3 y/o still in our room...

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My Ds was 3 in April and he still sleeps in our room, and 6/7 nights in our bed. I do love having him in with us, but we just get no sleep with his wriggling and kicking, we even bought a king size bed so we would have more room but now he just sleeps sideways, and we have less room! I have tried putting him in his bedroom with night lights, lamps kept on, even the big light left on (thought he might not like the dark) but he wakes up screaming that he wants to come in our bed and I can't see him upset so just snuggle him back in with us. At the moment he's got his bed in our room, we cuddle him to sleep then put him in his bed when he's in a deep sleep (takes 30-45 minutes) and then at about 11 he wakes up again and will not go to sleep unless with us. I asked him why he doesn't like to sleep in his room/in own bed and he says it's scary I asked how and he says he doesn't know and that he likes to cuddle. He is such an angel but I don't know if I can cope with anymore sleepless nights, or upset him by forcing him to sleep in his own bed or room. Anyone experienced this? Any tips?

The thing is if you're cuddling him to sleep, when he goes into a lighter sleep he's going to realise you aren't there and then he wakes up to look for you. Have you tried sitting on the floor next to his bed just stroking his hand to try and get him off?
I think stopping being in bed with him when he drops off would be the first step in improving his sleep.

Snap Op but my son is 4 and despite having a lovely bedroom in our tiny two bed terraced house (where you can hear the neighbours sneeze) he still prefers our bed. We get kicked too (Me. I mean me. I get kicked) No advice as such just wanted to send some solidarity your way

Yes Longji, I have tried that to no avail. I have tried everything, I think, above is just the current routine and a few things I've tried. I thought I had it cracked when he was two, I snuggled him in and he dropped off on his own but only at nap times? At bed time it did not work and he used to call out to me very upset after a while and it broke my heart that he had been lying there for 20-30 minutes sad and upset that no one was there with him.

Maybe do it gradually. Keep him in his own bed in your room and insist he stays in it all night. Your just going to have to put up with some crying until he gets the message. Maybe give him a little treat in the morning if he stays in his own bed. When he's got used to not sleeping with you move him to his own room. You'll just have to be firm and give lots of positive praise / treats. Prolonged lack of sleep is a killer so it will be worth it. Xx

If you want him back in his room I'm afraid you're going to bite the biulet and get strict on him. No talking. When he wakes, go to him. Soothe him. Put him gently back in his room. Stay for a minute or so. Again no talking. Then leave. Repeat repeat repeat until he falls asleep. 3 or 4 nights and you'll be there. It's hard. But you're not doing him any favours long term by cuddling him to sleep every night.

I know, I could do it if I could me more firm. I can't be firm because when I have been I have seen his little upset face and it kills me. He doesn't want to sleep alone, but why? I feel as though if I get to the bottom of that then I will have cracked it. It is the ever chasing dream I tell you

Our 4 year old was similar. Doing so much better now. This is what we did; I'm no expert but it might work for you.

We got a double bed for his room. Now we put him to sleep in there, sometimes with cuddles, sometimes not. If he wakes in the night and appears in our bed one of us gets up and goes back to bed with him.

Over a few weeks he comes in less. I think getting him used to a new room is a big start.

It's a really gradual process. My son has been a 'bad' sleeper from the start and still doesn't regularly sleep through but he improves and I think we've made progress using the above method.

Also a light show for the ceiling is nice as are audio books.

Good luck!

We're big co sleepers. If it suits you all then continue, if not start to put him in his own room with stories, cuddles etc.

You will know if he'll respond well to being left and then quickly comforted when need, or whether you need to sleep in his room for a bit.

Picardscombover I feel a tiny bit better now, all my friends had their children in their own rooms at a very young age and I do feel like I'm doing it wrong/ pampering him/ not helping him at all.. and that I was the only parent with a toddler still in with them, very glad it's not just me

I just put my 6 year old in his own room. didn't bother trying before then....he's now comfy in there and no drama. just saying that it won't be forever even if it is a bit longer than you planned.

Thank you for your advice everyone, I will try some tips and hope for the best (and if all else fails I will invest in a super king size bed ).

i asked him why he doesn't like to sleep in his room/in own bed and he says it's scary I asked how and he says he doesn't know and that he likes to cuddle.

The night is a long time when you're 3.

But you're not doing him any favours long term by cuddling him to sleep every night.

I disagree. It's odd to me that adults are expected to sleep together but small children are expected to sleep alone as soon as possible. DD has never been disallowed from the family bed. She's 6.5 now and probably comes in in the night a couple of times a month max. I miss her snuggling in in the wee small hours.

