Intelligence & early development

[RoseVase2010]

Facebook is full of people telling me what wonderful things their child can do, the words they can say, their counting, the books they read, their level of comprehension and understanding, how well they sit still and behaved.

None of which my child, who is up to a year older, really does.

Mine is slow to hit his milestones but always makes constant progress, no concerns from HV or nursery.

So does this mean all their children will be brighter than mine?

It's a concept I struggle with, I'm very intelligent but, as you may have guessed, plagued by anxiety. I love my child and think he's the best one ever but I feel sad that he might struggle at school.

I'm being a twat aren't I? I just want him to be really lovely, clever, handsome and good at sport.

The question is what you define as hitting a milestone. My friend insisted her child said his "mummy" at 6 months - to Mr it was a garble.

Both mine really quite late to talk got abit worried. Now 8 and 10 both top of class for English spelling writing communication etc.

There will always be someone better and someone worse than your DC, whatever the task. My DS is 6, you know what, he isn't the best at sports, he is fab at music, his maths his great but his handwriting is poor...but he is hard working, quietly confident, very polite, extremely empathetic, kind and modest. If my DD turns out to have half of these characteristics I will be very happy. I'm degree educated and successful in business but I firmly believe that values and motivations (hard work, patience, humility and kindness) are far, far more likely to make someone a success than academic giftedness. So focus on teaching your children the right values and supporting their learning, you won't go far wrong.

I was early to hit milestones and very academically able. I had massive social and sometimes behavioural difficulties all through school. I dropped out of university twice and work in an unskilled job.

My brother and sister who were both always spectacularly average at everything are happy, chilled out, degree educated healthcare professionals with good social skills.

Even if the other kids are brighter, it doesn't mean they'll do anything with it or that they won't struggle with other things.

I hate these threads. They just mirror FB and people use it as an excuse to tell us how bright and advanced their child is.

Cringefest

Harry I think you are completely missing the point. People are trying to reassure the OP by telling stories of their children who maybe we're slow at hitting milestones but are very capable, intelligent people. Nothing cringey about it. If you hate these threads so much then you would be better off reading a different one.

As i tell my kids no one is stupid because everyone is brilliant at something.

Your child will be brilliant at something.

Generally speaking most children mirror their parents. If you are yourself intelligent then it's highly likely your child will also be intelligent. Some of that will be genetic potential and some will be because you will encourage and nurture them.

My two are in their late teens and to be honest I don't really remember when they did lots of milestone type things. Some of the things I do remember will probably be wrong too. dh and I for example disagree (by months!) on when ds started to walk (and I've absolutely no idea when dd took her first steps). These things feel incredibly important at the time, but on the long run are fairly immaterial for most children.

I have a crap memory for this sort of thing and don't remember any of ds1's early milestone ages (except for taking his first steps, because he was considerate enough to do it at his 1st birthday party!) but I know that he was basically average for most physical stages that babies are measured against, but v.slow to potty train, ride a bike, etc., and certainly below average academically for his first couple of school years.

He was concerningly slow to learn to read, and then, at 7yrs old, jumped from the really basic first reader levels (that he should have mastered in Kindergarten) to reading Spiderwick Chronicles, unassisted, within the space of a couple of months! It just "clicked" later for him.

He's just graduated high school with phenomenal results in all subjects and so has been awarded a full scholarship for his science based degree. Some people are just slow starters, but then catch up and overtake their peers.

Lots of people do talk crap on facebook, and even more only mention the good and none of the bad, so while it sounds like little Johnny will be reading Shakespeare in Year 2, really his insightful efforts with The Hungry Catapillar were a one off that he won't be repeating.

But YABU to think your love for him and pride in him should depend on whether he sails through school or not. It may be that he does end up struggling. Maybe he'll be a middle of the road student despite all the effort you (and he) put in over the years, the hours of rote memorization, the private tutors, the trips to museums. Most students aren't brilliant. They're still wonderful people and their parents (I hope) still love them and celebrate the success they have. They still get lots out of mastering what they can master and enjoy books, plays, and music. The can still be awed by the stars and fascinated by mystery of life and evolution. None of this is the preserve of really bright people.

A friend of mine had a son who was bottom of the class until he was fifteen and then suddenly took an interest and shot to the top of the class, went on to get a Masters degree.

My oldest was late doing everything, didn't walk or talk at all until 2, and really scarcely talked until 3. Couldn't read a single thing when he started school, even though he is a September baby. Very average throughout reception. He is now in Yr 3 and wildly academic, his reading age is well into secondary and he can discuss tricky concepts (political, economic, mathematical, scientific) comfortably and is a complete knowledge sponge. BUT he finds life far harder than his more academically/developmentally average siblings, he doesn't have any of their social ease and skills, and I suspect will struggle over the long term with other people (he struggles to connect with them intellectually, and to be honest is quite arrogant because he knows how academically superior he is. I'm not proud to admit that). I feel proud of his ability, but sad that he finds other things difficult and if things don't change I suspect his siblings will have easier, more successful lives than him. Seeing how much things changed between 5 and 8 for him though, there is no reason they shouldn't change again.

I always think back to when my twin girls found the stairs in our house. They were about 9 months old and had been starting to coast (walking holding onto furniture) and then they discovered the stairs and all progress on walking stopped while they learned to get up and down the stairs on their own. They ended up learning to walk at about 14 and 15 months, not particularly late, but I think they'd have done it by 12 months if the stairs hadn't been there.

