To think DH shouldn't be footballing three contact visits in a row?

[Fianceechickie]

My DH has two DCs, my DSCs a boy 10 and a girl 12. They're amazing kids and he is a great dad. DSS plays football for a local team near where he lives, 30 minutes or so from us. DH volunteered to coach years ago so he could get more contact with him. He drives over twice a week for coaching and matches which means every Saturday they're with us he misses half a day contact with DSD. The seasons now over but there's whole day tournaments today and the next two contact weekends so he'll miss half his weekend with DSD three times in a row. I don't feel this is fair on her at all and obviously she's not happy either and feels it's not fair for DSS to get all that one to one with his dad. We've had a row. I think he shouldn't do all three and get their mum to take her son to one but aibu?

I agree with you. My DH is similar. He bought season tickets for a premiership football team a few years back for himself and his two kids. One of them didn't like going so whenever a match was on, that DSS either didn't bother coming for contact at all or spent the time pissed off that he had to go to football.

It's a tough one and I really think it's up to the parents to sort out. Parents do sometimes tend to split their time according to interests they can support. What happens the weekends they're with their Mum? Does DSD have a tendency to spend more time with her Mum?

It is a tough one. He made a commitment as a coach. Did he move a greater distance from his kids?

So who looks after his daughter during his contact time?

He shouldn't be doing that. It's not fair.

No idea what to do about it, since you can't force him to spend time with his daughter.

Can you do something fun with her so she doesn't feel left out? Doing one of her hobbies, or cinema or stuff? I mean, it's not really your responsibility, but if you like spending time with her, I figure she'd be happier that way.

Yes I know. It's hard. DH does all the football regardless of who's weekend it is so DSD does spend more time one to one with her mum who never takes DSS to football. If they were together it would work out fine. Yes it was DH who moved. The league he's in sort of starts where they live and extends miles the other way do some matches are over an hour away. He started coaching after we got together as their mum banned him from taking him to football at that point so he did it as a way of seeing more of his son. Thing is, at these tournaments there's 4 coaches and only 7 boys on the team so while yes, he made a commitment I think they'd understand if he missed one of these three to spend time with his DD. It's hard. Obviously DSS would be sad if his dad wasn't there but not sure if it's even good for him to think his football takes precedence over his dad's time with his sister. They constantly fall out as it is!

Yes I look after her. It's no problem she's great and usually my DS here too and they get on well!

DH takes our DSs to all their football matches, but we make sure he evens it up by taking DD to her activites too.

*I think he shouldn't do all three and get their mum to take her son to one but

Their mum's time is her own time! He doesn't get to dump on her during his contact time because it doesn't suit him.

Otherwise I agree with you, it's not fair on DSD. However, he has committed to coaching the team so can't let them down. What he needs to do is spend the other half of contact weekend with DSD on her own doing something she enjoys.

Sorry Sally. I meant ask. I'd never presume to tell her what to do with her time. If she wasn't able to then obviously that couldn't happen. And clearly he's not dumping DS to suit himself as I've said he'd rather take him himself! Anyway all hypothetical as he doesn't want to ask her. Possibly because she may accuse him of doing just that!

He does try to do something she enjoys on the other day like we did take her shopping yesterday. He finds it hard to think of stuff tbh. It's hard with dad's and daughters that age. Most things are stuff that DSS can do to and obviously he can't say 'no you can't come' to his DS. Maybe he should!

Could you all go? I quite like football tournaments. We take a tent and toys and food etc and the non playing sibling has a really nice day outdoors. If the weather's nice. Wet wipes and a change of clothes for the footballer and a family pub meal on the way back. I'm not saying this is fair just an option.

Does DSD have any hobbies? He could take her to the cinema to see something that DSS wouldn't want to see.

She doesn't really have hobbies as such. Yes if there's something on he could, he does sometimes. I think hormones are kicking in, she wouldn't see anything that was on offer yesterday but happy with shopping! She'd definitely not want to go to the tournaments. I know what you mean they can be fun but DH takes coaching so seriously we wouldn't see much of him. It has happened in the past but no way she'll do it now!

Maybe he could do something special with his DD on one of the Saturdays if you could have both boys?

SHe is 12 so it's a tricky age for wanting to spend time with your dad. The stuff she likes doing probably isn't stuff she wants her dad with her for. But yet she probably still misses him when he is away.

I remember getting hysterically upset around that age one evening because my dad suggested he and my younger sister enter the thread show "robot wars" she was into mechanical things and always hammering away at something. I had zero interest in it but it really hurt me that he was so excited about doing something with her. Nothing I did interested him. He said "well you wouldn't be interested in doing it so I didn't ask you" which was totally true but I burst into tears and stormed off. Mum and dad were both left

Thread= tv

Why can't DSD go with them and watch and help her dad? (Hold the whistle or something)

Aw, yes it's such a tricky age. I remember feeling like you don't want to do stuff but you're not sure what you do want to do. DH just come home after tournament and scored a massive own goal by siding with DSs in an argument between him and his sister!!! Give me strength!

Why should the SD go and help her dad? Maybe she wants to do what she wants at the weekend!

Sorry - I think YABU.

DH is doing a great thing by volunteering to be a coach for the team and it is very difficult to get parents to commit to this. Sport is a wonderful thing for DSS to participate in and it is great that DH is being supportive and giving him the opportunity to do this (as well as all the other team members). DSD could go with them and if she has a problem with her Dad doing it then I would insist she goes too. If she is happy pottering around at your home with you (and as long as you don't mind) then she can stay there.

If he was still married to their Mum he would be doing this. They do not need to be joined at the hip for the entire period of contact!

Yes, but if he was still married to their Mum, his daughter would see him at other times. As it stands, this is HER contact time, too. Do you really think it's fair that she gets so little time with him?

Ask him if he's happy with his daughter thinking he loves his son more. Because that's what this will lead to.

And if he was still married to her mum then she would be spending the time he's at football with her mother, not her stepmother. Stepmum may have a good relationship with her, but the DSD doesn't seem to have any choice in the matter- perhaps if her dad is off footballing she would prefer to be at home with her own mum?

Chap who lives next door to us brings his DD to his house for contact and immediately goes out, leaving the DD with his partner for most of the day. He's not going to work. He does it every time. Not my biz, I know, but it does seem odd to do that.