Annoying mother in law

[user1497225361]

So first some background. My husband and I have been together for 13 years now, married for 3 and have a beautiful 8 month old girl. We got together when we were 18, and have stayed in the same town we grew up in buying our family home fairly close to my parents house. Husbands parents used to live near by, however relocated a few hundred miles away to be closer to husbands brother and wife when they started a family about 11 years ago. Over the years the in-laws relationship with their other daughter in law has deteriorated... They hate her. We FaceTime in-laws everyday so they can see our child; pretty much every time we speak; mother-in-law (MiL) slags off her other son and daughter-in-law. Only this morning, she came on to us, really upset and angry as her other son had phoned and when she questioned what he was doing today, she thought he was selfish as he and his wife were taking the kids out somewhere as they were bored... She thought he / they should be visiting her instead. She's such a negative and awkward person. She's morbidly obese therefore isn't up for doing very much; apart from eating and constantly nags at her husband to do chores and errands for her. Now husband and I have a baby, MiL wants to spend more time visiting us... Only due to the distance it will require her and FiL staying over at our house for at least a few days at a time; even mentioned she'd like to stay for two weeks with us soon. I don't feel I can tell my husband my true feelings about his mum, I really think she's a selfish b*h!! Feel so sorry for my SiL having to live so close by. I now feel like I really don't want inlaws staying over at our house and I tend not to answer FaceTime calls if I'm alone, just say I didn't hear the phone! Sometimes her heart can seem in the right place, she adores her grandchildren for instance. She's always trying to give us bits of money which is really helpful but not at all necessary and I try to reject but she insists ... Last year she gave us £500 towards our £1300 new dining table, now she always makes a point of saying, "the dining table we bought you" or asking if we've told husbands bro that they bought us a table. Communicating with her and being in her presence makes me feel drained as she is so negative, bossy and idle. Sorry for long post but now you have a little background. I'm wanting advise on what to do for daughters upcoming birthday and over Christmas. AIBU for wanting to limit the amount of time the stay for? I don't want them to spend a week with us over girls birthday and I don't want them staying for entire Christmas period this year or any other. I want a little bit of time as a family of three and can't bear the PiL spending every waking hour with us in our home and encroaching on our special times such as our first time putting food out for reindeer on Christmas Eve or watching our daughter open her presents. Any advice on coping with MiL greatly appreciated, and please say if I'm just being unreasonable about her

She sounds a right pain OP, I would dread my in-laws staying for a week at a time even though I really like them. She's talking about staying for two weeks even, that's just taking the piss.

How does your DHL feel about this? Is it possible for you to visit them instead for 1 or 2 days?

DHL seems okay about it, suppose it's because they're his parents after all. We are visiting them next month for almost a week; I wanted a shorter stay but husband says it's too long a drive to just stay a couple of days... About 4.5 hour drive from Midlands to their house in Scotland. All she does whilst we're there is moan, fall asleep in front of tv or if we go out anywhere she says she can't walk far and ends up sitting in the nearest cafe (then moaning because she's not included; can walk for miles round M&S though if husband is buying stuff for her!!) Makes it worse as in contrast I have the most amazing mum, who's really easy to get on with and has such a positive can-do attitude. I'm hoping that when DHL and I have another LO, we can use up the spare room so they've no place to stay... Although they'll prob have us sleeping on blow up bed downstairs so they can have our bed. FiL is also I poor health at moment; he's a lovely bloke. God forbid if anything happens to him, DHL will insist we look after his mum... She will need to go in a home as much as she doesn't want to end up in one, I would sooner divorce husband than contend with her 24/7!!! 😂

Btw his parents are only in late 60s I could sympathise a little more with MiL being as she is if she were much older

I think you need to come clean with your husband about how you feel. I would continue to minimise the amount you converse with her, especially on your own. Insist if they are visiting that your DH do the hosting, not expect you to do it (he may not be like this, but culturally, many men in the UK seem to expect their partners to do far more to host their parents than they do themselves or would do for their partner's parents). As your DD gets older, perhaps he can take her for visits while you stay at home? It's really tough though if he doesn't see her difficult or unpleasant.

You're going to have to be honest with your DH, but box clever. It's about giving MiL enough rope.

There may be some merit in strengthening your family relationship with your BiL and SiL so OH gets to hear the other side of the story directly from them, in time.

