Aibu to be so hurt

[Adviceplease99970]

Hi I have name changed for this for (I hope) obvious reasons.
I moved abroad with my H and young DD. I'm in a group chat (GC) with 3 ladies from the uk,
The uk being my home country but we've never met in real life we were good friends though and I had helped them through some things. I want to leave my H. He has been abusive to me in the past, I am frightened of him, They know this. I told the ladies in GC it was time to leave I planned to go to the uk back to my mum, I deleted my online accounts withdrew cash sold my phone and bought a cheap payg sim for international calls and got cheap phone for this. I left the ladies in GC with my phone number and email address then deactivated Facebook. One lady (unclear if others involved) has messaged my H, his mum, his gran, 3 of his current coworkers, his brother (who is lovely and knew what I was doing) 6 of his ex coworkers. I got the first plane fine with a stop on the opposite side of the country, due to take off for another stop with a stopover in Asia then onto the uk. Long flight but all I could afford.
But because they told my H and gave him my number he has forced me to go home I have had to travel back from opposite end of the country and am now back with H. He said he would phone the police and prevent me leaving with DD, I am at 'home' feeling so hurt and embarrassed this is happening. I just wanted to leave. I'm frightened to ask for police help they were called when I was in the uk he was hurting me the neighbours heard it I asked police to come in to talk and tried to get H to go to another room so I could talk to them but he wouldn't go I couldn't tell the police what happened with him there so I said everything was fine and we had just had a ticklefight. Policemen looked unsure but left it at that and went, it is so hard for me to tell the police what is going on and I feel so trapped. I had leaving planned out and somewhere to go etc but I cannot leave in this country I have no job no money nowhere to go and nowhere to help me. At least in the uk I have my mum. I'm so hurt this woman has done this to me especially when she knew what I was doing I have seen the messages she sent to H saying
"Hi I'm xx I'm friends with (my name) your wife, I'm very concerned about (my name) she is flying to (location) then going onto the uk with (dd name) I just wanted to let you know as I'm very concerned she left me in with her new number it is xxy"
Similar messages sent to lots of people who are now asking what's going on. Ive left Facebook deleted and just feel shame now. I was stupid to think I could leave. All I can do is make the best of it now he will never allow me to squirrel money away now he has confiscated my bank card. I give up. I started this message with a point now I'm just rambling.

you didn't HAVE to turn back - you should have carried on in the direction you were going. He was going to 'find out' you'd left at some point.

How did she have your husbands contact details?

Ask your mum to send you the air fare and leave secretly.
How long have you lived abroad?

I did have to turn back if he had phoned the police I would've been stopped and possibly charged as I did not have his permission to leave with dd it was a risk I could take if he was nonethewiser until I got out of the country but I know he would've phoned for police. Id rather him kill me than leave her with him alone. I have been abroad for less than a year I don't feel comfortable being less specific.
A flight home is in the region of 700-1000 pounds depending on the usual factors. My mum doesn't have that kind of money although did pay towards my air fare, which has now gone to waste :(

Sorry missed a question she messaged him and others on fb

How on earth did she have contact info for all those people? Your husband's coworkers?!

How did your friend know the contact details of your dh's co-workers, gran and others? That seems very odd.

She did it all through fb it seems she just went through his friends and messaged loads

Are you in the Middle East?

No I'm not in the middle east. Further than that. I don't want to be too specific but If you're thinking nz/south Asia/Australia you're along the right lines.

Try speaking to your British consulate, or a abused women shelter in the uk or another help place online. You would have better off continuing but I understand your fear X X that woman sounds like a idiot who didn't probably understand or does not have empathy if you do it again please only give your mum the details no one else. If they have a women shelter in your country go there to get advice....I'm sorry that your brave action to protect yourself and your child did not come through....to raise money you could try an online crowdfunding page x you of course would keep it secret maybe your mum could set it up. She could also speak to a solicitor for you x

They had all supported me for a good few months throughout this, I wouldn't make the mistake twice though don't worry
I don't think crowdfunding is a good idea, not a bad idea to see the embassy but I'm not sure what they would do, and I'm scared of police. I feel so trapped and deeply ashamed although I cannot articulate why.

im from Aus at the moment my country is completely pathetic at dealing with DV and things like child custody. There are many women trapped here unable to work and unable to leave because of the supposed importance of both parents having access to their children Even if she had left there is a Likelihood that she could be forced to return or that her child would be.

