To leave the school mum clique?

[Womadia28]

The falseness, the bitchiness, nasty Queen Bees who are nice to your face but say stuff behind your back, oh and underhand racism to certain members, etc...I've had enough!

Never been in this type of friendship circle before but every time I'm involved with them, I really don't enjoy it. We went for a drinks last night and the two Queen Bees bitched and lorded over everyone else in the group, no one else could get a word in as they wanted to talk about their finances (or lack of, they hate anyone with money as they're 'posh gets'), usual demonising parenting styles of other mums at school, politics (UKIP supporters masquerading as Labour supporters as their attitude to foreigners is eye raising). I'm normally talkative and funny but they just make me feel so uncomfortable and so I'm just mute and probably perceived as boring. It's like being on the playground again. We have a Facebook chat group where there is an underlying passive aggressive tone - if the two popular ones write anything, some of the mums worship whatever they post, if I or some of the quieter ones post, it's radio silence. All really pathetic so I'm tempted to exit group but that may cause drama that I can't handle at the moment.

WWYD? AIBU? It's hard as I don't really like them but our DC all play together so I feel like I'm stuck

Would just not contribute to the chat anymore and stop going out with them. Don't make a big thing of 'oh I'm leaving' but I'd just keep it civil and not get too involved.

Blimey some people never grow up do they

They really don't grow up, it's so terrible but what I find more frustrating is that no one else seems to see it. They dominate the conversation, one is always posting PA memes on Facebook and bad mouthing everyone and everything. She's split with her ex and he's now with someone else and it's awful at times how she's hates his new partner and is resentful of their life. That's how it seems.

I appreciate your replies, I am going to not respond. I'm concerned that me avoiding though will impact on my DC and their friendships. They can't help who their parents are!

Maybe just quietly distance yourself. They probably won't even notice if they're that self important.
Honestly, there seems to be a group like this in every school. It's so pathetic.

For god's sake stop quietly going along with it. I get that making a fuss is not a good idea because of your DC but condoning racism, etc. isn't great. Best to ghost them.

Thanks tulip, I think I will, the last few weeks I've realised that some friendships aren't healthy. Some friendships I can be myself but this one I'm not. I'd love to tell them what I think but that would cause real drama! Shame for my DC. I've realised if I do this, there'll be no more group outings to the park or playcentre which is sad for them.

What is ghosting? If I've tried to say something to counteract the racism, they talk over me and joke. It's really hard, I've resorted to posting Facebook posts about love beyond skin colour which ironically they like!

There must be some other nice mums that you can do that with?
If your children do clubs outside of school, you might be able to forge a friendship with some other parents through that.

Problem I have is that those mums do the same DC classes, it would feel awkward approaching new mums and not acknowledging the old group. Wish I could move house!

It's hard as this awful group regularly message each other so I feel like I'm aware of school, lessons, issues, etc, other mum friends aren't as easy to meet up with as they seem to have lives.

I wouldn't want my DC to be friends of the DC of such people! (mine are 7 and 4, I guess choosing their friends will be more difficult in the future). If possible, I would just get as far as possible from these people - with no drama, as PP have suggested.

Yikes! You really are surrounded by them.
In that case, I think the best advice is to just pull away a bit but stay civil.
Be open to new friendships, they happen when you least expect it.
I recently made a new friend at the park. I just started chatting to a lady and now we meet up with our children.

Thank you for your replies, lighttulip that's something I hope could happen, we're always at the park but guess who are always there! I'm worried at pulling away as I don't want to be gossiped and bitched about by the Queen Bees, its spreads to other mums at school whatever vindictive bullshit they say, they always exaggerate the truth.

Delete FB? you can go a long way with "Oh, I'm not on FB", I find...

It means you're free to suggest a meet-up with whoever you like/your DC like via text without it being a "thing". And even if it is, you'll never know, because you're not on FB.

Try it. It's refreshing. Your DC are too young for you to have FOMO on their behalf.