(We have a superking. Even if DH is away, if she does sneak in she takes up 80+% of it, leaving me clinging to the edge!)

DD1 is the same age. She mostly sleeps in her own room, but will go through phases of joining us. This would be ok, but we also have DD2 in the bed and it is a bit cramped with the four of us!

We enjoyed co sleeping and know it will end eventually. So what we do right now is have fairly fluid sleeping places. Our room, the spare room And dd1s room- DH just moves to another bed with her if need be or I move with DD1. We all get a better nights sleep than fighting it. She is only wee really and I hate to thinking her all alone if she doesn't want to be.

Do you have an extra bed one of you can move to?

'The night is a long time when your three' that is so true and has just hit home for me, although the super king was my only saving grace tittygolightly! At what age are they really ready and willing to sleep in their own room then, will grab myself a calendar

I think being strict for 3/4 nights will be easier and better in the long run that gradual slowly slowly method. Unless you want him to still be there in another 3 years- fine if you do but you don't sound like it.

Put him in his own bed and stay until he falls asleep. If he wakes just sit with him so he knows you're there but don't chat or engage too much. Repeat. He is only screaming and crying because he knows that it will make you put him in your bed. Young children are very good at manipulating their parents.

DD is 3.5 and finally in her own room for most of the night. We were happy to cosleep, but it just became too uncomfortable with all the wriggling and kicking. We took it v slow. Started by getting her to fall asleep by herself in her own room - that step in itself took a couple of months! Once she knew how to get herself to sleep, it was a bit easier to get her to sleep in her own room for longer lengths of time. It's been about 5 months since we started, and she now only comes in with us at around 6am, and snoozes for another hour. Good luck!! It isn't easy, especially when they get so upset about it.

'The night is dark and full of terrors' - he's little and he's scared. Of course he wants to be cuddled by his parents. Half of me thinks meh - he will go into his own room in due course. Half of me thinks it is better for him to get used to it earlier so it seems more natural to him.

In any case, I would make staying in his own bed for the first couple of hours of the night the first stage, so he can get in your bed after 1am, say, then start pushing it back. There is a teddy you can buy that glows green or red when you press the tummy, showing the child when they are 'allowed' out of bed. Might be worth trying?

He is really ready now OP. He just prefers to sleep with someone. Which is hardly unusual, I do too!

On a practical note, I wonder if going with a bigger bed is the wrong way round if you want a better night's sleep (and you aren't prepared to be tough about him sleeping on his own). It sounds like you have trouble sleeping with him because he moves a lot and hasn't learnt to give space to others. Could you try one of you sleeping with him in a single bed for a while? See if you can train him to use less space rather than more?

I would also say, for all that I understand not wanting to see him upset and appreciate his feelings on the issue are very real, you need sleep too. Not getting enough of it for 3 years will effect how you react to him everyday, all day, and not for the better. So while you are ensuring he sleeps well at night, you need to make sure you do too.

Would there be space in your room for your bed plus a smaller bed for him so you're still close by but minus the kicking?

My 7 year old still sneaks into my bed in the night, doesn't really bother me, he will grow out of it. I'm single though so there is room

Even Dr Sears - the attachment parent guru and co-sleeping champion - says in his book the best sleeping arrangement is the one where everyone gets the best sleep. This is not working for your family. It is not healthy to compromise your sleep for your child's. Bigger bed or push his bed next to yours. A few nights of gently helping him to sleep by just lying next to him and/ or stroking his hand like PP s have suggested. You have helped create a habit and now have to gently coax him into a new one.

he moves a lot and hasn't learnt to give space to others.

He's 3 - he's also growing which can cause fidgeting. He hasn't yet worked out that the universe doesn't revolve around him (tends to happen at about 6 or 7).

Dr Jay Gordon method is good for gently breaking out of cosleeping. We did that, then decorated her room, and she moved in surprisingly easily.

We have a DD (4.5) whose definite preference is not to sleep on her own. We have a superking bed in our room, and two single mattresses on the floor in hers, made up as another superking. One of us stays with her as she goes to sleep, and if she wakes and get distressed in the night, one of us (OK, DH) joins her, at least for a bit - having a really big bed in her room means that there's enough space for both to sleep however she's lying. Sometimes she comes into our room, in which case one of us often ends up moving to hers. But this maximises sleep for all of us; in some countries (e.g. Japan) families share a bed for much longer; do whatever works for you.