Notanotheruser,
Its all a moot point anyway at this point. I have no access to any kind of money, I took a gamble I guess and I lost. So all I can do now is just try to get on with my life. Those ladies were my only friends I do not know anyone here but hs family and for the most part they don't like me either, his brother is nice and knows the situation and while he knew roughly what I was doing I didn't confined too much in him because of the obvious relation, but in the end it was the women I'd grown to trust that stabbed me in the back, well Its unfair to say that for now I just know only one person involved but I can't trust them now. The person who did the messaging has also recently, 5 months ago escaped DV. So I didn't think she would betray me especially with her past in mind

I understand why you don't want to be specific about the country on a public forum, but is it the sort of country where domestic abuse is a crime? Are there any agencies to support women in leaving abusive relationships?

Please don't be ashamed. If anyone should be ashamed, it's the abuser who has put you in this position.

im sorry about what happened but here lies a lesson about giving out too much personal information to people you dont know on the internet.

Wouldn't this be classed as child abduction? If so you could have found yourself in shedloads of trouble anyway.

I do hope you find a way to legally get away from him.

Domestic abuse is a crime yes not always taken seriously by police so not always best enforced but yes its a crime. There is some (limited) help here for leaving abuse but I'd have no way to support myself once I'd done so. Due to the length of time ive been here and my migration status I'd be eligible for no welfare, my migration status limits the work I can do and makes me less attractive to employers. My work history is shit anyway to be honest which is bad enough but employers pay penalty taxes for hiring migrants under the visa I'm on, which costs them thousands more a year so they'd rather just hire a resident or citizen my visa will lead to residency but as it stands I am not a resident of this country

Adviceplease

My comment was directed more at those not understanding why it is hard for you to just leave. Obviously I don't know if you are in Aus but if you are please don't give up. There are groups and individuals who will help you if they can. And YANBU about feeling hurt and betrayed.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

So you turned back just because you were scared the police knew and would stop you? Why did you not just carry on and deal with being stopped if it happened. Protect your child.

Panino- I was taking the risk of being stopped anyway but knowing I was definitely going to be stopped meant I couldn't take such a big risk. I get arrested and jailed and then dd is with him with no one to protect her.
There's a huge difference between "might be stopped and questioned by border protection at some point which I may be able to get my way out of" and "will definitely be stopped with police of the opinion I'm kidnapping my own daughter" for me in terms of risk

I'm really sorry you're still stuck and I understand why you feel hurt.

Most importantly please don't think that people dont care. Don't forget there are services in Australia that can help too

www.domesticviolence.com.au/pages/domestic-and-family-violence-support-services.php

1800 RESPECT 1800737 732

Women's line 1800 811 811 Queensland

I think it is really important that you get the right advice, many people don't know that you can't just leave your country of residence with your children. It can lead to some bad situations but it doesn't mean you have to stay in an abusive relationship either.

Unfortunately you were kidnapping, which is why you desperately need to get legal advice. And it's all a bit closing the stable door but I cannot understand why you shared your plans with people you don't know, why you gave them your mobile number and why you answered the phone to your partner when he called you. Did you also share your flight schedules?

I didn't know them in real life but wed spoken online very often for over a year. We met in a mutual interest fb group, it went from there really.
I gave them my number so they could call or text me when I arrived, as we were hoping to meet up. I did not know it was my partner calling how could I? My old phone was sold I had a new one, so it could have been anyone calling. I just saw someone was phoning me and answered I didn't think he'd have a way to get my number

For what it's worth, once you knew he was aware of what was going on I do think you made the right decision to stop at that point. You might have ended up being detained before you left the country, or even in Asia on your stop over which would not have been good.

But what is done is done. No point in thinking about what might have happened. What's important now is to look to the future and how best you can get away from this situation. In the first instance, I would contact any available agencies that deal with domestic abuse situations and find out whether you can get some legal advice.

Hope you're able to get some help

I have contacted the only local place I know of. They could see no way of helping me I could get a place to stay but without any kind of income I would have no way to feed myself or DD. So I'm pretty fucked. I can't afford proper legal advice but I will try to phone around later on. H is due home for his work break in 45mins

Yes, this woman was wrong to contact all those ppl about your plans, and I am sympathetic, but you knew that you can't just leave the country with your child without permission from the other parent. You even said yourself that you knew you could be sent back once reaching the other side. The more important thing is that if you thing your child is in danger from your husband ('she would be alone with him without anyone to protect her') you take steps to sort this. If you tell the police directly that there is no problem, what do you expect them to do?
I know this sounds harsh, it's not meant to be, but you don't seem to have thought things through properly. You need to take definite steps with the advice pp have given. Not sure of the details of your visa, but if it leads to residency, how long do you still have to wait for this? Are you sure there are no benefits available if you leave him? There may be advice available from his work (depending on what he does) on how separation works after immigration. You can access this anonymously.