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Intelligence & early development

53 replies

RoseVase2010 · 10/06/2017 21:17

Facebook is full of people telling me what wonderful things their child can do, the words they can say, their counting, the books they read, their level of comprehension and understanding, how well they sit still and behaved.

None of which my child, who is up to a year older, really does.

Mine is slow to hit his milestones but always makes constant progress, no concerns from HV or nursery.

So does this mean all their children will be brighter than mine?

It's a concept I struggle with, I'm very intelligent but, as you may have guessed, plagued by anxiety. I love my child and think he's the best one ever but I feel sad that he might struggle at school.

I'm being a twat aren't I? I just want him to be really lovely, clever, handsome and good at sport.

OP posts:

KatnissMellark · 10/06/2017 21:18

People talk shite, on Facebook especially. Disregard.


TisGlorious · 10/06/2017 21:20

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore. Its all a load of rubbish. Keep on enjoying your dc and every milestone, so long as you don't any health issues flagged. Its not a competition, children all have different rates of development, otherwise all babies conceived on the same day should be born on the same day, at the same time infact.


stella23 · 10/06/2017 21:20

No it doesn't, first off parents mumight be bragging and they may have done it once, doesn't mean they can do it again.

I run a Pre school, parents tell me their children can count, no they can't they can remember a rhyme, it's not the same concept. But all children get there in the end, so go in fits and stares some chug along, some race a wear themselves out


stella23 · 10/06/2017 21:21

Auto correct is on one today. Hope you get the idea 😬


barrygetamoveonplease · 10/06/2017 21:22

Comparison is the thief of joy. Love him for who he is.


StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 21:23

Yup, FB is full of people talking utter bollocks about what their child can do.

My DD didn't crawl until a year, or walk til 18 months. She wasn't really interested in learning to read until about 4. She was also quite slow to really get counting

She's in the top sets for everything, seems to be finding primary school very easy. She just does things in her own sweet time! She also, habitually, won't try something until she's sure she can do it. Even her walking was like this - she didn't totter around and take a couple of steps then fall, one day she just stood up and walked 15 feet across a room. Similarly she wouldn't read to us for ages, and then suddenly read very easily and competently. Counting, she just decided one day that it was time and learned to count to 100 in one go...mind of her own!


DisneyMillie · 10/06/2017 21:25

My dd was really slow to talk - we even took her to a speech therapist - she's now an very clever 7 year old - early development meant nothing. She was just taking her own time.


eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 10/06/2017 21:25

my 2.5 year old is undergoing assessment for autism..

at 12 months old she was suoer advanced and hit two and lost all her speech and social skills. she is still so incredible intelligent but with some more appara t struggles now but life isnt a competition.


Barbie222 · 10/06/2017 21:25

There's always a reason why people feel the need to shout to the whole world about their child! They will probably be worried about some different aspect of their development and could be posting the brags to make themselves feel better. You'd only post brags if you felt the need to keep up.


StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 21:26

That's so true stella23, we knew a family where dad insisted his 3 year old child was a genius who understood the mechanics of an internal combustion engine, could name and identify different forms of punctuation (an ellipsis comes to mind as being the showpiece) and so on, but actually she didn't understand these things at all. She could recite the answers she's been taught but if you asked the questions in a slightly different way she had no idea. It was rote learning and reciting, not understanding.


eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 10/06/2017 21:26

oh and rhe only time my two year old has ever ever sat still was when she was poorly


Ratatatouille · 10/06/2017 21:27

Don't worry. As long as HV and GP are happy with his progress and he is hitting milestones. Children who hit their milestones faster are not necessarily brighter.

Only a personal anecdote, but one of my DBs was very slow to hit his milestones as a child. He struggled with even basic reading and writing for the first few years at primary school but gradually caught up. He's now got a PhD and is well known and respected in his field. He loves his career, has a wonderful finance and is basically living his dream.

Please do be careful not to put too much pressure on your son. It's really awful to grow up with the weight of expectation on your shoulders. I know anxiety is a bastard to try and live with but honestly, so what if he's not good at sport. Or handsome. Or clever. He just needs to be happy and hopefully a decent, kind person.


BusterGonad · 10/06/2017 21:28

Ignore the Facebook shite, my son can't always keep up, he's in the year below he should be, he's rubbish at sport as he has trouble coordinating, sometimes he will ale part at sports day, sometimes he won't, sometimes he brings his maths work home for us to finish together, sometimes he completes it in class. He will never enjoy sports or maths but he can talk the hind leg of a donkey, he has a fantastic imagination, he's a couple of years ahead of his age for reading so I'm not concerned about the other stuff. I used to cry about things he struggled with all the time but I don't anymore. He's a spirited little chap and he wouldn't be him without all the other stuff.