What have you got to lose by being honest (respectfully so tho) with your husband?

Visits are 3 days max. No need for anything more

Also have a conversation about her bitching. Do you think she's as nasty about you to them?

Just tell him that you feel a week is too long as you don't feel you can do what you want and feel uncomfortable as you are unable to accommodate her all the time. It is too tiring to look after both baby and inlaws.

There is no way I'd have prople stay for 2 weeks. It's just far too long to have guests imo, even when you like them! People need their personal space.
So many IL's go down this route of crowding their children and dil/sil to the point where they don't want them to visit! It's such a shame because it ruins relationships. I suspect this is what they've done to their other dil and she isn't happy, which has soured relations.

I think you have to tell your h the truth. There is nothing wrong with wanting Christmas etc to yourself and not wanting guests for 2 weeks.
And yy to ensuring your h does most of the work and hosting. He might be less keen once he knows that he will be making up beds, cooking, cleaning and not buggering off to work and leaving you to it!

I would book them into a hotel if thry were planning on staying more than 3 days. Tell them they will be more comfortable, that you are decorating baby's room or that it is brong used for storage even if you have to borrow boxes of stuff.
Don't give up your bed - develop a bad back that means you cannot sleep on an airbed.

Also, stop taking money from them. It isn't right to take money from people you don't like and it makes you beholden, in their eyes at least.

You HAVE to tell your husband how you feel, and restrict the length of all visits to them, and of their visits to you. Otherwise things will just fester and it will get worse and worse. Talk to him as soon as you can, arrange that your visit to Scotland will include a few days with your PILs and a few days spent at hotels or B&Bs; and tell them they can't stay with you for longer than X days, or that because you now have a baby it's not possible for them to stay with you, and ask them to find a hotel or B&B for their visit.

Don't let this drag on. Sort it out now. Or in five or ten years time you'll be miserable.

Hissy, I know that she has said somethings about us but believe she isn't quite as bitchy about us...
I tiptoe around so as not to do anything to upset her at the moment but things have to change because she just isn't right. Eg once DHL and I stayed up there for 4 days, one of the nights we went to SiLs without them for drinks. We got back to PiL house very late, quietly made ourselves a cuppa. We were so tired (and drunk 😬) we left the two cups on coffee table to sort in the morn. By the time we woke at 9am, MiL had already phoned SiL to tell her we were messing up her house! MiL is so two faced.

Highinthesky, SiL and I do confide in one another when we are alone together, which isn't often. MiL has managed to turn whole family, apart from me, against SiL.

Luckylucky24 next time he mentions one of the visits, I will have to diplomatically try and reduce the agreed length of visit.

Boomboomscousin, it would be good for husband to take DD on her own when possible - although I'd really miss them. The SiL sends her husband and kids round to visit PiL house round the corner from them without her; no surprise MiL complains about this... I don't care if she does the same with me. When PiL visit us, husband says we can leave DD with them whilst we go out to the shops for instance.. I'm reluctant as she won't change nappies etc says she isn't able to bend over to do it.

Thanks everyone for your advise and support; its a difficult topic to discuss with family and friends until I have a clear plan of action. It's so nice to be able to unload all of this from my mind!!! I will mention to husband about certain things his mother does now. I won't however be able to tell him how I truly hate MiL, and I cringe whenever she has any contact with DD. When she's on FaceTime to DD saying can you say "say nana" to her, trying to make it her first words... I come away after and repeatedly go through, say mummy, say daddy, say grandma (my mum) after to try and counteract her lol. 😂

tbh i would have a very in depth discussion with dh about ALL of this, it can be respectfully handled but i wouldn't engage with daily facetime,does she really need to see your child every day ? if dh isn't available try to keep the time short and easier said than done not in engage on the bitchiness, along the lines of 'sorry i don't know about that so i couldn't say'.
it sounds like a control thing on her part, she can't get around, is she obese due to illness or other reasons, her slave dh needs to sort things out at their end if it's not illness related, and as for staying with you for a time that's not really going to happen is it being booted from your bed for her to use it ??
could you visit for a couple of days but may be stay in a local hotel, this tip toeing around her isn't helping at all, but you need dh onside, his mum he needs to tackle her about this and you need to support him and present a united front. she is yanking the strings of all of you and needs telling that enough is enough, there will be tears tantrums and the wrath of all things devine coming down on you but stay strong, she is essentially trying to run your lives on a daily basis and at the moment you are letting her.

you say you won't be able to say to dh you hate her but you won't need to, if he knows you that well, and he should after all the time together, he will realise that is not normal behaviour from his mum and it is upsetting you, you must stress that fact.

