To leave the school mum clique?

[Womadia28]

The falseness, the bitchiness, nasty Queen Bees who are nice to your face but say stuff behind your back, oh and underhand racism to certain members, etc...I've had enough!

Never been in this type of friendship circle before but every time I'm involved with them, I really don't enjoy it. We went for a drinks last night and the two Queen Bees bitched and lorded over everyone else in the group, no one else could get a word in as they wanted to talk about their finances (or lack of, they hate anyone with money as they're 'posh gets'), usual demonising parenting styles of other mums at school, politics (UKIP supporters masquerading as Labour supporters as their attitude to foreigners is eye raising). I'm normally talkative and funny but they just make me feel so uncomfortable and so I'm just mute and probably perceived as boring. It's like being on the playground again. We have a Facebook chat group where there is an underlying passive aggressive tone - if the two popular ones write anything, some of the mums worship whatever they post, if I or some of the quieter ones post, it's radio silence. All really pathetic so I'm tempted to exit group but that may cause drama that I can't handle at the moment.

WWYD? AIBU? It's hard as I don't really like them but our DC all play together so I feel like I'm stuck

OP, in terms of advice I have nothing to say which hasn't already been covered by PPs.

However, I wanted to let you know how refreshing it is to see that you have recognised what these women are like and are looking to break away from them. As a non-clique mum (and having had experience of the infuriatingly unprovable regular casual racism as well as the radio silence on social media) it is good to know that not everyone who belongs to such a clique thinks the same way.

Be strong OP, however you decide to handle things from here onwards. You'll be an excellent example to your kids.

I am a grandparent carer so have been through this twice!

I have moved my youngest gc to another primary school for a number of reasons. One of these reasons was because the former school was so very heavily reliant upon parents. By this I mean parents were sat in the classroom alongside the class, not as helpers, but if there were issues with their child's behaviour leading to hostility from them toward other pupils.

They were running the Clubs and football, as an example, was basically closed to anyone other than their childrens' mates. Public humiliation was on the cards for the kids whose parents avoided the clique, left out of matches, regardless of ability. It has taken two years to rebuild confidence.

What you describe is bullying. These women would have been bullies at school and now they bring their jealousies, issues and hatred into the school playground.

They do not define your life so quit with hatebook now. You sound a nice person but you cannot change this clique because everyone is trying to protect themselves from the queen bees and avoid being the object of their bitching. You will find in time that others will tell you they hated what went on, but of course did not stand up to them.

You don't say how old your children are, but this will end when they move on to secondary school. Cliques are far less likely there given the huge size of most and there is no hanging round the playground.

Just drop away. So what if they bitch, you know you are a decent person so how can they damage you? Your children can play with theirs at school, but don't have play dates with them any more.

You can mute Facebook
Conversations so you don't even get notifications from them. Really feel for you. Playground cliques are horrible.

Sounds like my school OP....two Queen bees thinking they're the best things since sliced bread, I did what everyone on here has advised you to do, I keep a very safe distance and don't get involved socially amymore, (not that I did much anyway) it's very liberating actually, I've since found out that both these women were bullies at school, funny that eh? Women like this love drama and it's bound to implode at some point so run for the hills!

Oh god, this sounds like someone I knew a few years ago. A school mum. We weren't friends as such, but she added me on Facebook and it was full of passive aggressive, vaguely racist nasty shit, slagging off SEN children in the school and calling her ex husbands new partner an "ugly cunt"
Lovely people.
Her friends all lorded over her too.
Buggered if I know how utter utter trolls like her seem to have loads of friends.

Thanks again everyone, it's a relief to know I'm not alone in this troll/bullying/casual racist activity. I'm shocked at the school letting that happen Elsie??

I'm starting to feel a bit better about stepping away. I'll definitely mute the group although curiosity may get the better off me!! I don't understand how these Queen Bees are idolised and are popular, they're always moaning or looking to argue. I'm not a snob at all but I have a rather neutral accent compared to theirs but they have made snide comments about my it and the house we live in - 'oh you live in THAT area do you, you posh get ha ha ?'. It annoys me as they don't know my life history (they never give me long to explain) or financial status and just assume that their struggles are worse than anyone else's. Their Facebook posts will tag some of the group and not others in those silly memes or photos. I shouldn't let it bother me but it does (tries to calm down). My DC are in early years so a few more years of this!