MatildaTheCat · 10/06/2017 21:29

My two, none grown up, both achieved very differently. One could walk but not talk for ages. The other took ages to walk but talked fluently. Neither seemed to shine at school or particularly take to education until much kare when they suddenly took off and flew. Again, both differently.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy your child and let the rest happen.


MatildaTheCat · 10/06/2017 21:30

now grown up. Blush


Offherhead · 10/06/2017 21:30

My eldest was I'll grant an early talker but behind in every other area. She is a very hard working pupil and i am told the best performing in her year. Not that tests really measure much other than ability to do tests. But really, she is brilliant NOW. Don't try to think too far forward of where your child is. Be there, be interested and enjoy watching it. Flowers


LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/06/2017 21:31

I think milestones only matter if a child's persistently failing to hit them, or if they're so precocious they're struggling to integrate/enjoy what they're expected to be enjoying at school. None of which sounds like your child.

Someone on the MN antenatal group I'm in posted recently that, apparently, 5 hours continuous sleep counts as 'sleeping through'. We all thought this was a good example of how you can get in a tizzy about things without realising other people are being much more generous to themselves! Grin We'd all been thinking it meant an actual night's sleep.


FitbitAddict · 10/06/2017 21:32

As a primary school teacher and SENCo, I often talk to parents who are struggling to understand why their very bright child has become average. I point out that, in my experience, some just 'peak early' and then their lead reduces as others catch them up. The 4 year old with a reading age of 8 or 9 doesn't usually maintain their lead over their peers.


corythatwas · 10/06/2017 21:46

a) early development is really no guide to what a child will be like in their teens

b) whatever your child turns out to be like it is your job to cherish them and love them and be proud of them for what they are

c) every human being will struggle with something sooner or later; you can't protect your son against that; all you can do is to build his resilience and make him know that he is always accepted by you


TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/06/2017 21:49

I'm going DC peak at 17 in time for a levels.


Camomila · 10/06/2017 22:01

Another one chiming in to say that early development is not necessarily a sign of future intelligence/success

And even if he only ends up being avarage intellectually so what? He'll have other things that make him special. He might be a brilliant musician, or sportsman, or the kind dependable one in his friendship group. And you get the lovely surprise as his parent of finding out what his 'thing' will be.

Fwiw my DS is very average, not particularly advanced in anything...and that's my professional opinion Grin doesn't mean hes not lovely though.


user789653241 · 10/06/2017 22:15

Yesterday I saw a girl at the library, about 3, sitting nicely at the table reading some kind of fact book aloud. She wasn't totally fluent, but able to sound out every word correctly. What made my jaw dropped was, when she asked her mum - sitting next to her working on her laptop - meaning of the word. She was holding totally un-childish conversation with her mum, sounded like she was comprehending 100% of what she was reading.
I see her quite regularly at the library, and mum seems to be always working, not trying to teach her reading or anything. Mum seems very relaxed and non pushy.
I think she won't level out.


CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/06/2017 22:25

My friends DD didn't really speak until she was 4 , in fact her speech was very poor for ages . She's now a GP.

I hate FB boasters .


BeesOnTheWing · 10/06/2017 22:28

If he's making progress and happy that's great.

I used to meet with a friend now and again to let our babies play together. The running joke was that they were never bothered with each other, both talked really quite late, and altogether appeared to be two inert dumplings.

Now they get together as 12 year olds and they are really humourous and sharp. I'm not sure when it all changed tbh.


CeeceeBloomingdale · 10/06/2017 22:28

My eldest was very early with all her milestones and I was assuming she would be a rather gifted child but it all evened out at school when she became rather average in the sense she's doing well but not exceeding her peers particularly. She's in the top third of the class but nothing unusual.

My youngest was rather slower with her milestones except speech which was phenomenal at 18 months, aided by her sibling who talked non stop. She's well into school now and her speech has become lazy with some mispronunciations that need correcting. She has been exceeding in reading but we were fully unaware of this until the teacher pointed it out.

In short they all do things at different speeds but almost all reach the same level by the time they start reception. Most will have an area they shine in. Most people of Facebook embellish or only post the highlights. Enjoy your unique child for what they are and try not to compare. It's not helpful for anyone.

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