I think that this applies generally. They don't learn all the skills one after the other in a neat progression, so if a kid is particularly advanced in one area it might just be a sign that it's something they're really interested in.

Also, DH and I both have science PhDs and are fairly bright, I would guess - and as far as anyone ever let on to us, we were boringly average when we were little kids.

Op I haven't had time to read all the time as doing my wee ones Breakfast.

Make a list of all the things your son can do and all of his good points of which I'm sure there are many

Early development means absolutely nothing. I was a good year behind reading in infants and had to have additional help with maths. Yet I left school with the top a level grades in the year left a top university with a good degree in a prestigious subject and now work in a well paid profession. In fact the only thing I was really good at as s preschooler was eating😁. I often think that pushing kids to learn to read and do maths does more harm than good. It doesn't give their brains any thinking time.

Just to counterbalance all the children who start as late developers and then go to become doctors, get PhDs and are wildly academic. My ds didn't talk until he was nearly 5, and is very difficult to understand now (at nearly 7), he couldn't sit up until 15 months, didn't walk until 2 1/2 and still needs a buggy now as he tires very easily. Due to bowel issues he is still in nappies. He is exceeding all our expections with reading and writing (he is a year and a half behind his peers - and has worked very hard to get there). He has learned to use a talker and can find the words for 'you are a big poo head mumma' in seconds. He loves maths, and gets great joy in numbers (even if he gets it wrong sometimes!) he loves drawing and is like a Jedi Master when it comes to playdoh.

Dh and I both have degrees, and are quite bright, but both do jobs that don't require degrees. As for happiness and success - really are the only interesting/happy/successful people you know people who have done ok at school?

Ds has 2 sisters and one is bright and creative but not great socially, one is very popular and struggles sometimes due to dyslexia, but has a great imagination. They are all fucking awesome and I am amazed at every second of them growing into who they are,

Dd talked and walked early. My mum was convinced she would be a child genius. Ds reached his milestones a a lot later, in comparison.

Both are comparable at school. Both are doing well. Dd is intelligent but not a genius and ds has amazed us in how he has come along at school. I was like you and worried about hoe he would cope at school. Turned out i had nothing to worry about.

Please ignore facebook. I genuinely believe some people forget that people know them in real life. Some exaggerate and some out and out lie.

I remember sil posting that she was so lucky that both her kids slept through from 10 days old. It was bullshit. Dbro often called me and asked for advicr because neither child slept more than a couple of hours.

I know another parent who posted that her dd was top of the class in everything at school and how proud she was at parents evening. I know them all personally andvits not true.

Dont believe everything you read on fb.

Seriously the more someone posts on fb the more theres something wrong as they need that outlet to show positive. I know of at least one person on my fb whos to the outside world thinks her life is perfect but to her close friends know that as far from the truth as it can be. She admits its an image. She can control fb hence her posts. I like her posts as i know what it means to her.

Facebook ist full if crap. people exaggerate. I am always suspicious if people have to document every inchstone on Facebook of their pfbs.

having said that, my 'slow' child turned out to have e learning diffs and asd and my other DC who did everything very early is (also according to school) very bright and top set for everything. Not every bright and gifted child starts talking at 5 (likewise not every slow developer turns out to be the next Einstein).

if your DC is doing fine, then just enjoy them. maybe use Facebook a bit less and

I was a mildly gifted kid who hit all milestones early and could start a complicated assignment the night before it was due and pull off a miracle. No stealth boast, I look back and cringe at the cockiness. I learned a hard lesson (but a valuable one) watching my peers who developed self-discipline outshine everyone, no matter how high or low their IQ.

It was humbling and I tried to raise my kids with a strong focus on perseverance and the understanding that only hard work turns potential into skill.

Let them have their FB boasts and be happy that they're happy. It means bugger all in the long run.

I was speaking sentences at 11 months and use to engage with strangers, ironically my career is not based on my ability to persuaded.

My brother didnt talk until he was past 2 years old and far and away more successful than me as an area quantity surveyor. He did walk at 8 months though.

I think early development is an indication of a childs ability to learn however throughout school years we know that other factors become more important than their genetic ability.

My friends son was assessed as being way behind at nursery, struggled in primary, got mostly c is gcse and then in a levels got As. He now has a first in engineering!

Honestly OP, people post such crap on FB.

My DS is 2.7, and I have a friend with a DD aged 1.5. She shared a photo of some art work her DD did. Apparently she managed to draw a dog all by herself. There was a perfect scribbled circle for the head, oval for the body, oval for the tail and two circle for eyes. All in the correct places. It's very obviously that someone held her hand, and guided her doing it. My DS still scribbles all over the paper, with no intention of drawing anything. Also I'm a former nursery nurse, and have never seen a child aged 1.5 draw like that (it was a 3/4 year old ability).

Everyone has a perfect life according to FB. But also everyone's child progresses at different rates, and I learnt very quickly not to compare. I'm very proud of everything my son can do, but I don't share all of his milestones over FB.

Oh my god some people just talk utter bollocks about their kids. My DS didn't roll over...ever! I remember trying to encourage him and he would never do it. He crawled at 10 months and walked at 13 months so nothing to worry about. I remember the stress I used to feel at those pics people posted on line with the the milestone cards wondering why DS wasn't rolling over. I agree with statistically that some kids do not do things until they're positive they can do it well. That's my DS.