I can sense the anxiety coming from your post in relation to events such as Christmas and birthdays.
I have a question for you though - how big is your home? Can you comfortably host guests (not just inlaws) for any length of time? If you can't, there is your answer. Just say we don't have the space as we're doing up X room or whatever (though that will only work for as long as you're doing up the room).
If you do have the space, you will have to agree with your DH that you will only have guests staying over for 3 days maximum, including relatives and family. Any longer and then they move into the local B&B or hotel.
As for your MiL not being able to change nappies as she isn't able to bend over to do it - I'm lost on that one. There isn't any bending over to do, surely?? If the baby/child is either on her lap or on a changing table, then there is no bending required.
Definitely strengthen your relationship with your Bil & SiL - they will be your allies in the future.
If your MiL thinks that you're 'messing up her house' just say "Mary , you know that's not the case. Your son left his mug out too by the way, so you'd better not be having a go at me just because I'm his wife." or "Mary, don't be talking nonsense. That's not messing up your house. That's just leaving two mugs out overnight. Now, what are we doing for dinner?" and change the subject.
Good luck to you.

Try to step back a bit. Face timing every day is overkill, my children have never facetimed their grandparents! Be busy and don't answer the phone
Stop accepting money from them.

Stop ta

I won't however be able to tell him how I truly hate MiL

You don't have to do this. It would probably be counterproductive for you to do it, too.

Just tell him it's too much having anyone to stay for that length of time; that it's too difficult staying with her (remind him of the cups incident if he doesn't understand); and tell him you're not having it.

She'll FaceTime us everyday sometimes twice. She just sits at home all day, so when she calls for the odd second time will just say "I just needed to see her". I will get to the bottom of all this somehow, I don't want her to poison DDs mind with her hate and negativity when she's old enough to understand what's being said around her. I will stop answering FaceTime myself leaving it up to husband, if he's happy with it it's his choice. We live in a 3 bed house; spare double room at the moment, enough space to stay over for a few days but I don't want lengthier stays or her jumping in and staying over for every special occasion it's too much having her around all day and evening... Had enough this year with her staying over for New Years and then in March for baby's christening.

Pipsqueek25, she says her weight problem is due to type 1 diabetes, but I can see it's due to overeating, always eating ready meals and being lazy and inactive. I know other people with same condition, they manage it well.

2014newme, I don't accept her money, husband does back down and accept it as she insists. We really don't need the money, but husband thinks it's her way of contributing as she doesn't help out with DD like my mum does. I will tell him to be firm and not accept anymore money in future; it's her way of controlling us.

Re: accepting money - let MIL know that you don't need it, but she's welcome to start an independent nest egg for the baby!

You're not going to change your MILs habits of a lifetime, but perhaps you could drop hints to DH in other ways. E.g. If you're watching a show on TV together and come across a moaning Minnie character you might like to know how this kind of negativity affects you.

Highinthesky, I will mention the nest egg thing... Great idea. Knowing what she's like though, she wants to contribute to physical things so she can tell people she bought them or so she can leave her mark. I will tell DH I would rather she private call him if she's complaining and that I don't want to get involved. If she comes to me directly I will remind her that I don't want to get involved. This thread has given me a bit of strength to stand up to her

I've been there OP. I had friends opinions that ranged from "don't say a word, it's your DH's mom" through to "tell him everything and if he loves you he'll know the truth".

In the end things got so bad that I had to tell my DH everything. The thing was I thought he had been oblivious to it all, but in fact when we got to talking, I learned so much about how he had resented her and how he knew deep down that things weren't normal growing up but he'd never really given voice to it before.

So I'm firmly in the "speak to your DH about everything" camp.

I definitely wouldn't want to facetime anyone daily, I did when DH worked away but that was it. My parents and I speak daily just checking in. Sometimes the call can be less than a minute. (Both my parents have health problems so it's as much about me making sure they're okay than anything else). We are NC with fil and bil. MIL remains in contact but limited. We've seen her two maybe three times since before Christmas. We text maybe once a week. She only lives around twenty minutes from us but thankfully has a very busy schedule so it's easy to not see her. I dread when she retires...