I don't feel like I have been a good example as I've exposed them to mummy letting others walk over her!

The falseness, the bitchiness, nasty Queen Bees who are nice to your face but say stuff behind your back, oh and underhand racism to certain members, etc...I've had enough!

It doesn't sound like much of a dilemma.

No it doesn't but it's hard when your children are part of a friendship group. I will slowly move away from them and hopefully it won't impact on my DC, I wouldn't want them to get bullied in the future.

the 'bad moms' film said it all really ok some of you were sniffy about it and there was a crass bit but for the best part it was a fairly good mum clique observation, why engage with these idiots to start with ?

YANBU. There's cliques everywhere.
I remember when dd was little. 2 mums would wait by the gate for each other and walk in to the school grounds. Like you'd expect a pair of 12 year olds to do.
A lot of mother's think they're playing house with their dolls. I'm going to say this, even as a women, and I might be flamed, but I'm a big girl. I can take it. Cliqueness seems to be a female trait. Ive never known men to be clique and exclusive

The other thing with Facebook is that it doesn't show you everything anymore, like the old days, it only shows you what it thinks you'll like. So if you stop interacting with their posts it'll learn that you don't want to see them - so just don't click. You can also use the small down arrow in the top right of a post to tell it to show you less like this or less from the person, or unfollow them. So you can reclaim Facebook without actually unfriending.

OP I have this problem EXACTLY except the whole class is the clique.

There are only 12 in the class, I am in Spain, in a 'private school' full of Queen Bees. It is the 'First Holy Communions' at the moment and I am the only mother not to be invited with her DD to the ceremony and big party afterwards... Just DD (I am not the only non Catholic).

Fine, I thought it was normal. Then saw photos on the wassap and my DD told me, they have invited all the family for each child in every case, but not me. I left the wassap group instantly.

It is racist. My DD is Spanish and has been at the school for 5 years, but people who arrived last year, who are from here, were invited. Not me. It upsets me for my daughter.

I'm absolutely sick of being sycophantic and trying. I've done it for 5 years. I'm out.

Depressing though.

YANBU. I left the school gate clique. They were so bitchy. Like you, I'd not been involved in a group like that at aschool, so it took me a while to realise what hard work they all were.
As PPs have said, just don't post in the FB group and have other plans on school nights out. And maybe try and get to know a few of the other mums a bit better.

I've never see that movie and funnily enough I now remember I wasn't tagged in a Mum trip to see it!

DanTDM - that is so nasty and pathetic behaviour, your poor daughter. Not good catholic attitude for them to have is it? Karma hopefully x

I think some women can let the side down

I bet lots of people are in these situations

I know this is a really old post but how did it go? Did you manage to distance yourself without it affecting your dc's friendship groups?

I'm having the exact same problems at the moment. It's making my life a misery. The Queen bee wanting to befriend me early on and almost love bombed me and now she's taking joy in avoiding me and giving me dirty looks. Just hate the school run!

@Womadia28

Thank you both, what you have written makes a lot of sense. I'm definitely going to pull away as it's not good for me.

It hurts when people aren't nice and are self absorbed, I should have known there'd be future problems when one of the Queen Bees kept texting and looking at her phone on joint play dates. It knocks your self esteem when people are this way. Never understand how others can't see, they are being blind sheep!

You are a seeing sheep which is worse. You either draw back as people have suggested or carry on bitching about them here while keeping in with them. The choice is yours

I got to the point and was like f it. Deleted all school parents off my facebook, left all what's app. If anyone asked I said I'm focusing on my mental health and kids.

Bloody ZOMBIE

@Womadia28

Problem I have is that those mums do the same DC classes, it would feel awkward approaching new mums and not acknowledging the old group. Wish I could move house!

Wow, it’s affecting you enough to move house, if you could? Just don’t post or go out with then? Message directly if you want a play date with their children, etc. The only mum group I joined was very similar to this so I stayed away and didn’t join another. DC has formed their own friendships and I’ve been happy to text to arrange meets, etc.

Has the same issues with other mums. I've distanced myself and thanking my lucky starts that daughter is wanting to walk to school on her own now 🎉