Oh I meant ghosting like the person above me suggested - just fade out on them. Obviously it would be good to call them out on their nasty behaviour, especially the racism, but as you said it's likely to cause trouble for your DC. So the next best thing is to stop condoning it by being friends, so... fade away like a ghost. You can't meet that evening, oh sorry I was busy, stop posting in their group at all, just withdraw.

That sounds awful. I would probably try and keep in with them so your kids can still be included, but make minimal effort and try to keep your distance where possible so that it's more about doing bare minimum so kids still get included :(

I don't want to delete Facebook as I have uni friends on there who I like to keep in touch.

I'll try and ghost out. Why is it hard to find group of mum who you get on with nowadays?

Tippitoesandbuttonnose has it, just quietly back away, don't post or comment in group, and only go to pub when you feel like it.

What does "Problem I have is that those mums do the same DC classes, it would feel awkward approaching new mums and not acknowledging the old group." Mean? You can make new friends outside the group, it;s not a cult is it? (joke!)

Just make new friends, invite mums out for coffee if you are free, invite your dd's other friends out to park or home with their mums/dads.

What does "It's hard as this awful group regularly message each other so I feel like I'm aware of school, lessons, issues, etc,". I am in a mums group, I never remember to read it.

"other mum friends aren't as easy to meet up with as they seem to have lives." We've all got lives but you could invite them over for coffee, unless they all work full time, in which case invite them and their kids over to park on a weekend afternoon.

" I'm worried at pulling away as I don't want to be gossiped and bitched about by the Queen Bees, its spreads to other mums at school whatever vindictive bullshit they say, they always exaggerate the truth." What can they say? I saw Womadia in the park and she only spoke to me for 2 minutes and then spoke to a totally different mum! I can't imagine how this could be spun into anything. Except maybe "She totally blanked me!" In which case you ignore it. If she speaks to you then just say "I never blanked you, I've no idea what you are talking about!"

Really, you are going to need to make new friends, you need to start somewhere, and once you are away from them then you won't care.

I find that just not being so available for events with parents that are a bit much works. Nothing dramatic, just ease yourself slowly out of a gang - and just drift around the outskirts and gradually get some genuine friendships. Who cares if they bitch. People do. You can't stop it. But yes at least you've realised it and aren't just being a blind sheep. First step!

Thank you both, what you have written makes a lot of sense. I'm definitely going to pull away as it's not good for me.

It hurts when people aren't nice and are self absorbed, I should have known there'd be future problems when one of the Queen Bees kept texting and looking at her phone on joint play dates. It knocks your self esteem when people are this way. Never understand how others can't see, they are being blind sheep!

I think most schools have a group like this and once you're in it it is hard to untangle yourself. The thing is, you see them every day on the playground and talking to someone else will be seen, by these types of people, as you "snubbing them" or "she thinks she is better than us". It's a difficult one if they are everywhere you go.
Start slowly. Don't post on Facebook and don't reply, be busy for adult only events. Perhaps attend the events that include children only but be busy with the children and sit slightly off to the side under the guise of being busy, in the hope some of the more reasonable people might form a breakaway friendship with you.
After a couple of weeks if you still feel shitty I would walk away from it entirely. I wouldn't want to be involved with racists and I wouldn't want my children involved with them, despite it being difficult.

Can you invite some of the more reasonable ones/the parents of the children your children like most for one on one play dates? How many of them do you see reacting in the same way as you toward their shocking comments?

Thanks Keira it's the 'she thinks she's better than us' will definitely happen as my lifestyle and homelife is very different to theirs. It's the PA that is so upsetting, being in a group that you don't quite feel part of and yes the racism bothers me.

I will start to break away, there are other mums in school who when I have talked to them are quieter but nice, they are on the 'bitchlist' of the clique due to previous incidents between the children or them deeming the mums boring/ weird. Those DC incidents being exaggerated as some of their own DC are not perfect!

I'm just going to have to 'grow a pair' and start to distance myself.

I imagine you will find a lot of the other parents will have had some form of similar experience with these people.

Good luck with it! Save yourself the stress and walk away slowly but surely.