I would strengthen relationships with SIL and band together. Can you stay at their house when you go up there? Re Christmas, my sister has a rule that works well, 1 Xmas with PIL, one with parents and one on their own. Could you do this? When pil are staying, insist DH takes holiday time and use the time to go out with your friends, also as babysitters so you Can go out as a couple once your DD is in bed. Make a big.show of.gratitude that they're enabling you to have some couple time. Even if it's just down the road at the local pub.

AnnieOH1, the MiL has a lot of power over my husband; she has convinced him to hate SiL to. Honestly she calls him in tears sometimes, overreacting about SiL. I think I need to be the voice of reason and make him realise when MiL is being unreasonable. These inlaws really are a pain aren't they? You can choose your friends but not your family eh!

Narnia72, as MiL has convinced OH not to like SiL, staying at their house as an alternative wouldn't be an option plus they have three children and no spare room and I wouldn't dream of inconveniencing them as I know what it's like. We already alternate Christmas with both sets of parents, throwing a Christmas alone into the mix might help me keep my sanity. I'm so glad we don't live near to them I wish we didn't need to be in contact with them so much, but inlaws want to be a big part of DDs life... Hence speaking to her everyday. I don't even speak to my own mum every day, perhaps a few times a week.

I think you need ot sit down with your DH and tell him a few home truths. As part of that, you have to let him know that the message attached to these home truths is - 'this is MY family too, especially now DD is here... and I am going to start putting my foot down and causing trouble unless you realise that your first loyalty is here, with us.'

You don't need to tell him you hate MIL to let him know just how unhappy you are with what's going on. You've seen MIL systematically turn the entire family, including him, against your SIL by weeping and wailing and bitching. You don't admire him for that. Tell him to sit down and think about how her manipulation has partially ruined those family relationships for his DD already - her future relationships with her aunt and cousins? Tell him to think about what exactly, if anything, SIL has done. And to think about the possible reasons for her pulling away from MIL in the first place which set all this off - when she pissed off MIL and MIL turned on her.

He can't think of anything? Well, you can help him on that. Ever since your DD wss born, you've had MIL as a constant, NEGATIVE presence in front of DD. Face Time twice a day, and never does she miss an opportunity to slag off DD's aunt and uncle in her presence. Any gifts seem to come with strings attached, and you never hear the end of them either. Now she is angling for long visits - and you're sad to say that your first thought is utter horror at the miserable experience that will be. Yes, DH, your own mum is already, within 9 months of your child's birth, making his wife feel exactly as you now imagine she made SIL feel - utterly fed up to the back teeth of the carping, the complaining, the joy-sucking. Where does he think that's going to end?

Tell him you are telling him this now so that something can be done, because you do not want things to end up just as bad between you and MIL as they are with her and SIL and you do not want to end up with DD not seeing as much of her grandmother because she is impossible to endure. You are cutting down the face time, as you are really concerned at DD being exposed to the bitchy, dysfunctional attitude MIL has. You are going to be asking him to step in more with contact fo the future, which hopefully will include him visiting with DD alone as she gets older, unless things improve. More than anything, you are saying NOW that there will be NO long visits - 3 days max, because you are now convinced that any longer, and you'll snap and then there'll be no going back. And - finally - now that your DD is here, there's going to be a new Christmas rule. No visitors staying over Christmas eve/day. There is NO WAY they are coming to stay over Christmas and especially for DD's first one. You can discuss how it's going to be long term and maybe things can change later - maybe one year at home, one to them, one to your parents, or maybe them coming a few days later -but you REFUSE to lose your first Christmas and that personal family time.

Set out your stall now.

How about you go away, just you, your DH and your DD to start your own Christmas tradition for your family. You're not around for Christmas then. Perhaps book something now and say to your DH, if or more likely when he is asked if his parents can come to visit, "You're welcome to come for Christmas Eve and Christmas day (or whatever days suit) but we're going away after that". You're starting your own family tradition.
Then, even if you cancel your booking they don't need to know that you're not going away after all.

Narnia72, as MiL has convinced OH not to like SiL

You need to take OH in hand asap. If MIL can cause a rift between them, she won't hesitate to drive a wedge between the two of you either, if it suits her to. Some people are just trouble: your MIL seems to be one of those people. Stay well out of her orbit.