Annoying mother in law

[user1497225361]

So first some background. My husband and I have been together for 13 years now, married for 3 and have a beautiful 8 month old girl. We got together when we were 18, and have stayed in the same town we grew up in buying our family home fairly close to my parents house. Husbands parents used to live near by, however relocated a few hundred miles away to be closer to husbands brother and wife when they started a family about 11 years ago. Over the years the in-laws relationship with their other daughter in law has deteriorated... They hate her. We FaceTime in-laws everyday so they can see our child; pretty much every time we speak; mother-in-law (MiL) slags off her other son and daughter-in-law. Only this morning, she came on to us, really upset and angry as her other son had phoned and when she questioned what he was doing today, she thought he was selfish as he and his wife were taking the kids out somewhere as they were bored... She thought he / they should be visiting her instead. She's such a negative and awkward person. She's morbidly obese therefore isn't up for doing very much; apart from eating and constantly nags at her husband to do chores and errands for her. Now husband and I have a baby, MiL wants to spend more time visiting us... Only due to the distance it will require her and FiL staying over at our house for at least a few days at a time; even mentioned she'd like to stay for two weeks with us soon. I don't feel I can tell my husband my true feelings about his mum, I really think she's a selfish b*h!! Feel so sorry for my SiL having to live so close by. I now feel like I really don't want inlaws staying over at our house and I tend not to answer FaceTime calls if I'm alone, just say I didn't hear the phone! Sometimes her heart can seem in the right place, she adores her grandchildren for instance. She's always trying to give us bits of money which is really helpful but not at all necessary and I try to reject but she insists ... Last year she gave us £500 towards our £1300 new dining table, now she always makes a point of saying, "the dining table we bought you" or asking if we've told husbands bro that they bought us a table. Communicating with her and being in her presence makes me feel drained as she is so negative, bossy and idle. Sorry for long post but now you have a little background. I'm wanting advise on what to do for daughters upcoming birthday and over Christmas. AIBU for wanting to limit the amount of time the stay for? I don't want them to spend a week with us over girls birthday and I don't want them staying for entire Christmas period this year or any other. I want a little bit of time as a family of three and can't bear the PiL spending every waking hour with us in our home and encroaching on our special times such as our first time putting food out for reindeer on Christmas Eve or watching our daughter open her presents. Any advice on coping with MiL greatly appreciated, and please say if I'm just being unreasonable about her

SiL isn't very tolerant of the MiL, she keeps well clear of her whenever possible. She'll send the husband and kids round to his parents alone and will say she's busy with things. This fuels MiLs hate for her it would seem. With 3 kids, husband and house to look after plus work... I can fully appreciate she would just want a bit of "me time" or to have everyone out of he way for a short time so she can tidy the house in peace for example. And why would SiL want to spend her precious little free time in such bad company. MiL doesn't understand it and thinks the would should revolve around her; needs a good slap!! Luckily we don't live close, but I certainly don't want to be forced to stay with them or them come to us for anymore than 3 nights; I think this limit is reasonable. Also I'm demanding Christmas Eve is spent at our house, just DH, DD and I... It's our first proper Xmas together and I don't want them butting in; same will apply to my family this Christmas Eve... No one at our house from 6pm onwards, it's family time before the rush of Christmas Day. I won't let her cause rift between husband and I, next time she's being very unreasonable I will make sure to make her know my feelings and that should prevent her from outstaying her welcome or harassing me

Uuuugh! Reading this has given me stress-hives. She sounds like a nightmare! Two thoughts:

1. Length of stays. One way to talk about this with OH might be to point out how strained the relationship with SIL is and say that you really want to keep their visits short so that you can keep them nice and there isn't too much time for you to get under one another's feet. Point out how difficult it would be for everyone if she turned on you as she has turned on SIL.

1. Don't be too accommodating. I'd try to avoid actual rows, but if she's being difficult, you need to stand up to her. If SIL is "evil" and you are "the nice one", where do you think she'll want to live if her husband passes away before her and she needs care? By going out of your way to hold your tongue when she's being a nightmare, you run the risk of making yourself look like a very attractive pushover option for the future! AND - if your OH is protected from any tension when his parents are staying with you, he might end up with a very unrealistic sense of what it might be like if she did end up living in your pocket.

Wouldn't usually be this uncharitable towards a MIL - but it sounds like you've got one of the nightmare ones! Good luck!

Length of stay lol...makes MIL sound like a bedblocker!

Perhaps you should charge a tariff

Thanks ellemcelle, really sound advice and good way of thinking about situation. Yes she's so overbearing. It's funny sometimes because if people don't want to do what she wants them to do, she says they're really selfish lol!!! Anyway she tried FaceTiming this evening, just before DDs bedtime so she was prob hoping to see her before bed... We've already Facetimed today so didn't take the call and just txt back saying, "sorry I was busy, do you still need me?"!! She hasn't replied! I need to be more honest and forthcoming when she mentions anything I don't accept; when she wants to stay with us she usually speaks to my husband when he's on his own and starts to plan it... I feel bad for going against what they decide, but it's my home and life it affects to! As horrible as it is, I'm really not prepared to look after her in her old age, as she certainly doesn't help herself, she's incredibly lazy but doesn't see it that way somehow.

Highinthesky, I know, but there wouldn't be a tariff high enough to make me want to let her stay with us ha ha!

My parents had my father's VERY difficult mother come and live with them when I was little - they knew it would be a disaster, but felt it was the right thing to do. She stayed for about 3 years before it all blew up, and without going into detail, the strain it placed on the family (my mother in particular) had a hugely negative impact on my childhood. It's not always horrible to refuse to look after someone in old age - in some circumstances saying a difficult 'no' is the responsible thing to do for your own family. Good luck, OP!

It sounds like your DH is heading in the same direction as his mother if a 4.5 hour drive requires staying put nearly a week before driving 4.5 hours back! It's not ideal but I've occasionally done that in a day for special events.
It's a shame you haven't bothered to defend SIL at all to your husband prior to the birth of own child. It would make your situation easier now if you hadn't let your MIL poison him. Poor SIL.
Have your own Christmas. Make it your hill to die on. You used to alternate but you now have your own child, just tell both sets of parents to want to establish your own traditions with your daughter and you'll see them before or after Christmas from now on.
I can't believe she is only in her late 60s. Being that obese with Type 1 diabetes means she is managing it very poorly and is likely to have catastrophic health issues around the corner. The friends I have with Type 1, who are 30, 47 and older are all slim. If you don't want her living with you, you have a lot of work to do with your husband, particularly if you've never been honest with him and have colluded with the wicked SIL narrative.