They take turn about.

CheesyWeez · 12/06/2017 11:06

I often text in my second language and the autocorrect is set to my first language. It results in random caps and puts a space between the word and the punctuation! Can't be faffed to go through and change it every time, as the meaning is perfectly clear.

I find the coat thing a bit weird too.
Strange that she's ok with the 9yo. She has fixed ideas about boys' clothes maybe? Perhaps she couldn't afford to dress her own boys how she would have liked so wants to have another try with yours :-)

Do you actually dislike the clothes she buys, or just the power struggle? I'd let her carry on if just for her house.

Original poster
bellarosa81 · 12/06/2017 11:06

My husband doesn't think it's intended to be controlling.
I also think she enjoys spoiling them!
I honestly don't know how to bring it up with her but if she makes a comment again i will respond to it for sure.
Hmmm other controlling behaviour?
not sure but strange sometimes-she came over one time and took out some flowers id put in a vase and put them in a different one, i assume because she thought it would look better! Only they didnt fit so i said " yes that's why i chose the first vase"!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
bellarosa81 · 12/06/2017 11:20

MrsPeelyWaly: I love that passing down items - it's lovely!
Like you she also has extra equipment that is kept at theirs which is practical but it's more the way she is doing this that bothers me.
I get the impression she thinks she has better taste or at least understanding of what they should have.

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 12/06/2017 11:47

She changed the vase the flowers were in at your house? She doesn't seem to recognise boundaries, does she?

dingodon · 12/06/2017 11:59

Jesus the woman came on here to ask for advice on a specific matter. Last time I checked this site was called mumsnet not the grammar and spelling fucking police. And if you DeadBeat posted like that in response to me coming here for advice I would ignore you too.

QuimReaper · 12/06/2017 12:13

Matilda Grin

MerryMarigold · 12/06/2017 12:43

I have addressed the question in your OP, by the way, but you have ignored that too

I don't think OP can respond to every single post. She'd be here all day.

Good luck, OP. It sounds like MIL is quite dominating and inconsiderate. I'm not sure it's always about thinking she has better taste eg. the coat thing could be that she saw it and thought it was really nice so bought it. But a more considerate person would think that it's not necessary and could be hurtful. However, it does sound like it sometimes is that she thinks that. It's great she is bonding with the 9yo and I hope she doesn't try and dominate her too.

I think so far it is ok, but I would definitely keep an eye on it, and fight your battles. If she decides eg. what they should do at GCSE, which Uni they should go to, or who is a suitable friend or not, then you need a stern word.

MissShittyBennet · 12/06/2017 14:53

Do you think she's using your kids as an excuse to indulge her shopping addiction? Like it won't be wasteful or spendthrift to get clothes for her grandchildren, because they need them, so it will be morally acceptable?

ScarlettFreestone · 12/06/2017 15:07

I think it's a control issue.

It's very different from enjoying buying gifts of clothes for your grandchildren.

I have a friend whose MIL has a wardrobe of clothes for them, she change the children's clithes as soon as they arrive through her door, even if they are only visiting for the day. It's caused some huge issues.

Children are not dolls to be dressed up.

Grandparents can buy gifts but it's up to parents what their child wears.

I would start firming up your boundaries.

DeadGood · 12/06/2017 20:45

"I have addressed the question in your OP, by the way, but you have ignored that too

I don't think OP can respond to every single post. She'd be here all day."

I was addressing OP's statement that I had ignored the original question, that's all

Calm down dingodon

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 12/06/2017 21:08

You need to set some clear boundaries with her OP otherwise you're creating a rod for your own back.

The reason it feels 'uncomfortable' is because she is UNDERMINING you as a parent.
The inference is that you don't know how to dress your dc, i.e you're not a good parent/don't know what you're doing.
Moving flowers etc - again undermining your decision and inferring she knows best.

She is passive aggressive and controlling.
She can dress it up as wanting to 'spoil the dc' etc but the fact remains - she is OVER-RIDING your choices/decisions with regards to your dc.

Slowly the clothes she buys will creep into your house and expect to be worn - 'i spend all that money and they don't get used enough' will be the manipulation.
Oh, and then wait until she talks to her friends and tells them all about the clothes/wardrobe she has bought 'just so they look presentable' - thereby giving others/strangers the impression that you are an unfit/struggling parent.

My approach in life is to ignore rude people/comments as it makes my life calmer after years of anxiety disorder

That doesn't work with manipulative people like this.
They will use that knowledge to gaslight you - "you're too sensitive", "you're being irrational" etc.....in fact it's already started with your dh minimsing it.
He's used to this trait in his mother and probably due to FOG he doesn't realise it's overstepping boundaries.

You know she has a shopping addiction - so use that to your advantage - especially as she has told you she's having money issues.
Tell her you don't feel comfortable enabling her shopping addiction and you don't want your dc exposed to it and growing up thinking unnecessary excess is normal.
Therefore, you will let her know when they need new clothes/shoes etc and you can both go halves on the cost of buying them.

There are better ways to spoil the dc - taking them out and about to parks/play centres etc.
They will all get a lot more pleasure and fun out of that.

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